Anxiety

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another

/ Sue Birdseye / 4 Comments

I’ve had some trust issues. Many of us probably have or do, at least at one time or another. Sometimes trust issues look like not trusting others, sometimes it’s more about not trusting ourselves, and sometimes we just flat out don’t really trust God.

I’ve struggled with all three of those at one point or another. There have been times I’ve had to come face to face with how much or how little I trust God. 

I’ve realized that at times I’ve allowed circumstances to impact, more than I care to admit, how I feel about God, what I think about God, and how much I trust God.

All my “why”s and “what in the world”s have opened the door to my trust wavering a bit at times. Over the past several years my relationship with God has reflected whether I am focusing on my circumstances or on Him. My faith and my feelings have been all over the place.

I believe the foundation to trusting God is knowing who He is and who I am because of Him. Trust comes more easily when I fully grasp, or as fully as I can here in this fallen world, that God is sovereign and completely good…that He is all love towards me…that He will never leave me nor forsake me. Afterall, it’s not easy to trust someone you don’t know.

I’ve known God and I’ve lost sight of Him. I’ve recognized who I am in Christ and I’ve forgotten all about that person more times than I can comprehend. There have been seasons of leaning heavily into His arms for comfort and seasons of weeping in sorrow over difficult things and over the sins of myself and others. 

I’ve asked questions and waited with expectation for answers. I’ve demanded answers. I’ve begged for answers, for relief, for rest, for sleep, for help. I’ve despaired of ever getting answers. And sometimes, I’ve known His peace even in the unanswered questions and the weariness. 

I’ve felt His love and comfort just when I needed it and I’ve stomped my feet and yelled at Him for how hard life can be. I’ve laughed with joy at His blessings and I’ve cried on His shoulder millions of times. I’ve reveled in the beauty of a quiet morning spent with Him and I’ve begged for sleep in the stillness of the night.

I’ve worshipped with abandon in the kitchen and I’ve worshipped with tears in the car. I’ve placed my head on the pillow and felt peace descend and I’ve wailed into my pillow wondering when things will feel better. I’ve seen myself as never alone and completely alone. I’ve felt fearless and I’ve felt terrified.

I’ve sat silently waiting, wondering, wishing and I’ve sat sulking, pitying, and pouting. I’ve understood that He is holy and good and loving and I’ve questioned His kindness and plan. I’ve trusted His sovereignty and I’ve asked if He’s even looking at my life at all. I’ve trusted His love is relentless and unconditional, and I’ve wondered if He truly does love me. 

I’ve felt unworthy and unseen and I’ve heard Him say, “You are mine.”

I’ve seen myself as His precious child, His rebellious teen, and His dear daughter. I’ve seen myself as a warrior, a casualty, a medic, and a deserter.

I’ve seen God as my loving Father, my Savior, and my Security. I’ve lost sight of God and sought saving and security from other things and people. I’ve heard God speak words of life and love and peace over me. I’ve missed hearing Him speak and been filled with sorrow and fear.

I’ve justified myself, condemned myself, excused myself. I’ve fallen on my knees in repentance and felt His forgiveness and love wash over me.

For every wearying thing, I’ve known a worshipping thing. For every tear, I’ve been comforted in knowing He sees me. For every word uttered in frustration, I know He understands me and loves me still.

For every question, I’ve known the answer is Jesus.

Through all my tumultuousness, God remains steady and sure. He is undaunted in His love for me even when I’m flailing around in my chaos and questions. His faithfulness never wavers even while mine falters and fails consistently. 

I am dearly loved even when I’m anything but lovely. God is faithful even when I’m unfaithful. He is kind when I am wrestling. He is understanding as I waver around in my trust.

Even when circumstances are difficult and prayers aren’t answered as I’d hoped, God is trustworthy and good.

I know and believe that to be true.

Everything is OK

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

There is a stump where a big beautiful oak tree used to stand tall over the river. We called it “Grandpa’s Tree” because my dad used to like to sit under it and quietly look out at the water. It’s a special spot for our family. We miss my dad and now we miss the tree too, but the stump provides a wonderful place to sit and even though it is no longer a glorious tree, it is still a lovely place to think, watch the horizon, and wait.

I’m sitting, legs crossed, waiting. I’m ready whenever God wants to show me what to do. It’s my daily pose. Nothing mystical, just comfortable and quiet while I wait for God to reveal the plan…the way to go…the next step.

