Trust

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another

/ Sue Birdseye / 4 Comments

I’ve had some trust issues. Many of us probably have or do, at least at one time or another. Sometimes trust issues look like not trusting others, sometimes it’s more about not trusting ourselves, and sometimes we just flat out don’t really trust God.

I’ve struggled with all three of those at one point or another. There have been times I’ve had to come face to face with how much or how little I trust God. 

I’ve realized that at times I’ve allowed circumstances to impact, more than I care to admit, how I feel about God, what I think about God, and how much I trust God.

All my “why”s and “what in the world”s have opened the door to my trust wavering a bit at times. Over the past several years my relationship with God has reflected whether I am focusing on my circumstances or on Him. My faith and my feelings have been all over the place.

I believe the foundation to trusting God is knowing who He is and who I am because of Him. Trust comes more easily when I fully grasp, or as fully as I can here in this fallen world, that God is sovereign and completely good…that He is all love towards me…that He will never leave me nor forsake me. Afterall, it’s not easy to trust someone you don’t know.

I’ve known God and I’ve lost sight of Him. I’ve recognized who I am in Christ and I’ve forgotten all about that person more times than I can comprehend. There have been seasons of leaning heavily into His arms for comfort and seasons of weeping in sorrow over difficult things and over the sins of myself and others. 

I’ve asked questions and waited with expectation for answers. I’ve demanded answers. I’ve begged for answers, for relief, for rest, for sleep, for help. I’ve despaired of ever getting answers. And sometimes, I’ve known His peace even in the unanswered questions and the weariness. 

I’ve felt His love and comfort just when I needed it and I’ve stomped my feet and yelled at Him for how hard life can be. I’ve laughed with joy at His blessings and I’ve cried on His shoulder millions of times. I’ve reveled in the beauty of a quiet morning spent with Him and I’ve begged for sleep in the stillness of the night.

I’ve worshipped with abandon in the kitchen and I’ve worshipped with tears in the car. I’ve placed my head on the pillow and felt peace descend and I’ve wailed into my pillow wondering when things will feel better. I’ve seen myself as never alone and completely alone. I’ve felt fearless and I’ve felt terrified.

I’ve sat silently waiting, wondering, wishing and I’ve sat sulking, pitying, and pouting. I’ve understood that He is holy and good and loving and I’ve questioned His kindness and plan. I’ve trusted His sovereignty and I’ve asked if He’s even looking at my life at all. I’ve trusted His love is relentless and unconditional, and I’ve wondered if He truly does love me. 

I’ve felt unworthy and unseen and I’ve heard Him say, “You are mine.”

I’ve seen myself as His precious child, His rebellious teen, and His dear daughter. I’ve seen myself as a warrior, a casualty, a medic, and a deserter.

I’ve seen God as my loving Father, my Savior, and my Security. I’ve lost sight of God and sought saving and security from other things and people. I’ve heard God speak words of life and love and peace over me. I’ve missed hearing Him speak and been filled with sorrow and fear.

I’ve justified myself, condemned myself, excused myself. I’ve fallen on my knees in repentance and felt His forgiveness and love wash over me.

For every wearying thing, I’ve known a worshipping thing. For every tear, I’ve been comforted in knowing He sees me. For every word uttered in frustration, I know He understands me and loves me still.

For every question, I’ve known the answer is Jesus.

Through all my tumultuousness, God remains steady and sure. He is undaunted in His love for me even when I’m flailing around in my chaos and questions. His faithfulness never wavers even while mine falters and fails consistently. 

I am dearly loved even when I’m anything but lovely. God is faithful even when I’m unfaithful. He is kind when I am wrestling. He is understanding as I waver around in my trust.

Even when circumstances are difficult and prayers aren’t answered as I’d hoped, God is trustworthy and good.

I know and believe that to be true.

Don’t Fence Me Out

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

I have fond memories of my dad singing little ditties as he went about his day. Most were a little tongue and cheek, and all made me laugh. One he often sang, I’m sure to my mom’s delight, was “Don’t Fence Me In”…

“Oh, give me land, lots of land
Under starry skies above
Don’t fence me in”

It came to mind as I was writing this morning about my two golden retrievers and some fences…although I think they are singing “Don’t Fence Me Out.”

I was unaware that golden retrievers are notorious diggers.

I know now. 

My backyard is a minefield of break-your-ankle holes that become mud pits when it rains. 

My oldest son came two weekends ago to help fence in the worst area so we could fill in holes, regrow grass, and possibly avoid the dust and mud that gets tracked into my home. 

It’s completely enclosed with no entry point, except somehow, my dogs keep getting into it when I’m not looking. Never when I stand there and watch to see what they are doing, they won’t even go near it when I stand in it and invite them in. It’s like they don’t want me to know their secret and, for the life of me, I can’t figure it out. I’m debating throwing some treats in there and seeing if they will give up their secret entrance. I’m baffled. And I’m disappointed in myself that my golden retrievers (who aren’t the brightest bulbs in the bunch) have gotten one over on me. 

This morning I was throwing the ball for Gunner, our ball-retrieving machine. Several times the ball bounced into the enclosed area. He stood outside it, panting, pawing the fence, and jumping back as if electrified. I’m not buying it. 

