Joy

Counting It All Good

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

One Sunday when I was in my early teens, my mom and I sang a song together at church. I remember how nervous I was while I waited in the front pew for the end of the Scripture reading. Mom and I walked up together, stood behind the pulpit, placed our hymnal down, and waited for the introduction. We harmonized through our duet, “Count Your Blessings.” It’s a sweet memory of a special time with my mom.

“When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.” 

I still sing that song sometimes to remind myself and my children to take a minute to think about the good things that have happened instead of just seeing the other not-so-awesome stuff.

Years ago I started a gratitude journal. I found it recently in my desk drawer. What a joy to look through it! I realized that when I started looking for things to be grateful for there was an abundance. I found joy in so many things…the sound of a car driving over gravel or the squeak of shoes on a basketball court, the cozy smell of coffee in the morning or the heavy sweetness right before a rain, the beauty of the sky after a storm or the moon on a clear night, the comfort of a soft quilt on a cold night or the breeze of a fan gently blowing on a hot day. The taste of a perfectly mixed soda fountain cola and melted butter on freshly baked bread. So many things to be thankful for, to find joy in, to focus on.

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

It has been entirely too easy over the years to focus on all the difficulties because, honestly, there is a fair amount of them. Opening the mail and finding another medical bill. Watching the news and seeing the next infuriating or devastating thing that’s happening. Discovering another thing that needs to be repaired or replaced. Listening to the hurt your child is suffering or addressing the hurtful choices of others. But enough about that. THAT is not what I want to focus on…good gravy, the whole point is to not focus on those. 

“Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings, ev’ry doubt will fly,

And you will be singing as the days go by.”

I had a dear friend tell me I’m too much with the lists. Maybe. Probably. But some lists are good! Listing things that I’m thankful for seems like a wonderful idea! 

“Count your many blessings, name them one by one

Count your many blessings, see what God has done.”

It’s something that I’m trying to get my children to do as well. It’s surprisingly easy to get into the complaining rut. I read somewhere that we create pathways in our brains by our thinking. If we continually think negatively we create a rut in our brain that our thoughts naturally take. I’m sure this is why we need to take our thoughts captive. If we don’t, our thoughts make ruts that we definitely don’t want to get stuck traveling. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself traveling some well-worn paths in my brain. Definitely muddy. Certainly bumpy. Always uncomfortable. And, honestly, I’m sick to death of the paths my thoughts take. There is no positive outcome possible, no solutions presented, and no hopeful perspective. It’s time for a change. A U-turn of sorts. Maybe I go off the beaten path and onto one that is less well-worn. One that has been left untended, untraveled, and, maybe to some degree, unknown to me. One where I don’t get caught up in all the muck and mire. One where I pay attention to what is around me, what is ahead of me, and who is beside me. I know that God will reveal beauty in each moment, regardless of how difficult or frustrating, or heartbreaking it is. 

The simple act of trying to find things to be grateful for is one way we can turn our thoughts around. One way we can even turn our life around…one thought, one moment, one day at a time. 

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, his love endures forever. 1 Chronicles 16:34

Don’t Fence Me Out

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

I have fond memories of my dad singing little ditties as he went about his day. Most were a little tongue and cheek, and all made me laugh. One he often sang, I’m sure to my mom’s delight, was “Don’t Fence Me In”…

“Oh, give me land, lots of land
Under starry skies above
Don’t fence me in”

It came to mind as I was writing this morning about my two golden retrievers and some fences…although I think they are singing “Don’t Fence Me Out.”

I was unaware that golden retrievers are notorious diggers.

I know now. 

My backyard is a minefield of break-your-ankle holes that become mud pits when it rains. 

My oldest son came two weekends ago to help fence in the worst area so we could fill in holes, regrow grass, and possibly avoid the dust and mud that gets tracked into my home. 

It’s completely enclosed with no entry point, except somehow, my dogs keep getting into it when I’m not looking. Never when I stand there and watch to see what they are doing, they won’t even go near it when I stand in it and invite them in. It’s like they don’t want me to know their secret and, for the life of me, I can’t figure it out. I’m debating throwing some treats in there and seeing if they will give up their secret entrance. I’m baffled. And I’m disappointed in myself that my golden retrievers (who aren’t the brightest bulbs in the bunch) have gotten one over on me. 

This morning I was throwing the ball for Gunner, our ball-retrieving machine. Several times the ball bounced into the enclosed area. He stood outside it, panting, pawing the fence, and jumping back as if electrified. I’m not buying it. 

The fourth time I went to retrieve the ball (who is the retriever in this scenario again?), I thought, surely there’s a spiritual application to this, right? I don’t have it yet. I’m thinking. Waiting for the epiphany. 