I’m a little anxious for something, but I’m not sure what. I’m ready for the next things because I’m tired of this thing. God hasn’t shown me that He’s tired of this place. Actually the exact opposite. He seems to be quite content with me here. Waiting. I’m trying to wait patiently. But that word kind of feels like a curse word sometimes. Patiently. How many times has someone joked, “Whatever you do, don’t pray for patience”? 

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m sitting patiently, but I believe I could say that my attitude is one of expectancy. I’m expecting God to do something. How could He not? There has to be more to life than this feeling of constant tumult. I’m sure there is because at times I catch glimpses of it. Sometimes there is a quiet moment where suddenly, and without understanding how or why, I feel peace. 

I read in Brennan Manning’s book Abba Father, “When we accept the truth of what we really are and surrender it to Jesus Christ, we are enveloped in peace, whether or not we feel ourselves to be at peace. By that I mean the peace that passes understanding is not a subjective sensation of peace; if we are in Christ, we are in peace even when we feel no peace.” (Manning, 2015, p. 27)  

My life is peace, because Jesus is my life. (Col. 3:4). 

I know that Jesus is my peace, but sometimes I just really truly want peaceful circumstances. If I listed the number of things that have been wonky and/or costly in the past two weeks, you’d understand my longing. You’d understand why I ask God, “Why?”

I asked it the other night and all of a sudden I realized, “It’s okay. Everything is okay even when every thing is not.” To my deepest parts I felt it, it’s all okay. Things break and need fixing.  All. The. Time. And I mean that in the strictest sense of the word…continually, always, repeatedly, without ceasing, all the time. BUT I’m still here. I am still blessed. God still provides. God still takes care of things. God stays even in my life of broken things. 

When the repairman comes and the fix is unexpectedly everything I wouldn’t want it to be, God is neither absent nor surprised. He is there…”Sweet daughter, we got this! You don’t need to worry.”  

When parenting brings me to my knees, He is there…”Dearest, I love them even more than you do. Don’t be afraid.” 

When questions tear around my brain without ceasing, He is there…”Precious child, rest in my love. Spend time with me instead of all those thoughts.” 

There is a theme in my life of me looking for things to be different and God staying the same. 

There is a longing in my life for calm and God offering me peace. 

There are difficult thoughts and God’s words giving me strength.

There is hope for a better future and God reminding me that it’s all good, I don’t need to worry. 

I’m the little girl frantically searching for all the things my Father has already given me. If I can just sit still and be with Him, I’ll find them all. So I’m just going to sit here…listen, pray and wait…somewhat patiently…for my Abba Father to show me His great and beautiful plan for my life.

Manning, B. (2015) Abba’s Child: the cry of the heart for intimate belonging. NavPress.

How Honest Do I Really Need to Be?

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

A few weeks ago I felt convicted that I needed to share more – write more. And I knew that to some degree it would be a humbling experience because my life is messy, crisis-prone, exhausting, and somewhat embarrassing.

Last night something happened that tends to happen a bit more than I’d like lately, and I prayed, “Lord, how honest do I really need to be? Do I need to share this?”

I believe I know the answer although I’m typing this with no real intention of posting… if this gets posted, you’ll know that God absolutely, without a doubt, showed me clearly that I needed to.

Days are busy and nights…well, the moment I slow down everything crowds in. Every failure, whether real or perceived, weighs heavy on my heart and mind. I’m crushed by emotions and questions and just all the things.

As I climb onto my bed, moving pillows and blankets so I don’t melt in my mid-life sleeping, I can feel my eyes begin to water. Soundless tears begin to fall. An ache forms in my chest and my breath catches. My mind races with all the questions no one but God knows the answer to and I don’t know if He’ll ever tell me the reasons I long to know…if He’ll speak the truth to my heart because maybe that will break it more, which honestly is a bit inconceivable.

But the truth is…the truth I need to know..the truth He wants me to know…the truth that will hold all my tears and listen patiently and compassionately to my questions and laments…the truth is that He loves me. 

I’m weary to my core…like no weary I’ve known before…but I also feel that God is carrying me closer to Himself than I have felt in so long. I almost can’t explain it. 

Maybe it’s a little what Elijah felt when he ran for his life from Jezebel. God had used Elijah in mighty ways, but something happened and Elijah despaired. He felt like a failure. He sat down under a bush and begged to die. Elijah says words I’ve spoken many times (not the kill me words though, the other ones), “I’ve had enough Lord. I’m no better than all the other people who sinned and failed before me.”  Elijah succinctly pours out his heart to God and then falls asleep. That’s pretty much me every night. 