The fourth time I went to retrieve the ball (who is the retriever in this scenario again?), I thought, surely there’s a spiritual application to this, right? I don’t have it yet. I’m thinking. Waiting for the epiphany. 

I always seem to be waiting for something…directions, epiphanies, mechanics, repairmen, children to finish activities, phone calls, appointments, kids to carry laundry upstairs, the grass to grow in my little enclosed space…

Sometimes it seems that waiting is the theme of my life. Surprisingly, I’m finding myself okay with it. Well, at least right this minute. I might not be tomorrow. Probably not. I know that there is a season for everything, a time ordained by God, there is a plan…not my plan, but there is one nonetheless.

The other day I attempted to try to move something in a different direction, and God shut the door… not a slam, but definitely a closing. It wasn’t completely shocking, but I found myself blinking, stepping back a bit, and rethinking things yet again.

I can be like Gunner and Trapper, though. I can search for the way into the place I shouldn’t be just because it looks like that’s where I should be, and I’m pretty sure I’ll like it there. 

I had such a strong epiphany that as much as I want to be just where God wants me, I keep trying to manipulate my life into something different. I’ve said I like to be in control before…probably a million times…but I think I haven’t understood until recently how very much I try to manipulate things into being the way I want them to be. Like my dumb dogs, I am determined to get where I want to be, with or without permission, through fences or blockades. I will make this happen. 

The thing is, I’m absolutely certain that His way is better than mine, but I cannot deny that, at times, I really struggle to let Him be in control. It feels like I’m in a physical tug-of-war with Him. I can’t seem to let go of my grip and let Him handle things… at least not completely. I hold on with a pinky’s worth of strength, imagining that I’ve got things handled…it’s silly, really. I need to unclench my sweaty little palms and hold them open for what God has for me. 

I’m a little like Jacob wrestling God in his fear and loneliness. (Golly, I hope I don’t wrestle until my hip is broken. Enough is broken in my life without that too!) I will wrestle with Him over the timing and the way things happen. I think sometimes I just want something to happen. Let’s get this party started. This nothing changing thing is for the birds. Sometimes I can almost believe something is better than nothing, but life has made it abundantly clear that that is absolutely not true. Something is sometimes nothing I want to happen, and sitting still and trusting God would have been a much better option. 

Like my pooches, I can forget that what I have is great. They have a big beautiful yard, and they want to sneak into the little enclosed space full of holes. I wish I weren’t like them. I wish I could see the blessings right where I am and trust God to lead me where He wants me.

Sometimes I wish there was an actual fence blocking my way to places I shouldn’t go or places that just aren’t the best for me. I have decisions to make, and I really and truly struggle to discern God’s will for me and mine. Do I step out in faith and do plan A? Or do I step out in faith and do plan B? I cannot think back over the past ever so many years when one was more obviously right than the other. I always have to step out in faith and pray that the wisdom God promises me is indeed at work within me. 

Ultimately, I believe God is more than able to get me where He wants me to be regardless of me. I just need to keep my eyes on Him. Look for what He is doing around me and join Him. Pray with the expectation that God is going to answer. Trust Him that He will lead me. Pay attention. Listen. Be still. 

I need to stop trying to get somewhere. I’m where God wants me to be for this moment. And until He clearly shows me to take the next step in any particular direction, I’m staying here. I will resist the urge to get into that fenced-off area and dig holes…because I’m done digging holes that I eventually trip in. 

I want to walk with Jesus and trust Him even when I long for something other than what He has given me. I want to trust that His way is best. He wants me to follow Him. He isn’t playing hide and seek with me. He says He will lead me, so I must trust He will. 

Okay, that’s not where I thought this blog would go…at all. But, you know, I’m pretty sure I need to be reminded that waiting means I don’t sneak into places I shouldn’t be and that I trust God has prepared a place and plan for me that is just what I need. Maybe He isn’t opening up something because the grass still needs to grow there, and the holes must be filled before I go so I don’t fall in them. Or maybe things in me need to grow stronger and be filled.  

My heart is a little like my backyard mud pit. It has some patches that need to be healed and some areas that need to grow stronger so they can trust and love well. I’m happy to stay where the Lord has placed me…well, maybe not always happy, but I’ll choose to trust Him and wait for the next step to be revealed or the fence to come down.

Fletcher, R. & Porter, C. (1934) “Don’t fence me in”.

Audacious Love

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

My phone was dinging with texts the other night from one of my dear ones who was dealing with some disappointment. I was writing essay-like texts to encourage and love on my sweet child. 

At one point, I texted “Life isn’t about what we get to have or do or even who we get to be.” And then I typed the words, “Life is about…” and I stopped, put my phone down on my lap, and stared ahead wondering what to write.

And then I prayed…

Lord, what is life really about? I mean, really?

I thought the words would flow because surely I know what life is about…I’m half a century old-ish. Surely I know something, but I wasn’t sure for a minute. I mean, I know that Jesus is my life, that I want to live my life to glorify God…but, those weren’t the words I wanted to use in that moment. 

And then, like a sweet wave of peace pouring over me, I realized what I wanted to write…

Life is about loving God and loving others and even loving ourselves! 

It’s difficult for me to even type phrases like “loving ourselves” – it goes against everything in me to believe I’m supposed to love me…after all, isn’t that rather selfish and self-centered and self-righteous and all those other self words I don’t want used to describe me? 