I always seem to be waiting for something…directions, epiphanies, mechanics, repairmen, children to finish activities, phone calls, appointments, kids to carry laundry upstairs, the grass to grow in my little enclosed space…

Sometimes it seems that waiting is the theme of my life. Surprisingly, I’m finding myself okay with it. Well, at least right this minute. I might not be tomorrow. Probably not. I know that there is a season for everything, a time ordained by God, there is a plan…not my plan, but there is one nonetheless.

The other day I attempted to try to move something in a different direction, and God shut the door… not a slam, but definitely a closing. It wasn’t completely shocking, but I found myself blinking, stepping back a bit, and rethinking things yet again.

I can be like Gunner and Trapper, though. I can search for the way into the place I shouldn’t be just because it looks like that’s where I should be, and I’m pretty sure I’ll like it there. 

I had such a strong epiphany that as much as I want to be just where God wants me, I keep trying to manipulate my life into something different. I’ve said I like to be in control before…probably a million times…but I think I haven’t understood until recently how very much I try to manipulate things into being the way I want them to be. Like my dumb dogs, I am determined to get where I want to be, with or without permission, through fences or blockades. I will make this happen. 

The thing is, I’m absolutely certain that His way is better than mine, but I cannot deny that, at times, I really struggle to let Him be in control. It feels like I’m in a physical tug-of-war with Him. I can’t seem to let go of my grip and let Him handle things… at least not completely. I hold on with a pinky’s worth of strength, imagining that I’ve got things handled…it’s silly, really. I need to unclench my sweaty little palms and hold them open for what God has for me. 

I’m a little like Jacob wrestling God in his fear and loneliness. (Golly, I hope I don’t wrestle until my hip is broken. Enough is broken in my life without that too!) I will wrestle with Him over the timing and the way things happen. I think sometimes I just want something to happen. Let’s get this party started. This nothing changing thing is for the birds. Sometimes I can almost believe something is better than nothing, but life has made it abundantly clear that that is absolutely not true. Something is sometimes nothing I want to happen, and sitting still and trusting God would have been a much better option. 

Like my pooches, I can forget that what I have is great. They have a big beautiful yard, and they want to sneak into the little enclosed space full of holes. I wish I weren’t like them. I wish I could see the blessings right where I am and trust God to lead me where He wants me.

Sometimes I wish there was an actual fence blocking my way to places I shouldn’t go or places that just aren’t the best for me. I have decisions to make, and I really and truly struggle to discern God’s will for me and mine. Do I step out in faith and do plan A? Or do I step out in faith and do plan B? I cannot think back over the past ever so many years when one was more obviously right than the other. I always have to step out in faith and pray that the wisdom God promises me is indeed at work within me. 

Ultimately, I believe God is more than able to get me where He wants me to be regardless of me. I just need to keep my eyes on Him. Look for what He is doing around me and join Him. Pray with the expectation that God is going to answer. Trust Him that He will lead me. Pay attention. Listen. Be still. 

I need to stop trying to get somewhere. I’m where God wants me to be for this moment. And until He clearly shows me to take the next step in any particular direction, I’m staying here. I will resist the urge to get into that fenced-off area and dig holes…because I’m done digging holes that I eventually trip in. 

I want to walk with Jesus and trust Him even when I long for something other than what He has given me. I want to trust that His way is best. He wants me to follow Him. He isn’t playing hide and seek with me. He says He will lead me, so I must trust He will. 

Okay, that’s not where I thought this blog would go…at all. But, you know, I’m pretty sure I need to be reminded that waiting means I don’t sneak into places I shouldn’t be and that I trust God has prepared a place and plan for me that is just what I need. Maybe He isn’t opening up something because the grass still needs to grow there, and the holes must be filled before I go so I don’t fall in them. Or maybe things in me need to grow stronger and be filled.  

My heart is a little like my backyard mud pit. It has some patches that need to be healed and some areas that need to grow stronger so they can trust and love well. I’m happy to stay where the Lord has placed me…well, maybe not always happy, but I’ll choose to trust Him and wait for the next step to be revealed or the fence to come down.

Fletcher, R. & Porter, C. (1934) “Don’t fence me in”.

Redeemed, Restored, Resting

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

I grabbed a whole row because my sweethearts were coming in behind me. I laid down my jacket, my purse, my Bible, my journal, and a few bulletins throughout the row to make sure I had enough seats. As they all filed in, I felt my smile grow bigger and bigger. These beautiful young people are my dearest blessings and I could barely contain my joy. They would have been embarrassed if I’d shown all the emotion I was feeling as we stood worshiping God. All I could think was how incredibly loving God is and how thankful I am for what He has done in our family. 

“Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story – those he redeemed from the hand of the foe” Psalm 107:2

Last year could be described as the quintessential dumpster fire year. And I’ve had some real doozy years so that’s saying a lot. It was emotionally-draining, exceptionally disappointing, heartbreaking, foundation-shaking, and I think I’d go as far as saying a bit soul-crushing…well, you get the idea. Not a stellar year.

BUT oh how God has redeemed it! I’m in awe. 

At the end of the summer, after a lot of drama and even more prayer, I felt strongly that God was leading me to quit my job and home-school my youngest daughters for one year. It made absolutely no sense on every single level except that both God and I knew that something needed to change. And this was a huge change for us.

This hasn’t been without its bumps and bruises, but I’ve learned that even when I follow His leading it doesn’t necessarily mean smooth sailing. There are rocks on every path, even the good ones, and sometimes it can get rather narrow and dark.

God has worked mightily in our family not just through happy home-school days on the porch, but through down in the dirt difficult days, hurts, lies, and betrayals, exhaustion and sickness, smart and dumb decisions, tight budgets, unexpected issues, challenges, and circumstances, and hard conversations. He has changed our hearts, opened our eyes, strengthened our relationships and our faith, and given us time to reevaluate our direction as individuals and a family. 

“Put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption” Psalm 130:7

This home-school plan seemed crazy, but I knew that it was what I was supposed to do. And, for once, I obeyed without hesitation. Desperate times called for desperate faith.

 It’s been filled with wonderfully deep and faith-filled conversations, tears and laughter, great literature and that awful math stuff, sitting by the river and just a lot of blessings that sometimes, at first, don’t even look like blessings..

This calling meant I turned down two jobs last year that would have been great all the way around, but I knew that I was supposed to do this. I knew I was supposed to trust and obey. I needed to trust like I did the year my husband left. I hadn’t really done that in a while. I’ve been so busy trying to control the details of life that I haven’t really leaned on Jesus. Maybe a little shoulder lean like when you lean over and whisper in someone’s ear, “Hey Lord, can you help me get this done?”  Now I’m climbing into His lap saying, “Jesus, I’m exhausted by trying to figure all of this out on my own. May I just sit with you for a while until you show me what to do next?”

It reminds me of climbing into my dad’s lap on Sunday evenings when he was watching football. Even when I was far too big, he would just let me rest there, close my eyes, and listen. The sound of a TV football game is still so comforting to me. Every once in a while I would open my eyes and ask how much longer. He would say something about “5 minutes left in the quarter” and, of course, 5 minutes in a quarter is not an actual five minutes. An early lesson in patience! But it was absolutely okay because it was peaceful there with him. 

Maybe it’s a little like that when we wait on God. I so desperately want God to tell me what is going on…when is this going to end? Instead of being my squirmy and impatient toddler self, I want to close my eyes and lean into His strong arms. I imagine I can hear His heartbeat, like my dad’s, calm and steady. I doubt he would smell like pipe tobacco like my dad, but maybe, for me, He would. 

“As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.” Psalm 18:30

I find myself seeking the shelter of His arms more and more as I learn to let Him lead. As I lean into Him with questions and concerns, fears and anxious thoughts, sorrow and joy…He has become my True Love. This past year of stepping out in faith when common sense and logic shouted something completely different was life-changing. 

I’ve seen God provide in ways I haven’t since the first years of single parenting. Not that He hasn’t constantly provided but in my feeble efforts to make things happen and take care of everything, I’ve missed experiencing it. I have often taken my eyes off of Jesus and looked for my help from other sources, mainly myself. 

I’m beginning to understand that God has a plan even when I can’t see it. Sometimes life is so busy I miss that God is working around me. I can get so overwhelmed by how poorly things seem to be going and not realize the good that God is doing even through the hard stuff. I think “the plan” should be one thing and God knows it has to be another. It is amazingly difficult to surrender to God, but If I would just remember how gracious He is to provide, how lovingly He looks after us, and how kind He is to make a way even when there seems to be no way, I could just close my eyes, lean into His strength, and rest.

“Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for him…” Psalm 37:17

How Honest Do I Really Need to Be?

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

A few weeks ago I felt convicted that I needed to share more – write more. And I knew that to some degree it would be a humbling experience because my life is messy, crisis-prone, exhausting, and somewhat embarrassing.

Last night something happened that tends to happen a bit more than I’d like lately, and I prayed, “Lord, how honest do I really need to be? Do I need to share this?”