Father, I can’t do it anymore. I feel like an utter failure.

Just a moment later, at least it seems that way, an angel touches him and instructs him to wake up and eat. Elijah sees that there is bread and water. He eats, drinks, and then goes back to sleep. Again, the angel of the Lord touches him and says, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 

Father, I do feel like Elijah. Lord, what you have called me to feels like too much; please strengthen and sustain me.

Elijah was strengthened by the food and then traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached a cave and there he spent the night. Then the Lord spoke to Elijah and asked him what he was doing there. I think the question was more like, “What is going on dear one? Why are you here?” God already knew, but maybe He wanted Elijah to admit and face his fears. Elijah answers with what he has done for God, the disappointments and probably what feels like failures, and how he thinks he is the last one left following God. 

Father, I have tried to follow you and do what I believe you have called me to and yet nothing seems to work the way I thought it would. I feel so alone in this struggle.

Boy, is it easy to feel alone in our battles, particularly when we feel like a failure. This is one of my biggest struggles. I sometimes don’t want to ask for help because I need so much of it. Sometimes I look at things and just feel like an absolute and complete failure. If I was good at things we wouldn’t be in this place dealing with these issues, facing these crises. The phrase I fight the hardest in my head is “I’m such a failure.” And I know that is not from God because He does not see me as a failure, just as He didn’t see Elijah as one.

God tells Elijah to “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” (1 Kings 19:11) As Elijah was standing there first a “powerful wind tore the mountain apart and shattered the rocks,” but that wasn’t the Lord. Then the earth quaked and fire blazed, but neither of those was the Lord either. Finally, a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he moved to the mouth of the cave to hear God better.

Lord, I want to hear you better. 

Have you ever had someone whisper to you? Your natural inclination is to lean in to hear better. I believe this is what God wanted Elijah to do. I think it is also what He wants us to do. Lean in closer. 

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8

God didn’t get angry at Elijah for being afraid, feeling like a failure, and despairing. He met him where he was with comfort (and food which is always comforting). God prepared Elijah for what was ahead. It wasn’t easy, but God was with him. God spent time with Elijah. Spoke to Elijah. Showed Himself to Elijah. 

My time sitting on my bed quietly weeping is not always a bad thing…actually I don’t know if it ever is. Sometimes it’s freeing. It’s quiet, solitary time with God. And I believe it’s healing. I’m finally dealing with some deep hurts and sorrows, grieving losses and betrayals, laying my heart bare before God. 

Before now life has to some degree been too busy to feel things deeply. Being a single parent doesn’t allow for a lot of self-reflection or feeling deep emotions for more than a minute. I’ve spoken with enough single parents to know that we all walk a path of self-sacrifice and our focus is usually on others…the to-dos are never ending – work, home, school, sports, activities, appointments, and broken things (not just hearts and homes, but appliances, cars, plumbing, etc.) can make life move at a ridiculous pace. You wake early and go to bed late and can’t figure out when exactly you took a breath or sat down for a minute before you needed to do something else. 

Please know that in any given day, in fact most days, the good far outweighs the bad…but that doesn’t negate the overall effect of running on empty for years and years. My empty tank is bone dry and I’m finally finding time to fill it back up…some of the filling is with tears. I’ve cried my share of them over the years, but I would never have called myself a weeper. Now is a different story. Tonight someone came to pick up my dead car from my driveway and I almost cried in front of him. Two weeks ago in my small group someone said, “Hey, you know there are people in church who will help you with your house”…I cried the whole way home. (Now if I could just humble myself and call…so embarrassed about all that needs fixing.) The first time I loaded the new dishwasher after being without one for about four years…tears welled up in my eyes. Silly, I know, but I was just so thankful and blessed by it. Other times, it’s a thought that crushes me, a feeling that stabs my heart, a hard memory that I feel deeply…it’s okay though. I believe it’s important for us to work through those things and lay them at the foot of the Cross with all the other junk in our lives. It’s a process. Sometimes I lay it down and pick it back up again…only to repeat the process several times…sometimes all in one day. 

I think maybe I’m supposed to share this with you because I don’t believe I’m alone in it. This mourning what was lost that can never be again. Grieving the pain and hurt caused by someone I loved deeply, faithfully, and completely. Processing the thoughts that besiege me at my weakest moments. I can’t stop thoughts yet, but I’m learning to replace them. To trust that as I continue to replace them eventually God will erase them to a distant memory that no longer stings. 