But God…(I love that phrase) God has been showing me my lovableness for days and days, and months, and years. I’ve been woefully slow learning this love thing because I’ve looked to others to show me my worth rather than the One who loves me best.

It’s much easier for me to love others than to love myself, but can I truly love others well if I don’t love who I am in Christ? I think sometimes I love others well in hopes that they will love me well in return. For too long, I’ve sought to be loved by being loving. But if I don’t find myself lovable then I love others from a place of need rather than plenty. 

Love doesn’t overflow from me unless I understand how loved I am by God. When I do that, I can love who I am because of Whose I am, and I can love others out of that abundance.

The reason I have any true, real, and honest love to share is because I’ve accepted the perfect love of my Savior. 

The other day I wrote about climbing into the lap of Jesus, of hearing his heartbeat, and being at peace. And then, this morning I read John 13:23-25, “One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him…Leaning back against Jesus, he asked him…?”

Not unfamiliar verses but today I was impacted so deeply in a huge, heart altering way. John, the writer, is talking about himself. He is the disciple whom Jesus loved. How stunningly wonderful that he refers to himself that way. There is a beautiful audacity to it. He knows he is loved, no doubt in his mind. He doesn’t just accept it as fact, which it is, but he embraces it and revels in it!  He leans into it as he leans into His Savior. He is not ashamed to say it out loud. To declare the truth of it to all the world. Oh how I want to live like that. To speak that truth over myself and others. 

John invaded Jesus’ space. He is physically leaning on Him. In one version, it says, “leaning back on Jesus’ breast.”  He’s not just near Him, John is on Him. There is a sweet intimacy to it. 

John must have looked into Jesus’ eyes and known the depth of the love felt. As they walked and served together, he knew he was loved. And, God had John share so we would know it too. God wants us to know that we are deeply, completely, unrelentingly, unconditionally loved. He invites us to lean in and hear the beat of His heart for us. To lean further into Him to ask our questions, seek our rest and solace, and feel completely and utterly undone by His love. 

He calls me “Daughter, whom I love” and assures me that there is no other love that can compare to His. In His love, there is peace and hope and joy. From that place of being loved, I will be able to love others even better.

So, yes, I do believe that our life is about love. Both the big “L” Love and the little “L” love.  The “God is love” Love and the “love one another as you love yourself” love. 

Redeemed, Restored, Resting

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

I grabbed a whole row because my sweethearts were coming in behind me. I laid down my jacket, my purse, my Bible, my journal, and a few bulletins throughout the row to make sure I had enough seats. As they all filed in, I felt my smile grow bigger and bigger. These beautiful young people are my dearest blessings and I could barely contain my joy. They would have been embarrassed if I’d shown all the emotion I was feeling as we stood worshiping God. All I could think was how incredibly loving God is and how thankful I am for what He has done in our family. 

“Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story – those he redeemed from the hand of the foe” Psalm 107:2

Last year could be described as the quintessential dumpster fire year. And I’ve had some real doozy years so that’s saying a lot. It was emotionally-draining, exceptionally disappointing, heartbreaking, foundation-shaking, and I think I’d go as far as saying a bit soul-crushing…well, you get the idea. Not a stellar year.

BUT oh how God has redeemed it! I’m in awe. 

At the end of the summer, after a lot of drama and even more prayer, I felt strongly that God was leading me to quit my job and home-school my youngest daughters for one year. It made absolutely no sense on every single level except that both God and I knew that something needed to change. And this was a huge change for us.

This hasn’t been without its bumps and bruises, but I’ve learned that even when I follow His leading it doesn’t necessarily mean smooth sailing. There are rocks on every path, even the good ones, and sometimes it can get rather narrow and dark.

God has worked mightily in our family not just through happy home-school days on the porch, but through down in the dirt difficult days, hurts, lies, and betrayals, exhaustion and sickness, smart and dumb decisions, tight budgets, unexpected issues, challenges, and circumstances, and hard conversations. He has changed our hearts, opened our eyes, strengthened our relationships and our faith, and given us time to reevaluate our direction as individuals and a family. 

“Put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption” Psalm 130:7

This home-school plan seemed crazy, but I knew that it was what I was supposed to do. And, for once, I obeyed without hesitation. Desperate times called for desperate faith.

 It’s been filled with wonderfully deep and faith-filled conversations, tears and laughter, great literature and that awful math stuff, sitting by the river and just a lot of blessings that sometimes, at first, don’t even look like blessings..

This calling meant I turned down two jobs last year that would have been great all the way around, but I knew that I was supposed to do this. I knew I was supposed to trust and obey. I needed to trust like I did the year my husband left. I hadn’t really done that in a while. I’ve been so busy trying to control the details of life that I haven’t really leaned on Jesus. Maybe a little shoulder lean like when you lean over and whisper in someone’s ear, “Hey Lord, can you help me get this done?”  Now I’m climbing into His lap saying, “Jesus, I’m exhausted by trying to figure all of this out on my own. May I just sit with you for a while until you show me what to do next?”

