I just got off the phone. I was praying with a friend about this life that is feeling very hard. She is such a dear friend. She knows the life I’ve lived for the past ever so many years and she prayed, “Lord, it just seems like everything is an uphill battle.”  

And I felt that…deeply.

There is always something. Always. Honestly, no exaggeration. I don’t recall any time when things have been quiet and calm and lovely for more than a minute…maybe five. 

But I have decided (yet again) to take a minute and consider and ask and wonder if I’m really trusting God in these circumstances…am I just worrying and fretting instead of praying with faith so that His blessed peace that passes understanding can cascade down on me and my children? 

Well, I can be brutally honest and say…I’ve been praying fervently…prayers of anger, frustration, and questions. I’m like the psalmists who lament the state of things, ask God hard questions, and wonder if He even cares a bit about this situation or the last one or the one before that…I haven’t gotten (until now) to the latter part of the psalms when the psalmists say, “Yet, I will trust God.” 

Uphill is hard, particularly when you are already worn out and weary. A lot of people in my life are tired too. We are all trudging along with our heads down, trying to weather the storm without falling into the mud and slipping down the side of the hill we’ve been climbing.

What I’m remembering (again) is that I’m not alone. Jesus is right beside me. Sometimes He is pushing me, sometimes pulling, sometimes His arm is around me encouraging me, whispering encouragements into my ear, sometimes He is crying beside me, and sometimes He is laughing…I can be funny even in my struggles. (Who doesn’t like a good sarcastic comment?)

It seems like it’s been years of me reminding myself that focusing on my circumstances will always (always) overwhelm me. If I could just keep my eyes on Jesus, things wouldn’t seem so difficult. At least I’d have peace in the middle of it all. 

One of my sons and I talked last night, and he shared how doing hard things by choice was easier than having no choice. He is doing those polar plunges regularly. He’s trying to convince me to join him because he sees so many benefits. Sounds amazing…the benefits, not the plunging.  But I thought about what he shared…I guess, in a sense, he feels empowered to face the mountains because it is his choice to climb them. I have a choice too. I can climb, or I can complain and climb. Either way, I’m climbing. 

Right now, the climb is because of something that both breaks my heart and infuriates me (almost equally). And, I’m baffled by the whole thing. I’m appalled. I’m angry. I’m feeling rather hopeless. I want to grab my children and run away. Honestly, being Christlike isn’t seeming to work well. Believe me, I’ve been trying. BUT I know that God is in control of even this mess. I’m waiting for Him to be the Hero of this situation. We haven’t seen it yet…but I know that He has it well in hand. He is not surprised. He is as hurt by the unkindness toward my children as I am. I am sure He is as angry and heartbroken as I am too. They are His daughters too. 

Please do not get me wrong, I have seen God work in this situation. I have seen Him do some things in my family that are truly beautiful as we walk through this trial together, but I’m also seeing all of us feeling helpless and angry and ready to fight. This climb is going to require us to truly focus on Christ, not our circumstances…to believe that He is in control when everything is so very unfair and awful…to believe that there is a plan in this that is good…to trust that God will bring beauty and blessing from all of this awfulness. 

So even though I’m beyond weary (once again), I’m choosing to climb with a heart sold out for God, my eyes fixed on Jesus, and my ears attuned to the Holy Spirit. This path is the one God has chosen for me…I don’t want to get off of it, no matter how hard it is. I want to walk with Him…even when everything is uphill.