I believe I know the answer although I’m typing this with no real intention of posting… if this gets posted, you’ll know that God absolutely, without a doubt, showed me clearly that I needed to.

Days are busy and nights…well, the moment I slow down everything crowds in. Every failure, whether real or perceived, weighs heavy on my heart and mind. I’m crushed by emotions and questions and just all the things.

As I climb onto my bed, moving pillows and blankets so I don’t melt in my mid-life sleeping, I can feel my eyes begin to water. Soundless tears begin to fall. An ache forms in my chest and my breath catches. My mind races with all the questions no one but God knows the answer to and I don’t know if He’ll ever tell me the reasons I long to know…if He’ll speak the truth to my heart because maybe that will break it more, which honestly is a bit inconceivable.

But the truth is…the truth I need to know..the truth He wants me to know…the truth that will hold all my tears and listen patiently and compassionately to my questions and laments…the truth is that He loves me. 

I’m weary to my core…like no weary I’ve known before…but I also feel that God is carrying me closer to Himself than I have felt in so long. I almost can’t explain it. 

Maybe it’s a little what Elijah felt when he ran for his life from Jezebel. God had used Elijah in mighty ways, but something happened and Elijah despaired. He felt like a failure. He sat down under a bush and begged to die. Elijah says words I’ve spoken many times (not the kill me words though, the other ones), “I’ve had enough Lord. I’m no better than all the other people who sinned and failed before me.”  Elijah succinctly pours out his heart to God and then falls asleep. That’s pretty much me every night. 

Father, I can’t do it anymore. I feel like an utter failure.

Just a moment later, at least it seems that way, an angel touches him and instructs him to wake up and eat. Elijah sees that there is bread and water. He eats, drinks, and then goes back to sleep. Again, the angel of the Lord touches him and says, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 

Father, I do feel like Elijah. Lord, what you have called me to feels like too much; please strengthen and sustain me.

Elijah was strengthened by the food and then traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached a cave and there he spent the night. Then the Lord spoke to Elijah and asked him what he was doing there. I think the question was more like, “What is going on dear one? Why are you here?” God already knew, but maybe He wanted Elijah to admit and face his fears. Elijah answers with what he has done for God, the disappointments and probably what feels like failures, and how he thinks he is the last one left following God. 

Father, I have tried to follow you and do what I believe you have called me to and yet nothing seems to work the way I thought it would. I feel so alone in this struggle.

Boy, is it easy to feel alone in our battles, particularly when we feel like a failure. This is one of my biggest struggles. I sometimes don’t want to ask for help because I need so much of it. Sometimes I look at things and just feel like an absolute and complete failure. If I was good at things we wouldn’t be in this place dealing with these issues, facing these crises. The phrase I fight the hardest in my head is “I’m such a failure.” And I know that is not from God because He does not see me as a failure, just as He didn’t see Elijah as one.

God tells Elijah to “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” (1 Kings 19:11) As Elijah was standing there first a “powerful wind tore the mountain apart and shattered the rocks,” but that wasn’t the Lord. Then the earth quaked and fire blazed, but neither of those was the Lord either. Finally, a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he moved to the mouth of the cave to hear God better.

Lord, I want to hear you better. 

Have you ever had someone whisper to you? Your natural inclination is to lean in to hear better. I believe this is what God wanted Elijah to do. I think it is also what He wants us to do. Lean in closer. 

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8

God didn’t get angry at Elijah for being afraid, feeling like a failure, and despairing. He met him where he was with comfort (and food which is always comforting). God prepared Elijah for what was ahead. It wasn’t easy, but God was with him. God spent time with Elijah. Spoke to Elijah. Showed Himself to Elijah. 

My time sitting on my bed quietly weeping is not always a bad thing…actually I don’t know if it ever is. Sometimes it’s freeing. It’s quiet, solitary time with God. And I believe it’s healing. I’m finally dealing with some deep hurts and sorrows, grieving losses and betrayals, laying my heart bare before God. 

Before now life has to some degree been too busy to feel things deeply. Being a single parent doesn’t allow for a lot of self-reflection or feeling deep emotions for more than a minute. I’ve spoken with enough single parents to know that we all walk a path of self-sacrifice and our focus is usually on others…the to-dos are never ending – work, home, school, sports, activities, appointments, and broken things (not just hearts and homes, but appliances, cars, plumbing, etc.) can make life move at a ridiculous pace. You wake early and go to bed late and can’t figure out when exactly you took a breath or sat down for a minute before you needed to do something else. 