It reminds me of climbing into my dad’s lap on Sunday evenings when he was watching football. Even when I was far too big, he would just let me rest there, close my eyes, and listen. The sound of a TV football game is still so comforting to me. Every once in a while I would open my eyes and ask how much longer. He would say something about “5 minutes left in the quarter” and, of course, 5 minutes in a quarter is not an actual five minutes. An early lesson in patience! But it was absolutely okay because it was peaceful there with him. 

Maybe it’s a little like that when we wait on God. I so desperately want God to tell me what is going on…when is this going to end? Instead of being my squirmy and impatient toddler self, I want to close my eyes and lean into His strong arms. I imagine I can hear His heartbeat, like my dad’s, calm and steady. I doubt he would smell like pipe tobacco like my dad, but maybe, for me, He would. 

“As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.” Psalm 18:30

I find myself seeking the shelter of His arms more and more as I learn to let Him lead. As I lean into Him with questions and concerns, fears and anxious thoughts, sorrow and joy…He has become my True Love. This past year of stepping out in faith when common sense and logic shouted something completely different was life-changing. 

I’ve seen God provide in ways I haven’t since the first years of single parenting. Not that He hasn’t constantly provided but in my feeble efforts to make things happen and take care of everything, I’ve missed experiencing it. I have often taken my eyes off of Jesus and looked for my help from other sources, mainly myself. 

I’m beginning to understand that God has a plan even when I can’t see it. Sometimes life is so busy I miss that God is working around me. I can get so overwhelmed by how poorly things seem to be going and not realize the good that God is doing even through the hard stuff. I think “the plan” should be one thing and God knows it has to be another. It is amazingly difficult to surrender to God, but If I would just remember how gracious He is to provide, how lovingly He looks after us, and how kind He is to make a way even when there seems to be no way, I could just close my eyes, lean into His strength, and rest.

“Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for him…” Psalm 37:17

It’s All About the Look

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

For the past few nights my girls and I have been watching the 6 hour BBC “Pride and Prejudice”. It’s probably the 83rd time. We looooove it. 

Last night, the episode we were watching was one where Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth look at each other for a prolonged moment over the piano-forte. Let’s just say we rewound it twice to watch and sighed both times. Who doesn’t want to be looked at like Mr. Darcy looks at Elizabeth?  I mean…seriously. 

Almost the very next scene, Mr. Darcy finds Elizabeth visibly upset after having just received dreadful news. He sits her down, leans in to listen, and appears desperate to figure out how to help her. When she bursts into tears, the actor playing Mr. Darcy puts the back of his hand up to his mouth in a gesture of care and frustration. He’s at a loss as to what to do. 

I don’t know why, but I love that little moment. There’s just something about the way Mr. Darcy cares about Elizabeth. Oh to be loved and cared for like that…to have someone almost in anguish at your anguish. At that moment, he shares in her sorrows. How beautiful is that?

We are a house full of females and other than windows pulsating with hormones sometimes, we are also a house of sighs and squeals and laughter. We are a house of women – both young and old – who want to be wooed and loved and protected and found precious. The longing of a woman’s heart…particularly one whose heart has been broken as all of ours have been. 

Questioning whether a broken heart will ever truly heal…if eyes will ever behold you as utterly beautiful and precious…if hands will hold you when you’re hurting and choose to feel your pain with you…if you’ll ever know what it means to be loved tenderly, compassionately, and faithfully.

Those are difficult questioning thoughts and painful to consider at times…being loved without conditions, agendas, deceit, or hurt…what is that like? 

And yet, I do know that ultimately the love of my life (and my daughters’) is Jesus. 

I feel a little bit guilty saying this but I still want to be romanced by a real live godly man…someone who isn’t going to break my dang heart again. Don’t know if that is God’s plan at this point, but oh how I pray for that for my daughters. I so want them to be cherished and loved. 

It’s important that they know who they are in Christ first though. I want them to find their strength, identity, and value in Jesus. No man can be who Jesus can be for them…or me.

I believe that romance is more than a man holding my hand and looking intently into my eyes like Mr. Darcy. The Lord says He will be my Husband. He will romance me in other ways. Not by sitting beside me watching a sunset, but by creating one for me. He doesn’t love me with quiet conversations in the evening but with peace in the middle of the night when thoughts begin to swirl and churn. 

I’m safe in His love. All the ways I have been hurt (and my children too) are things Jesus would never do. He would never bring chaos, because He is my peace. He would never break my heart, because He is perfect love. He would never betray me, because He cannot lie. He would never un-choose me because He made me just as I am. He would never leave me. He simply can’t. And, even if I do all that is ugly and unkind, He never stops loving me. 

There is nothing scary about being loved by God, but being loved by another person can be a whole ‘nother story. I’ve got to be brutally honest and say that trusting another person with your whole self and believing they will be honest and faithful is frightening. And yet…God says that His perfect love should make me fearless. 

Fearless to live in the love He has for me. 

I want to get to the point where no matter what another person says or does, I live unafraid in the love of God. That no matter how tenuous the future seems, I live peaceful in Jesus. That no matter the challenging circumstances of my life, I live boldly, bravely, and unashamedly trusting in Jesus. 

Romance is fun, but being romanced by my Savior is forever. 