There is hope even in the end-of-day fall apart time. God meets me there. He sustains me with His love. He asks me questions that reveal my heart and mind in that moment. His word holds healing truths for me. His willingness to listen to me assuages my loneliness. And when I lean in to listen, He speaks love over me. 

“Weeping may last for a night,

but joy comes in the morning.”

Psalm 30:5

A Safe Place to Let Go

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word. Psalm 119:114

One of my daughters gently opened my door in the middle of the night and said, “Momma, may I sleep in your bed?” I’m a super light sleeper so I instantly woke up, threw back the covers, and welcomed her into my embrace. It’s been a hard year for her and the past week has been particularly so. We have found that in the middle of the night, those thoughts in our heads can get particularly loud and insistent. Sometimes even when you are a teenager, you just need someone to be near you, to be held, to know you are not alone. Sometimes when you are an adult too.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.  Proverbs 18:10

I used to feel sorry for my little ones when they were learning to sleep through the night. There they were all alone and probably a bit scared, and there I was with the comfort of another human beside me. I think that is one of the things I miss most about being married. All those feelings of security, warmth, and love you have when you let your guard completely down and sleep beside the one you’ve chosen to love for life. Oh how I miss that.

But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.  Psalm 59:16

When I have my sleepless nights and thoughts are bouncing around my brain like ping-pong balls in a metal room, I miss having the comfort of scrunching up to that special someone. So, when that happens to my daughters (who are all bigger than me at this point), I welcome the opportunity to offer them some comfort, a refuge from the storm raging in their hearts and minds, and a safe place.

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.  Nahum 1:7

I’ve had my fair share of sleepless nights where my thoughts race and my heart follows suit.  And in those moments, which more often than not, happen in the middle of the night, I’ve found God to be my safe place too. Some days and nights I’m better at letting Him be my refuge and strength than others. But I’m learning and I’m trying to teach my children too as well.

In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26

One thing God has shown me is the blessing of praying scripture back to God. I’ve been encouraging my children to turn verses into prayers. It’s a step toward peace when chaos seems to be reigning in our hearts and minds. The book of Isaiah has profoundly spoken to me over the years so I decided to speak it back to God as a reminder to me and Him of what He has said about me and to me.  Here is one of my favorite ones:

Scripture Prayer – Isaiah 43:1-4

Father, you say you created and formed me. I don’t need to fear for you have redeemed me. You have called me by name; I am yours. When I pass through waters you will be with me, and when I pass through the rivers they will not sweep over me. When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned and the flames will not touch me. You are the LORD my God, the Holy One, my Savior. You have ransomed me because I am precious and honored in your sight and because you love me. You have redeemed my life. I will not be afraid for you are with me. 

When I speak His scripture over me and my children, it helps. It means I have to take my eyes off of my circumstances and put them on Christ. For someone like me that always feels the need to do something, make something happen, fix things, it seems that “just” speaking scripture over a situation isn’t enough. How could that make a difference? Shouldn’t I have to do something more? 

No, the answer is no  There is power in the Word of God. It changes things. It changes me.

My trust grows and my peace increases. My fears become smaller and my courage strengthens. Things are re-framed. My vision is refocused on Him. My heart and my mind are settled.

When I speak scripture I’m speaking Jesus over my situation. Jesus who is the Word of God, who is peace, who is hope, who is the author and perfecter of my faith. Jesus who is my strength, my Savior, my friend. Jesus who loves me more than anyone. 

He sent out his word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction.  Psalm 107:20

No matter what is going on in life…no matter how many difficult things are happening that discourage, hurt, baffle, and anger us…all the stupid stuff of life…in all of it, God is our refuge. He is our safe place to let go. 

Scripture Prayer – Isaiah 41:10

Father, you say I do not need to be afraid because you are with me. I do not need to be dismayed because you are my God. You will strengthen me and help me. You will uphold me with your righteous right hand. 

It’s All About the Look

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

For the past few nights my girls and I have been watching the 6 hour BBC “Pride and Prejudice”. It’s probably the 83rd time. We looooove it. 

Last night, the episode we were watching was one where Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth look at each other for a prolonged moment over the piano-forte. Let’s just say we rewound it twice to watch and sighed both times. Who doesn’t want to be looked at like Mr. Darcy looks at Elizabeth?  I mean…seriously. 