Please know that in any given day, in fact most days, the good far outweighs the bad…but that doesn’t negate the overall effect of running on empty for years and years. My empty tank is bone dry and I’m finally finding time to fill it back up…some of the filling is with tears. I’ve cried my share of them over the years, but I would never have called myself a weeper. Now is a different story. Tonight someone came to pick up my dead car from my driveway and I almost cried in front of him. Two weeks ago in my small group someone said, “Hey, you know there are people in church who will help you with your house”…I cried the whole way home. (Now if I could just humble myself and call…so embarrassed about all that needs fixing.) The first time I loaded the new dishwasher after being without one for about four years…tears welled up in my eyes. Silly, I know, but I was just so thankful and blessed by it. Other times, it’s a thought that crushes me, a feeling that stabs my heart, a hard memory that I feel deeply…it’s okay though. I believe it’s important for us to work through those things and lay them at the foot of the Cross with all the other junk in our lives. It’s a process. Sometimes I lay it down and pick it back up again…only to repeat the process several times…sometimes all in one day. 

I think maybe I’m supposed to share this with you because I don’t believe I’m alone in it. This mourning what was lost that can never be again. Grieving the pain and hurt caused by someone I loved deeply, faithfully, and completely. Processing the thoughts that besiege me at my weakest moments. I can’t stop thoughts yet, but I’m learning to replace them. To trust that as I continue to replace them eventually God will erase them to a distant memory that no longer stings. 

There is hope even in the end-of-day fall apart time. God meets me there. He sustains me with His love. He asks me questions that reveal my heart and mind in that moment. His word holds healing truths for me. His willingness to listen to me assuages my loneliness. And when I lean in to listen, He speaks love over me. 

“Weeping may last for a night,

but joy comes in the morning.”

Psalm 30:5

A Safe Place to Let Go

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word. Psalm 119:114

One of my daughters gently opened my door in the middle of the night and said, “Momma, may I sleep in your bed?” I’m a super light sleeper so I instantly woke up, threw back the covers, and welcomed her into my embrace. It’s been a hard year for her and the past week has been particularly so. We have found that in the middle of the night, those thoughts in our heads can get particularly loud and insistent. Sometimes even when you are a teenager, you just need someone to be near you, to be held, to know you are not alone. Sometimes when you are an adult too.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.  Proverbs 18:10

I used to feel sorry for my little ones when they were learning to sleep through the night. There they were all alone and probably a bit scared, and there I was with the comfort of another human beside me. I think that is one of the things I miss most about being married. All those feelings of security, warmth, and love you have when you let your guard completely down and sleep beside the one you’ve chosen to love for life. Oh how I miss that.

But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.  Psalm 59:16

When I have my sleepless nights and thoughts are bouncing around my brain like ping-pong balls in a metal room, I miss having the comfort of scrunching up to that special someone. So, when that happens to my daughters (who are all bigger than me at this point), I welcome the opportunity to offer them some comfort, a refuge from the storm raging in their hearts and minds, and a safe place.

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.  Nahum 1:7

I’ve had my fair share of sleepless nights where my thoughts race and my heart follows suit.  And in those moments, which more often than not, happen in the middle of the night, I’ve found God to be my safe place too. Some days and nights I’m better at letting Him be my refuge and strength than others. But I’m learning and I’m trying to teach my children too as well.

In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.  Proverbs 14:26

One thing God has shown me is the blessing of praying scripture back to God. I’ve been encouraging my children to turn verses into prayers. It’s a step toward peace when chaos seems to be reigning in our hearts and minds. The book of Isaiah has profoundly spoken to me over the years so I decided to speak it back to God as a reminder to me and Him of what He has said about me and to me.  Here is one of my favorite ones:

Scripture Prayer – Isaiah 43:1-4

Father, you say you created and formed me. I don’t need to fear for you have redeemed me. You have called me by name; I am yours. When I pass through waters you will be with me, and when I pass through the rivers they will not sweep over me. When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned and the flames will not touch me. You are the LORD my God, the Holy One, my Savior. You have ransomed me because I am precious and honored in your sight and because you love me. You have redeemed my life. I will not be afraid for you are with me. 

When I speak His scripture over me and my children, it helps. It means I have to take my eyes off of my circumstances and put them on Christ. For someone like me that always feels the need to do something, make something happen, fix things, it seems that “just” speaking scripture over a situation isn’t enough. How could that make a difference? Shouldn’t I have to do something more? 

No, the answer is no  There is power in the Word of God. It changes things. It changes me.

My trust grows and my peace increases. My fears become smaller and my courage strengthens. Things are re-framed. My vision is refocused on Him. My heart and my mind are settled.

When I speak scripture I’m speaking Jesus over my situation. Jesus who is the Word of God, who is peace, who is hope, who is the author and perfecter of my faith. Jesus who is my strength, my Savior, my friend. Jesus who loves me more than anyone. 