Father, this seems a little like one of those things Christians say to make us feel better about being single. Well, actually it is one of those things they say, but, Lord, please help us know You as our True Love. Please help us feel your love in unexpected and beautiful ways like a prolonged stare across a piano-forte. Lord, strengthen us and enable us to be women who are unafraid of the future because we have a Savior who loves us completely. Please romance us in lovely ways we could never have imagined! In Your Dear Name, I pray.

No Drowning Allowed

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment
Photo by Matthias Cooper on Pexels.com

I don’t know if you ever played this silly game when you were young, but my friends and I thought it was hysterical to pretend we were drowning. Usually in the shallow end. We would jump up above the water, put one finger up, take an exaggerated gulp of air, and dramatically go under. Then we’d do it again with two fingers up. On the third jump, with three fingers in the air, we’d holler something dumb like, “Good bye cruel world!” and pretend to drown. I’m sure the lifeguards loved us. 

Sometimes as a single parent, I feel like I’m living in that game. In the past, I’ve had an idealized view of things. I was going to get really good at this single working mom thing. I was going to hold myself and five beautiful children above water with all my strength and wisdom. I was going to be an extraordinary spiritual leader and amazing single mom. I quickly found out that holding it all together without going under was more challenging than I could have imagined. Single parenting has felt like a near-drowning experience for many years. Unfortunately, this doesn’t really get easier…it’s not like you get “better” at drowning. 

Or maybe you do…

Because God is gracious and I’ve learned some things…when to shut my mouth so I don’t gulp water, when to close my eyes and give things to God, when to kick hard and push through the obstacles, when to flip and change direction, when to spit in my goggles and clear my vision, when to take a breath, and when to rest on the side for a bit.

I pulled out my most recent journal to remind myself of the ways I’ve seen God working in my life and the lives of my children. To see how I’ve grown. To consider the places where drowning seemed imminent, but I didn’t. Where God opened a lane I hadn’t expected and I was able to move forward without obstacles. I feel like most of the time I’m swimming in a lane set up like an obstacle course. Swim a little. Take a breath. Face an obstacle. Almost drown. Flip turn. Swim a little. Take a breath. Dolphin dive under. Hold breath longer than expected. Race for a breath. Kick to the side. Rest.

But while I was looking at the journal, instantly my thoughts went to, ‘You might have learned things, but boy have you failed at a lot.” Why does my brain go there so easily? Those thoughts push me under like a bully of  regret and sadness. I know that I have not failed at everything or even most things. I’m still swimming after all…even if occasionally it’s more like a dead man’s float rather than a strong freestyle stroke.. and definitely not a beautiful butterfly stroke. 

It’s easy to get discouraged and want to climb out of the pool, just for a minute. Just to de-prune and dry off a bit. To no longer be working so hard to stay afloat. But Jesus, He doesn’t ever get out of the pool. He stays right there with me and, if I’d let Him, He’d let me and all my children climb on His back and rest or even just grab hold of His arm and float effortlessly for a bit. I feel like more often than not, I’m frantically doggy paddling and saying, “I’m good. I got this!” while also gradually sinking lower and lower. Oh how I wish I didn’t think sometimes I needed to handle everything on my own. 

I’m like a toddler trying to take off her floaties and swim in the deep end. Determined to do my own thing all the while putting myself in more danger. I will move unawares or even blissfully into the deep water away from my Lifeguard until my exhaustion and fear overwhelm me and I search desperately for Him.  Thankfully, God doesn’t throw His hands up and swim away. God doesn’t leave me or forsake me even when I leave and forsake Him. He might let me go my own way for a bit until I get smart enough to run back into His arms like the prodigal daughter I can be, but He never leaves me. 

How grateful I am. 

I hope I’m not taking this swimming and drowning analogy too far, but all of a sudden it made sense to me. How easy it is to be like Peter and take my eyes off my Savior and go under… nearly drown. Or to ignore His warnings, smile, and backstroke away from Him. I’m ever so grateful that Jesus is always right there. Right beside me. And the moment I turn my eyes back to Him, immediately He grabs hold of me, pulls me close, and keeps me above water. 

No matter what, Jesus always always always saves me. No matter my unfaithfulness. No matter my willfulness. No matter my failures. No matter my mistakes. No matter my rebellion. No matter my circumstances. No matter my brokenness. No matter my intentions. No matter what. 

I think maybe I’ve figured out how to do this without going under for the third time…I’m still gulping a bit of water, splashing, and occasionally calling for help…but I haven’t put up three fingers yet. I’m pretty positive I won’t ever because I have a Lifeguard prepared to grab hold of me any and every time I need Him.

When You Just Want to Hide the Hard

/ Sue Birdseye / 4 Comments

This past weekend I planted 7 large bushes. Digging the holes ‘bout killed me. I was determined to get through all the roots, rocks, and clay. I jumped on that shovel like my life depended on it. Wrestled those shrubs out of their buckets and into my hard-fought holes. Filled back in the edges with dirt and made it look relatively pretty.

Sometimes I can live life in the same way. Digging through those dang roots in hopes I can plant something beautiful. 

But its just really hard (life and planting bushes) and honestly I’m pretty tired and even a bit embarrassed by how hard.

Sometimes I want to hide parts of my life…not lay bear the burdens because of how ridiculous it all is. (I was going to say seems but I need to own it…it IS ridiculous.) So much feels like failure…I should get it together already. As if I could stop failing transmissions, water leaking through ceilings, scary health issues, or people I love making choices I wish they wouldn’t. If I share it all people will probably think I’m pathetic. After all, I kind of do.