Almost the very next scene, Mr. Darcy finds Elizabeth visibly upset after having just received dreadful news. He sits her down, leans in to listen, and appears desperate to figure out how to help her. When she bursts into tears, the actor playing Mr. Darcy puts the back of his hand up to his mouth in a gesture of care and frustration. He’s at a loss as to what to do. 

I don’t know why, but I love that little moment. There’s just something about the way Mr. Darcy cares about Elizabeth. Oh to be loved and cared for like that…to have someone almost in anguish at your anguish. At that moment, he shares in her sorrows. How beautiful is that?

We are a house full of females and other than windows pulsating with hormones sometimes, we are also a house of sighs and squeals and laughter. We are a house of women – both young and old – who want to be wooed and loved and protected and found precious. The longing of a woman’s heart…particularly one whose heart has been broken as all of ours have been. 

Questioning whether a broken heart will ever truly heal…if eyes will ever behold you as utterly beautiful and precious…if hands will hold you when you’re hurting and choose to feel your pain with you…if you’ll ever know what it means to be loved tenderly, compassionately, and faithfully.

Those are difficult questioning thoughts and painful to consider at times…being loved without conditions, agendas, deceit, or hurt…what is that like? 

And yet, I do know that ultimately the love of my life (and my daughters’) is Jesus. 

I feel a little bit guilty saying this but I still want to be romanced by a real live godly man…someone who isn’t going to break my dang heart again. Don’t know if that is God’s plan at this point, but oh how I pray for that for my daughters. I so want them to be cherished and loved. 

It’s important that they know who they are in Christ first though. I want them to find their strength, identity, and value in Jesus. No man can be who Jesus can be for them…or me.

I believe that romance is more than a man holding my hand and looking intently into my eyes like Mr. Darcy. The Lord says He will be my Husband. He will romance me in other ways. Not by sitting beside me watching a sunset, but by creating one for me. He doesn’t love me with quiet conversations in the evening but with peace in the middle of the night when thoughts begin to swirl and churn. 

I’m safe in His love. All the ways I have been hurt (and my children too) are things Jesus would never do. He would never bring chaos, because He is my peace. He would never break my heart, because He is perfect love. He would never betray me, because He cannot lie. He would never un-choose me because He made me just as I am. He would never leave me. He simply can’t. And, even if I do all that is ugly and unkind, He never stops loving me. 

There is nothing scary about being loved by God, but being loved by another person can be a whole ‘nother story. I’ve got to be brutally honest and say that trusting another person with your whole self and believing they will be honest and faithful is frightening. And yet…God says that His perfect love should make me fearless. 

Fearless to live in the love He has for me. 

I want to get to the point where no matter what another person says or does, I live unafraid in the love of God. That no matter how tenuous the future seems, I live peaceful in Jesus. That no matter the challenging circumstances of my life, I live boldly, bravely, and unashamedly trusting in Jesus. 

Romance is fun, but being romanced by my Savior is forever. 

Father, this seems a little like one of those things Christians say to make us feel better about being single. Well, actually it is one of those things they say, but, Lord, please help us know You as our True Love. Please help us feel your love in unexpected and beautiful ways like a prolonged stare across a piano-forte. Lord, strengthen us and enable us to be women who are unafraid of the future because we have a Savior who loves us completely. Please romance us in lovely ways we could never have imagined! In Your Dear Name, I pray.

No Drowning Allowed

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment
Photo by Matthias Cooper on Pexels.com

I don’t know if you ever played this silly game when you were young, but my friends and I thought it was hysterical to pretend we were drowning. Usually in the shallow end. We would jump up above the water, put one finger up, take an exaggerated gulp of air, and dramatically go under. Then we’d do it again with two fingers up. On the third jump, with three fingers in the air, we’d holler something dumb like, “Good bye cruel world!” and pretend to drown. I’m sure the lifeguards loved us. 

Sometimes as a single parent, I feel like I’m living in that game. In the past, I’ve had an idealized view of things. I was going to get really good at this single working mom thing. I was going to hold myself and five beautiful children above water with all my strength and wisdom. I was going to be an extraordinary spiritual leader and amazing single mom. I quickly found out that holding it all together without going under was more challenging than I could have imagined. Single parenting has felt like a near-drowning experience for many years. Unfortunately, this doesn’t really get easier…it’s not like you get “better” at drowning. 

Or maybe you do…

Because God is gracious and I’ve learned some things…when to shut my mouth so I don’t gulp water, when to close my eyes and give things to God, when to kick hard and push through the obstacles, when to flip and change direction, when to spit in my goggles and clear my vision, when to take a breath, and when to rest on the side for a bit.