He sent out his word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction.  Psalm 107:20

No matter what is going on in life…no matter how many difficult things are happening that discourage, hurt, baffle, and anger us…all the stupid stuff of life…in all of it, God is our refuge. He is our safe place to let go. 

Scripture Prayer – Isaiah 41:10

Father, you say I do not need to be afraid because you are with me. I do not need to be dismayed because you are my God. You will strengthen me and help me. You will uphold me with your righteous right hand. 

It’s All About the Look

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

For the past few nights my girls and I have been watching the 6 hour BBC “Pride and Prejudice”. It’s probably the 83rd time. We looooove it. 

Last night, the episode we were watching was one where Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth look at each other for a prolonged moment over the piano-forte. Let’s just say we rewound it twice to watch and sighed both times. Who doesn’t want to be looked at like Mr. Darcy looks at Elizabeth?  I mean…seriously. 

Almost the very next scene, Mr. Darcy finds Elizabeth visibly upset after having just received dreadful news. He sits her down, leans in to listen, and appears desperate to figure out how to help her. When she bursts into tears, the actor playing Mr. Darcy puts the back of his hand up to his mouth in a gesture of care and frustration. He’s at a loss as to what to do. 

I don’t know why, but I love that little moment. There’s just something about the way Mr. Darcy cares about Elizabeth. Oh to be loved and cared for like that…to have someone almost in anguish at your anguish. At that moment, he shares in her sorrows. How beautiful is that?

We are a house full of females and other than windows pulsating with hormones sometimes, we are also a house of sighs and squeals and laughter. We are a house of women – both young and old – who want to be wooed and loved and protected and found precious. The longing of a woman’s heart…particularly one whose heart has been broken as all of ours have been. 

Questioning whether a broken heart will ever truly heal…if eyes will ever behold you as utterly beautiful and precious…if hands will hold you when you’re hurting and choose to feel your pain with you…if you’ll ever know what it means to be loved tenderly, compassionately, and faithfully.

Those are difficult questioning thoughts and painful to consider at times…being loved without conditions, agendas, deceit, or hurt…what is that like? 

And yet, I do know that ultimately the love of my life (and my daughters’) is Jesus. 

I feel a little bit guilty saying this but I still want to be romanced by a real live godly man…someone who isn’t going to break my dang heart again. Don’t know if that is God’s plan at this point, but oh how I pray for that for my daughters. I so want them to be cherished and loved. 

It’s important that they know who they are in Christ first though. I want them to find their strength, identity, and value in Jesus. No man can be who Jesus can be for them…or me.

I believe that romance is more than a man holding my hand and looking intently into my eyes like Mr. Darcy. The Lord says He will be my Husband. He will romance me in other ways. Not by sitting beside me watching a sunset, but by creating one for me. He doesn’t love me with quiet conversations in the evening but with peace in the middle of the night when thoughts begin to swirl and churn. 

I’m safe in His love. All the ways I have been hurt (and my children too) are things Jesus would never do. He would never bring chaos, because He is my peace. He would never break my heart, because He is perfect love. He would never betray me, because He cannot lie. He would never un-choose me because He made me just as I am. He would never leave me. He simply can’t. And, even if I do all that is ugly and unkind, He never stops loving me. 

There is nothing scary about being loved by God, but being loved by another person can be a whole ‘nother story. I’ve got to be brutally honest and say that trusting another person with your whole self and believing they will be honest and faithful is frightening. And yet…God says that His perfect love should make me fearless. 

Fearless to live in the love He has for me. 

I want to get to the point where no matter what another person says or does, I live unafraid in the love of God. That no matter how tenuous the future seems, I live peaceful in Jesus. That no matter the challenging circumstances of my life, I live boldly, bravely, and unashamedly trusting in Jesus. 

Romance is fun, but being romanced by my Savior is forever. 

Father, this seems a little like one of those things Christians say to make us feel better about being single. Well, actually it is one of those things they say, but, Lord, please help us know You as our True Love. Please help us feel your love in unexpected and beautiful ways like a prolonged stare across a piano-forte. Lord, strengthen us and enable us to be women who are unafraid of the future because we have a Savior who loves us completely. Please romance us in lovely ways we could never have imagined! In Your Dear Name, I pray.

Following the Conductor

/ Sue Birdseye / 5 Comments
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There is a rhythm to life now. Although I’m still a tad awkward, I think I’m getting the hang of it. My life like a musical score with all its high notes and low notes and harmonies and minor clashes and key changes…it’s beautiful in its unpredictability and challenging in its complexity. Still, it is a masterpiece of God’s design, even with the many movements which don’t seem to get easier but flow with a different rhythm and more complicated harmonies.

