I have written a lot lately about being loved. It’s a place I haven’t felt God leading me to leave yet. I’m on this journey to have my hope restored, my broken heart repaired, and to learn to trust again. Without the love of Jesus, I do not believe it would be possible. Even with my Savior by my side, it is no easy journey.

There is a song I grew up singing that I often find myself humming. As someone who desperately wants to be enough, loved, and chosen, it is a blessed reminder that I am loved and chosen just as I am.

Just as I am, without one plea
But that Thy blood was shed for me
And that Thou bid’st me come to Thee
Oh, Lamb of God, I come, I come

Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot
To Thee whose blood can cleanse each spot
O Lamb of God, I come, I come

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt
Fighting and fears within without
Oh, Lamb of God, I come, I come

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind
Yea, all I need in Thee to find
O Lamb of God, I come, I come

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve
Because They promise I believe
Oh, Lamb of God, I come, I come

I must remind myself daily that God welcomes and loves me just as I am. I think I’ve been trying to make myself lovable my whole life. Over the years, I’ve molded myself into a million different versions to be what I thought others wanted. I’ve stuffed emotions, hidden fears, laughed when I wanted to cry, and raged silently and alone. I’ve tried to be or at least appear perfect without success. I’ve tried to make things as perfect for others as possible, even at my own expense. I’ve loved others completely, hoping they’d do the same in return. I’ve been a doormat and an open gate. Until lately, I’ve never had a boundary I wouldn’t move for someone else. 

It has been an exhausting and difficult way to live.

But God…

Oh, how dear that phrase is to me. I don’t have to make myself lovable because God loves me just as I am. He knows, loves, and chooses me even when I fail to be perfect, when all my emotions come spilling out, and when I struggle with everything hard.

I find myself asking, “Can I rest in that knowledge? Just believe that He loves me enough to fill the empty places and fix all the brokenness?” As Peter said, “Where else can we go?” (John 6:68)  

Is there anywhere else to go for true love, deep healing, and real hope? Jesus is the answer to all the questions…to the loneliness, the feeling of lack, the hopelessness, the fear, and the hurt…to the hopes, dreams, and longings.

Trying to find comfort in other things or people is so easy. I’ve learned that nothing and no one can fill the heart place made for Jesus alone. 

I’ve been on a journey of healing these past few years. It’’s been more like Pilgrim’s Progress than I’d like. I left the City of Destruction, heading to the Celestial City with a stop in the Slough of Despond, a trek up the Hill Difficulty, a walk through the Valley of Humiliation, a detour into By-Path Meadow, and a short stay at Doubting Castle. Always heading in the right direction but a few twists, turns, and troubles along the way…some by choice, some by accident, some by design.

Healing involves dealing with some pretty tricky emotions that seem to show up at the worst possible times. This past week, my daughters and I went camping at the beach. Looking out across the Atlantic Ocean, I was reminded how great our God is and how sometimes my emotions feel as tumultuous as those waves. My feelings are like crashing waves that knock me down and drag me farther out from the safety of the shore. I’ve certainly had a few wallops. Sometimes I even find myself sputtering my complaints about the whole situation to God while trying desperately to stay afloat in the undertow of hurts and questions. As always, He stays with me…draws me closer to Himself…drags me to shore, hands me a towel, sits down with me, listens, and wipes my tears. And if I take a moment to listen, He speaks words of hope, life, and love into my heart and mind.  

Other times, I have epiphanies like beautiful shells that appear in the surf. Realizations, understandings, and graces that reveal something beautiful to me, even in the midst of struggles and fears. The waves rush up, tickling my toes, and there is something beautiful and delicate before me. Something precious I just have to reach for and hold close.  

I’m learning that tears can bring healing and even hope. That prayers uttered on my pillow or shared with a friend bring me solace and comfort. That a song of worship can change my whole perspective and attitude.

Healing for me means that I’m going to be still with Jesus. I’m going to stop striving to be loved because I already am. I am already completely and utterly loved, just as I am.