I pulled out my most recent journal to remind myself of the ways I’ve seen God working in my life and the lives of my children. To see how I’ve grown. To consider the places where drowning seemed imminent, but I didn’t. Where God opened a lane I hadn’t expected and I was able to move forward without obstacles. I feel like most of the time I’m swimming in a lane set up like an obstacle course. Swim a little. Take a breath. Face an obstacle. Almost drown. Flip turn. Swim a little. Take a breath. Dolphin dive under. Hold breath longer than expected. Race for a breath. Kick to the side. Rest.

But while I was looking at the journal, instantly my thoughts went to, ‘You might have learned things, but boy have you failed at a lot.” Why does my brain go there so easily? Those thoughts push me under like a bully of  regret and sadness. I know that I have not failed at everything or even most things. I’m still swimming after all…even if occasionally it’s more like a dead man’s float rather than a strong freestyle stroke.. and definitely not a beautiful butterfly stroke. 

It’s easy to get discouraged and want to climb out of the pool, just for a minute. Just to de-prune and dry off a bit. To no longer be working so hard to stay afloat. But Jesus, He doesn’t ever get out of the pool. He stays right there with me and, if I’d let Him, He’d let me and all my children climb on His back and rest or even just grab hold of His arm and float effortlessly for a bit. I feel like more often than not, I’m frantically doggy paddling and saying, “I’m good. I got this!” while also gradually sinking lower and lower. Oh how I wish I didn’t think sometimes I needed to handle everything on my own. 

I’m like a toddler trying to take off her floaties and swim in the deep end. Determined to do my own thing all the while putting myself in more danger. I will move unawares or even blissfully into the deep water away from my Lifeguard until my exhaustion and fear overwhelm me and I search desperately for Him.  Thankfully, God doesn’t throw His hands up and swim away. God doesn’t leave me or forsake me even when I leave and forsake Him. He might let me go my own way for a bit until I get smart enough to run back into His arms like the prodigal daughter I can be, but He never leaves me. 

How grateful I am. 

I hope I’m not taking this swimming and drowning analogy too far, but all of a sudden it made sense to me. How easy it is to be like Peter and take my eyes off my Savior and go under… nearly drown. Or to ignore His warnings, smile, and backstroke away from Him. I’m ever so grateful that Jesus is always right there. Right beside me. And the moment I turn my eyes back to Him, immediately He grabs hold of me, pulls me close, and keeps me above water. 

No matter what, Jesus always always always saves me. No matter my unfaithfulness. No matter my willfulness. No matter my failures. No matter my mistakes. No matter my rebellion. No matter my circumstances. No matter my brokenness. No matter my intentions. No matter what. 

I think maybe I’ve figured out how to do this without going under for the third time…I’m still gulping a bit of water, splashing, and occasionally calling for help…but I haven’t put up three fingers yet. I’m pretty positive I won’t ever because I have a Lifeguard prepared to grab hold of me any and every time I need Him.

When You Just Want to Hide the Hard

/ Sue Birdseye / 4 Comments

This past weekend I planted 7 large bushes. Digging the holes ‘bout killed me. I was determined to get through all the roots, rocks, and clay. I jumped on that shovel like my life depended on it. Wrestled those shrubs out of their buckets and into my hard-fought holes. Filled back in the edges with dirt and made it look relatively pretty.

Sometimes I can live life in the same way. Digging through those dang roots in hopes I can plant something beautiful. 

But its just really hard (life and planting bushes) and honestly I’m pretty tired and even a bit embarrassed by how hard.

Sometimes I want to hide parts of my life…not lay bear the burdens because of how ridiculous it all is. (I was going to say seems but I need to own it…it IS ridiculous.) So much feels like failure…I should get it together already. As if I could stop failing transmissions, water leaking through ceilings, scary health issues, or people I love making choices I wish they wouldn’t. If I share it all people will probably think I’m pathetic. After all, I kind of do.

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.” Psalm 13:5

So I’m holding and hiding things.

I believe I’m wrong about holding all this…maybe I should say jumping on my shovel to get through things without letting anyone know how desperately difficult it is sometimes. I might share some, but not all…because that’s just insanity.

Heavy things don’t get lighter the longer we carry them…they get heavier. Even if I don’t decide to lay them down, at some point I’m going to drop them…whether its in utter defeat or in surrender to God is up to me.

I know I’m supposed to lay things down…before God and for others.