Things go better when I allow God to sing the lead…it’s difficult not to jump in when it seems like the harmony isn’t exactly what I wanted to do, and the lead seems like a much easier line to take.

It never is though. God makes it sound…. look…. easy. Surely, I can handle this… how hard can it be?

Hard.

It can be hard.

Or, how about…I can let God lead. Oh my, how many times have I heard someone say, “Let God lead you. Follow Him”? Well, let’s just say a lot. And how often in the past ever so many years or maybe the whole measure of my days, have I tried to lead only to stumble and fall when the music takes a turn from the expected…when measure after measure changes into something unrecognizable…I thought for sure I knew where the music was going when the resolution would come, when the key would change to one with fewer sharps and flats.

I was wrong.

Golly, I get tired of being wrong.

I know one thing I’m right about…God is better at leading than I am. He knows where the music is going…there is no warble, no wobble, no missed words, no wonky notes, no flats and sharps where there shouldn’t be…He wrote it after all. He should know it well.

When will I ever be satisfied just following His lead? Letting Him pick the next measure of my life. Allowing Him to conduct while I follow.

All the life music, all about Him, all written by Him, all sung beautifully by Him…that’s what I mean.

Do you know what I mean?

Lately, well, for quite a while, I’ve been trying to be more than just a voice in His music. I’ve wanted to be the soloist, conduct the orchestra, lead the choir, and sometimes even write the music as we go.

The result?

Cacophony might be the best word for it.

Or maybe caterwauling.

It’s a racket, that’s for sure, and not something I recommend adding to any playlist.

I must admit that I’m surrendering to God for the first time in a long time. I am letting Him take control of the melody, harmony, music, orchestration, and choir. He can have it all!

All of it.

In a sense, I’m giving up. The whole shebang. Not in a bad way. I’m not walking away. I’m not giving up any responsibility…just the idea that I can control things and make life better just by sheer effort. Maybe I’ve been putting in a bit more effort apart from God than I thought.

It sure is easy to start singing my own tune without His music in front of me. Skipping measures, avoiding repeats, ignoring diminuendos and decrescendos, moving from one song to the next willy-nilly as I please. God implores me to look at Him to lead me and conduct my life. It could be a masterpiece if I would keep my eyes on Him.

A few years back, I sang a solo in our city’s choral guild performance of “The Messiah.” It was a huge honor, and I was terrified. During the performance, I locked eyes with the conductor and followed her lead without hesitation. I trusted that she cared as much about my performance as I did. She knew the score even better than I did. She knew every instrument that needed to play and when. She knew everything about the musical score that required a response from the musicians and me. And she knew how to do her job to lead us through the music to create a beautiful experience.

I need to lock eyes with God, the conductor of my life. He wrote the score and knows it intimately. There is not a measure He has not prepared me for, not a note He is surprised by, not a pause in the music He doesn’t fill with Himself.

My life’s score has all the notations that I need. Rests when I need to be quiet and refreshed. Crescendos when I need to stand up and be brave. He changes the tempo of my life to match what He knows will bring me closer to Him.

I’m standing expectantly, straightening my back, taking a deep breath, and fixing my eyes on Jesus.

I’m ready to sing the song He has written for me.

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100

Prayer Is…

/ Sue Birdseye / Leave a comment

Prayer has been both my first response and my last resort. 

It has been the thread of sanity through difficult seasons. 

The words that put me back to sleep during a restless night. 

Prayer is the ending of long days

The blessing offered with my children at night. 

The quiet of the morning and the pleas in the middle of the day. 

The silence of trust in all the noise

The breath between sobs and the sighs in laughter. 

Prayer is comfort and confrontation.  

thanksgiving and whys. 

lonely and together. 

worship and worry. 

Prayer is my refuge and my release.

  my lifeline and my lovelife.

my quiet place in a storm.

There is no place prayer can’t be heard…no place prayer isn’t needed.

In my life, there is no place prayer is unwelcome or unwarranted. 

Prayer is my perspective changing. 

My hope revealing

My joy increasing.  

My smile brightening

My failure diminishing

My success beginning

Prayer is my seeking and my finding.

Prayer is my cry for mercy and my eyes opening to goodness.

Prayer is my power play.

Prayer is relief, rest, and release.

My hope for healing and help

Prayer is my holding tight and my letting go

Prayer is being heard

Prayer is provision

Prayer is protection

Prayer is grace

Prayer is faith

Prayer is love

Hopefully

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Advent – Hope

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

How simply beautiful is the phrase “God of hope”. The God who breathes life, speaks creation, and loves unceasingly, intensely, completely, faithfully, and without hesitation is our hope…the Source and the Giver.