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.” Psalm 13:5

So I’m holding and hiding things.

I believe I’m wrong about holding all this…maybe I should say jumping on my shovel to get through things without letting anyone know how desperately difficult it is sometimes. I might share some, but not all…because that’s just insanity.

Heavy things don’t get lighter the longer we carry them…they get heavier. Even if I don’t decide to lay them down, at some point I’m going to drop them…whether its in utter defeat or in surrender to God is up to me.

I know I’m supposed to lay things down…before God and for others.

Letting go of my perceived control and humbling myself sure is hard though. I think, “God allowed this in my life. I must need to carry it, deal with, handle it, overcome it, push through it, make it work.” And all in my own strength (thank you very much).

“But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me.”  Psalm 22:19

I know that in all this hard there is hope. God has a plan. But it feels like I’ve messed things up too much. That I’ve dug too many holes in the wrong places too many times. I can look back at innumerable decisions and wish I’d taken the other option because then maybe, just maybe, things would have been different…less hard, less hurt, less heartbreak. 

Last night, my daughter and I talked about regret. We both have regrets. Her regrets are just beginning. Mine have been building and strengthening over time. Sometimes the weight of them steals my breath and threatens to throw me into a hole bigger than the ones I dug in the backyard.. 

Regret is useless. That’s what I told her. Nothing good comes of it. What is done, is done. God still love us. He forgives the mistakes, even the willfully in-your-face mistakes that break His heart and ours too. It’s still hard. The if only’s and what if’s are devastating if we mull them over too often or at all. 

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.  Psalm 30:11-12

Recently while sitting  on my bed preparing for the next day, I had the joy of listening to one of my daughters sing praise songs in the shower…this same girl who wept tears of regret and sorrow the night before. Maybe that’s why the leak in the kitchen ceiling happened. It made me shut down the girls’ shower and ask everyone to use mine until I figured things out. Because of that, I heard worship from one of my dear ones who needs desperately to know the Father’s love and peace. To accept forgiveness for herself. 

Don’t we all?  Desperately need the Father’s love and peace. I do. Sometimes the hard and heartbreaking makes me question how much He loves me…if He loves me truly. 

Sometimes I just feel so very really and truly broken. Do I work anymore? Does my heart work? Can broken hopes be restored? Do broken homes ever stop being broken? Does He care about houses with broken bits? Or broken cars that inconveniently stop moving?  What do you do with all the broken? I don’t know. It can feel like I’m buried under the broken pieces. The question stumbles around in my brain, “Does God really love this broken me?”

“We wait in hope for the LORD: he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, LORD, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:20-22

Do I have an answer to that question? I do, but do I believe it? 

Do I trust even when everything feels broken? Even when things are heavy, hard, and hurtful? Even when one thing after another begins to feel like too much? Do I believe that I can entrust it all to Him? Will He really help…I mean not just give me peace in the midst of the struggle (a great thing to be sure), but practical and real help? 

“The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

I’ve always loved the psalmists who are so willing to lay bear their heartbreaks, disappointments, questions, fears, and anger. 

God isn’t disappointed, dismayed, or frustrated by our feelings. He just wants us to lay them down. In the laying down, God fills up.  

Love. Joy. Peace… ours to have if we give the struggle to God.

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”  Psalm 55:22

There is no broken God can’t fix. No hope He can’t bring back. No hurt He can’t heal. No plan He can’t make perfect. No mess He can’t redeem.  No shaking He can’t still. No peace He can’t restore. No broken bits He can’t rebuild.

All He needs from me is trust. Nothing more. 

Doesn’t that just seem so simple? And yet so incredibly impossible too? Sometimes trust seems a huge thing to ask, especially when things can’t seem to go as planned or even remotely hoped for. 

But God…do I believe His plan is perfect? His way is right? That He loves me? Yes. Yes. Yes. 

So girl, what’s the deal?  

Life. Life is the deal. 

All those roots and rocks and things that make the digging hard. All the burdens that wrench my back like huge bushes wrestled into holes…

I don’t have to deal with them alone. Truly, I don’t.

Laying all of it down before God…handing the hard to the Heavenly. It works…if I do it. I know me…I’ll need to do it again and again and again.

And, I’ll need to share with others. Let them know the depth of the struggle so they can see God work in my life too. So I can comfort with the comfort I’ve been given. So the beauty – and there will be beauty – can be shared.

Give God the shovel, the hole, the roots. the rocks, and the bush. Let Him make it all beautiful…because He will.

“And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:3

Be Who You Already Are

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

I was sharing with a dear friend some hard things that were happening and she texted me this, “God will provide abundantly and be your Bridegroom. He is King. Be His beloved.”

Gentle but powerful words that went straight to my heart. 

In those words I heard, “Be who you already are.” 

I am Beloved.

I will call those who were not my people, ‘My people’, and her who was not beloved, “Beloved“. Romans 9:25

The past few years have been filled with me facing the lies I’ve believed about myself. It’s awfully easy to rehearse falsehoods about myself based on what others have done or said to me. Even lies I believe about myself that have unknown origins but run deeply through me.