Letting go of my perceived control and humbling myself sure is hard though. I think, “God allowed this in my life. I must need to carry it, deal with, handle it, overcome it, push through it, make it work.” And all in my own strength (thank you very much).

“But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me.”  Psalm 22:19

I know that in all this hard there is hope. God has a plan. But it feels like I’ve messed things up too much. That I’ve dug too many holes in the wrong places too many times. I can look back at innumerable decisions and wish I’d taken the other option because then maybe, just maybe, things would have been different…less hard, less hurt, less heartbreak. 

Last night, my daughter and I talked about regret. We both have regrets. Her regrets are just beginning. Mine have been building and strengthening over time. Sometimes the weight of them steals my breath and threatens to throw me into a hole bigger than the ones I dug in the backyard.. 

Regret is useless. That’s what I told her. Nothing good comes of it. What is done, is done. God still love us. He forgives the mistakes, even the willfully in-your-face mistakes that break His heart and ours too. It’s still hard. The if only’s and what if’s are devastating if we mull them over too often or at all. 

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.  Psalm 30:11-12

Recently while sitting  on my bed preparing for the next day, I had the joy of listening to one of my daughters sing praise songs in the shower…this same girl who wept tears of regret and sorrow the night before. Maybe that’s why the leak in the kitchen ceiling happened. It made me shut down the girls’ shower and ask everyone to use mine until I figured things out. Because of that, I heard worship from one of my dear ones who needs desperately to know the Father’s love and peace. To accept forgiveness for herself. 

Don’t we all?  Desperately need the Father’s love and peace. I do. Sometimes the hard and heartbreaking makes me question how much He loves me…if He loves me truly. 

Sometimes I just feel so very really and truly broken. Do I work anymore? Does my heart work? Can broken hopes be restored? Do broken homes ever stop being broken? Does He care about houses with broken bits? Or broken cars that inconveniently stop moving?  What do you do with all the broken? I don’t know. It can feel like I’m buried under the broken pieces. The question stumbles around in my brain, “Does God really love this broken me?”

“We wait in hope for the LORD: he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, LORD, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:20-22

Do I have an answer to that question? I do, but do I believe it? 

Do I trust even when everything feels broken? Even when things are heavy, hard, and hurtful? Even when one thing after another begins to feel like too much? Do I believe that I can entrust it all to Him? Will He really help…I mean not just give me peace in the midst of the struggle (a great thing to be sure), but practical and real help? 

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

I’ve always loved the psalmists who are so willing to lay bear their heartbreaks, disappointments, questions, fears, and anger. 

God isn’t disappointed, dismayed, or frustrated by our feelings. He just wants us to lay them down. In the laying down, God fills up.  

Love. Joy. Peace… ours to have if we give the struggle to God.

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”  Psalm 55:22

There is no broken God can’t fix. No hope He can’t bring back. No hurt He can’t heal. No plan He can’t make perfect. No mess He can’t redeem.  No shaking He can’t still. No peace He can’t restore. No broken bits He can’t rebuild.

All He needs from me is trust. Nothing more. 

Doesn’t that just seem so simple? And yet so incredibly impossible too? Sometimes trust seems a huge thing to ask, especially when things can’t seem to go as planned or even remotely hoped for. 

But God…do I believe His plan is perfect? His way is right? That He loves me? Yes. Yes. Yes. 

So girl, what’s the deal?  

Life. Life is the deal. 

All those roots and rocks and things that make the digging hard. All the burdens that wrench my back like huge bushes wrestled into holes…

I don’t have to deal with them alone. Truly, I don’t.

Laying all of it down before God…handing the hard to the Heavenly. It works…if I do it. I know me…I’ll need to do it again and again and again.

And, I’ll need to share with others. Let them know the depth of the struggle so they can see God work in my life too. So I can comfort with the comfort I’ve been given. So the beauty – and there will be beauty – can be shared.

Give God the shovel, the hole, the roots. the rocks, and the bush. Let Him make it all beautiful…because He will.

“And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:3

Fidgety

/ Sue Birdseye / 2 Comments

On a recent afternoon, my youngest daughter and I took a walk by the river (above picture). It was beautifully serene and peaceful. My chest ached with a longing to be that peaceful…to be quiet inside.

I shared with my daughter how I longed to feel the way the water looked.

She said, “Momma, why don’t you just sit still, be quiet, and think?”

I told her that when I try to be still my thoughts crash together in my head and I can’t seem to quiet them.”

My thoughts are fidgety.