Sometimes they seem so firmly ingrained in who I am and how I think I wonder if I’ll ever be free. That is another lie. It’s time to start calling these thoughts what they are…lies. One of my friends would say, “Lies from the pit of hell.” Yup. I believe that is correct.

If I believe the lies that I’m unworthy of love, that I’ll never be enough, that I’m a failure, that God can’t do in my life what I hope He does because I’m not good enough, that I will never get my life in order, I’m denying the power of God in my life. I’m ignoring the value placed on me at the Cross. I’m actually devaluing Christ by saying that what He did for me wasn’t enough to make me enough. 

Well, when you put it that way…yikes. 

I looked up the word beloved and it’s definition is filled with all the words I want said about me…and the beautiful thing is God DOES say them about me and you!

Dearest, Precious, Treasured, Cherished, Valued, Dearly Loved, Special, Darling, Loved Very Much.

I think my favorite is “loved thoroughly” because it reminds me of how God knows me intimately, at my core, better than I know myself, AND He still loves me relentlessly, unconditionally, without ceasing, perfectly. *sigh* 

Thank you, Lord. 

Without the love of Christ, true love is impossible. The world’s definition of love is really rather flimsy and fleeting. I want the strong and steady love of Christ.

If we know that we are beloved and loved by our Father – cherished, treasured, valued, dearly loved – then we can rest, trust, and believe that He will take care of us and we can live unafraid. 

Perfect love casts out fear. 1 John 4:18

Breath in deeply the knowledge that you are loved…there is nothing to fear…

Nothing at all can separate you from the Father’s love…nothing can take away your belovedness.

  • Anything you can think of that you’ve done or said or didn’t do or didn’t say cannot change His love.
  • Something done to you or said about you cannot make you less lovable to Him.
  • What you think about yourself or what others think, makes no difference to Him and how much He loves you.
  • All those things that make you feel like a failure, they don’t impact His love at all. He is not disappointed in you.
  • He knew your past before it even happened and it didn’t change the fact that He loves you and died for you.
  • What you are going through right now, He is with you, loving you through it.
  • What you are afraid about in the future, His love is already there waiting for you to arrive.
  • Nothing you do or say or think can change the Father’s love for you…it is unconditionally relentless.
  • You are loved as you are…not as you think He wants you to be.
  • Nothing you do surprises Him. Nothing you think shocks Him. Nothing you say distresses Him. His love is firmly fixed on you.
  • He knows you completely to your core (better than you know yourself) and He does not condemn you at all. His love is yours period.

You, Beloved, were bought with a price…you were and are valuable enough to be redeemed by the death of Jesus. You are more precious than you can comprehend. 

The past is redeemed, the present is protected, and the future is prepared. 

No past experience, sin, or pain is too much for Jesus to overcome. 

No present circumstance, crisis, or concern is too much for the Holy Spirit to handle. 

The future is secure in the Father’s hands.

Close your eyes for a moment and ponder His love. Whisper thanksgiving, “Lord, thank you that you say I am precious, honored in Your sight and You love me” (Isaiah 43:4).

Believe with your heart that you are beloved because you are – God declares it with His word and with His actions.

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Colossians 3:12

Fidgety

/ Sue Birdseye / 2 Comments

On a recent afternoon, my youngest daughter and I took a walk by the river (above picture). It was beautifully serene and peaceful. My chest ached with a longing to be that peaceful…to be quiet inside.

I shared with my daughter how I longed to feel the way the water looked.

She said, “Momma, why don’t you just sit still, be quiet, and think?”

I told her that when I try to be still my thoughts crash together in my head and I can’t seem to quiet them.”

My thoughts are fidgety.

She said that I should try to just be in that moment. Think about how beautiful it is – what the water looks like…what the air smells like…what I hear and see and feel.

And thank God for it all. 

Once again God has used one of my children to point me to Himself.

I’ve been in a long season of things being a bit heavy and hard. Sometimes I’m shaky in my confidence that God has a good plan for me. I know He does. I know it. But sometimes everything can feel awfully heavy and absolutely nothing seems easy…hasn’t for a while.

And I wonder what God’s plan could possibly be…because I’m pretty weary of the one I’ve been living out.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I don’t know if I can adequately express how desperately I long for rest…physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I need rest almost as much as I need oxygen…at least it feels that way. 

“Come to me…”

I hear Him whisper it to me. Imploring me to drop the to-dos, the regrets, the fears and worries, and the lists of should’s so I can simply rest with Him. It’s hard to be quiet in my head and heart. To feel peace in my deepest parts.

Sometimes I wonder if all my broken parts are letting my peace leak out. I can’t seem to grab it firmly. Probably because my hands are full holding all the pieces of me together…I have no grip left for peace.

“Come to me, Dearest. I know you are burdened and carrying things that are too heavy for you to bear..”

I’m carrying too much. Too much sorrow. Too much fear. Too much regret. Too much heartbreak. Too much to do and think about.

I’m trying to control too much.

God wants me to drop it all at His feet. Lay it all down. Put it down. Just let go.

Oh, but that sounds hard. What will happen if I let it all go? Will everything fall apart? Will I fall apart?

“Come here, my love. Let’s deal with that heavy burden you are carrying. Rest here with me.”