She said that I should try to just be in that moment. Think about how beautiful it is – what the water looks like…what the air smells like…what I hear and see and feel.

And thank God for it all. 

Once again God has used one of my children to point me to Himself.

I’ve been in a long season of things being a bit heavy and hard. Sometimes I’m shaky in my confidence that God has a good plan for me. I know He does. I know it. But sometimes everything can feel awfully heavy and absolutely nothing seems easy…hasn’t for a while.

And I wonder what God’s plan could possibly be…because I’m pretty weary of the one I’ve been living out.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I don’t know if I can adequately express how desperately I long for rest…physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I need rest almost as much as I need oxygen…at least it feels that way. 

“Come to me…”

I hear Him whisper it to me. Imploring me to drop the to-dos, the regrets, the fears and worries, and the lists of should’s so I can simply rest with Him. It’s hard to be quiet in my head and heart. To feel peace in my deepest parts.

Sometimes I wonder if all my broken parts are letting my peace leak out. I can’t seem to grab it firmly. Probably because my hands are full holding all the pieces of me together…I have no grip left for peace.

“Come to me, Dearest. I know you are burdened and carrying things that are too heavy for you to bear..”

I’m carrying too much. Too much sorrow. Too much fear. Too much regret. Too much heartbreak. Too much to do and think about.

I’m trying to control too much.

God wants me to drop it all at His feet. Lay it all down. Put it down. Just let go.

Oh, but that sounds hard. What will happen if I let it all go? Will everything fall apart? Will I fall apart?

“Come here, my love. Let’s deal with that heavy burden you are carrying. Rest here with me.”

I keep looking for peaceful circumstances. That has not been my story. The quiet moments I do get are really difficult to rest in. My thoughts race. My sleep is fitful. My heart is heavy. 

I’m constantly looking for a way to make this life less difficult.  Seeking solutions.

But God’s word doesn’t say anything about seeking solutions, but it does say to seek peace. (Psalm 34:14) Actually, seek it AND pursue it.

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14

Don’t just look for it! Go find it! With the understanding that God absolutely will provide it.

In fact, He already has.

Jesus, who is my peace, guarantees my peace no matter the turbulence I face in this world.

For he himself is our peace…  Ephesians 2:14

So why is it so dang hard for me to find it, feel it, rest in it?

Probably because I’m always trying to fix things, change things, make things better on my own .

God says, “Hey Sweet One, I told you don’t worry about anything! I’m right here with you. Just talk to me. Share your thoughts and concerns. Find the blessings and be thankful. Don’t just focus on all the crazy. There is more than the crazy…open your eyes to the blessings and be thankful. Share it all with me. And I promise there will be a peace that will shock you. You will find it, feel it, and rest in it! Dearest, I have you in the palm of my hand and you are mine!” (Philippians 4:6-7)

I can seek peace instead of seeking peaceful circumstances by choosing to seek Him and pursue Him.

There is a spot by the river waiting for me to sit still and just be with Jesus. To let go of the concerns and to-do lists. To take my eyes off the fears about the future and put them on Him. To reflect on the beauty of gentle waves lapping on a little pebble-filled beach. To hear birds chirping songs given to them by their Creator. To breathe deeply of the fresh air, to feel it filling my lungs with the song of praise given to me by my Father.

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:3-4

Prayer Is…

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

Prayer has been both my first response and my last resort. 

It has been the thread of sanity through difficult seasons. 

The words that put me back to sleep during a restless night. 

Prayer is the ending of long days

The blessing offered with my children at night. 

The quiet of the morning and the pleas in the middle of the day. 

The silence of trust in all the noise

The breath between sobs and the sighs in laughter. 

Prayer is comfort and confrontation.  

thanksgiving and whys. 

lonely and together. 

worship and worry. 

Prayer is my refuge and my release.

  my lifeline and my lovelife.

my quiet place in a storm.

There is no place prayer can’t be heard…no place prayer isn’t needed.

In my life, there is no place prayer is unwelcome or unwarranted. 

Prayer is my perspective changing. 

My hope revealing

My joy increasing.  

My smile brightening

My failure diminishing

My success beginning

Prayer is my seeking and my finding.

Prayer is my cry for mercy and my eyes opening to goodness.

Prayer is my power play.

Prayer is relief, rest, and release.

My hope for healing and help

Prayer is my holding tight and my letting go

Prayer is being heard

Prayer is provision

Prayer is protection

Prayer is grace

Prayer is faith

Prayer is love