I keep looking for peaceful circumstances. That has not been my story. The quiet moments I do get are really difficult to rest in. My thoughts race. My sleep is fitful. My heart is heavy. 

I’m constantly looking for a way to make this life less difficult.  Seeking solutions.

But God’s word doesn’t say anything about seeking solutions, but it does say to seek peace. (Psalm 34:14) Actually, seek it AND pursue it.

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14

Don’t just look for it! Go find it! With the understanding that God absolutely will provide it.

In fact, He already has.

Jesus, who is my peace, guarantees my peace no matter the turbulence I face in this world.

For he himself is our peace…  Ephesians 2:14

So why is it so dang hard for me to find it, feel it, rest in it?

Probably because I’m always trying to fix things, change things, make things better on my own .

God says, “Hey Sweet One, I told you don’t worry about anything! I’m right here with you. Just talk to me. Share your thoughts and concerns. Find the blessings and be thankful. Don’t just focus on all the crazy. There is more than the crazy…open your eyes to the blessings and be thankful. Share it all with me. And I promise there will be a peace that will shock you. You will find it, feel it, and rest in it! Dearest, I have you in the palm of my hand and you are mine!” (Philippians 4:6-7)

I can seek peace instead of seeking peaceful circumstances by choosing to seek Him and pursue Him.

There is a spot by the river waiting for me to sit still and just be with Jesus. To let go of the concerns and to-do lists. To take my eyes off the fears about the future and put them on Him. To reflect on the beauty of gentle waves lapping on a little pebble-filled beach. To hear birds chirping songs given to them by their Creator. To breathe deeply of the fresh air, to feel it filling my lungs with the song of praise given to me by my Father.

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:3-4

Following the Conductor

/ Sue Birdseye / 5 Comments
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

There is a rhythm to life now. Although I’m still a tad awkward, I think I’m getting the hang of it. My life like a musical score with all its high notes and low notes and harmonies and minor clashes and key changes…it’s beautiful in its unpredictability and challenging in its complexity. Still, it is a masterpiece of God’s design, even with the many movements which don’t seem to get easier but flow with a different rhythm and more complicated harmonies.

Things go better when I allow God to sing the lead…it’s difficult not to jump in when it seems like the harmony isn’t exactly what I wanted to do, and the lead seems like a much easier line to take.

It never is though. God makes it sound…. look…. easy. Surely, I can handle this… how hard can it be?

Hard.

It can be hard.

Or, how about…I can let God lead. Oh my, how many times have I heard someone say, “Let God lead you. Follow Him”? Well, let’s just say a lot. And how often in the past ever so many years or maybe the whole measure of my days, have I tried to lead only to stumble and fall when the music takes a turn from the expected…when measure after measure changes into something unrecognizable…I thought for sure I knew where the music was going when the resolution would come, when the key would change to one with fewer sharps and flats.

I was wrong.

Golly, I get tired of being wrong.

I know one thing I’m right about…God is better at leading than I am. He knows where the music is going…there is no warble, no wobble, no missed words, no wonky notes, no flats and sharps where there shouldn’t be…He wrote it after all. He should know it well.

When will I ever be satisfied just following His lead? Letting Him pick the next measure of my life. Allowing Him to conduct while I follow.

All the life music, all about Him, all written by Him, all sung beautifully by Him…that’s what I mean.

Do you know what I mean?

Lately, well, for quite a while, I’ve been trying to be more than just a voice in His music. I’ve wanted to be the soloist, conduct the orchestra, lead the choir, and sometimes even write the music as we go.

The result?

Cacophony might be the best word for it.

Or maybe caterwauling.

It’s a racket, that’s for sure, and not something I recommend adding to any playlist.

I must admit that I’m surrendering to God for the first time in a long time. I am letting Him take control of the melody, harmony, music, orchestration, and choir. He can have it all!

All of it.

In a sense, I’m giving up. The whole shebang. Not in a bad way. I’m not walking away. I’m not giving up any responsibility…just the idea that I can control things and make life better just by sheer effort. Maybe I’ve been putting in a bit more effort apart from God than I thought.

It sure is easy to start singing my own tune without His music in front of me. Skipping measures, avoiding repeats, ignoring diminuendos and decrescendos, moving from one song to the next willy-nilly as I please. God implores me to look at Him to lead me and conduct my life. It could be a masterpiece if I would keep my eyes on Him.

A few years back, I sang a solo in our city’s choral guild performance of “The Messiah.” It was a huge honor, and I was terrified. During the performance, I locked eyes with the conductor and followed her lead without hesitation. I trusted that she cared as much about my performance as I did. She knew the score even better than I did. She knew every instrument that needed to play and when. She knew everything about the musical score that required a response from the musicians and me. And she knew how to do her job to lead us through the music to create a beautiful experience.

I need to lock eyes with God, the conductor of my life. He wrote the score and knows it intimately. There is not a measure He has not prepared me for, not a note He is surprised by, not a pause in the music He doesn’t fill with Himself.

My life’s score has all the notations that I need. Rests when I need to be quiet and refreshed. Crescendos when I need to stand up and be brave. He changes the tempo of my life to match what He knows will bring me closer to Him.

I’m standing expectantly, straightening my back, taking a deep breath, and fixing my eyes on Jesus.

I’m ready to sing the song He has written for me.

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100