I wonder if I even truly grasp the depth of hope’s meaning. I live like hope is just for better days, easier living, peaceful sleep, less stress, and true happiness.

I’m pretty confident that hope is a lot more than simply my circumstances being better or getting better or just ceasing to be difficult. I believe it’s a perspective, a focus on Him, an expectation that Jesus will fill me with all that I need. 

To be filled with joy and peace sounds heavenly, but in order for that to happen I must trust in Him.  

Deep, abiding trust doesn’t come easy for me…at least not anymore. Life has messed with me a bit on that front. But again, my focus seems to be more on my circumstances than on Jesus. Circumstances are sometimes deceivers.

Regardless of what I feel or experience, I need to trust in Him. Lean on Him. Let Him handle it all. Let go of my life and let Him have it. When I say, “I need to trust Him” it’s like me saying “I need to breathe.” It is imperative to my life…to living. It isn’t just some activity or practice that will show my devotion to God or my tremendously awesome Christian walk, it is what I need to live and love and be blessed.

I want to trust God radically. 

I typed radically and thought, “Hmmm…is that the right word?” It didn’t seem to be until I looked up the definition. By radically, I mean “in a thorough or fundamental way; completely”. 

I want to be like Mary who said yes to God even when faced with a daunting call that could have led to the end of her hope to be a wife, estrangement from her family, and even her death. This young girl didn’t shy away from the life God gave her, she answered simply, “I am the Lord’s servant. May your word to me be fulfilled” (Luke 1:38 NIV).

Carrying a baby out of wedlock in that time period should have assured her that she would lose her betrothal to Joseph, her parents would most likely disown her, she would be ostracized by her town, and very likely killed for committing adultery. That is what Mary said yes to…all those potential outcomes. And yet, she trusted God when it seemed like a crazy, dangerous, and scary thing to ask of her.

She didn’t ask for time to think about it. She didn’t run to seek counsel. She didn’t recognize the potential difficulties and ask for things to be a little bit different. She went full board into the fray and accepted God’s calling for her. 

I like to think of myself as a problem-solver…or a potential problem-solver. I have ideas and plans. I desperately want to make things better, easier, and happier. Very rarely, if ever, do I truly solve anything. I wish I would learn to release my grip on things and hand it over to the Lord. Trust Him enough to let go. This morning I had the epiphany that I can talk with God about trust. 

“Lord, what do you want me to do today to show that I trust you? What step can I take today to strengthen my walk of trusting You rather than myself?” 

That verse says that the result of trusting Him is joy and peace and hope. If I do that life will no longer be my doing, my failing, my frustrations, or my plans…it will be trusting God and resting in the knowledge that He can handle it and definitely is a better problem-solver than me.

There will be joy if I can get it through my thick skull that God only ever and always does the very best thing, makes the very best plans, leads on the very best paths, opens the very best doors, and brings the very best into my life. If my perspective could change to be more like Mary’s…” I have heard what you have said. I want it to happen to me just like that” (EEB) there will be joy in my life

Releasing my grip on my life…all of it…even the things I think and feel and want and hope for…and letting God take it. And keep it. Do what He will with it…that is trust. 

Woman, just trust, please!

I want to overflow with hope – not just have it, but have it spill out of me. Imagine what a blessing to those around me…particularly my children. 

The Holy Spirit will enable my willing heart to overflow with hope and my life to be filled with joy and peace. 

He will give me hope because He has given me Himself and He is my hope. 

In my head, I have absolutely no doubt that God is completely trustworthy. But sometimes I live like He isn’t. I have this ridiculous continuous habit of attempting to handle it all, take care of things, make things better, and, maybe, also believing if I don’t do it then no one else will, including God. 

And just look where that has gotten me… stressed out, confused, frustrated, emotional, and a little hopeless at times.

Letting God take control of things, listening to Him, seeking His divine intervention rather than my disastrous attempts to fix things, and believing that no matter what I can follow Him and trust that He is able and willing and loving and kind.

Like Mary, I want to humbly release control of my future to God and trust His calling no matter the path it takes.

Advent – A Long Line

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

When I first began reading the Christmas story, I’d always start at Matthew 1:18,  “This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about”.  A few years ago, I decided to read the genealogy of Jesus recorded in Matthew 1: 1-17, and I was beautifully reminded how gracious, merciful, and loving God is to us. How thoughtful and compassionate. How overwhelmingly sweet. How grateful I am that God stopped my skipping and put a spotlight on the people on that list.

I find kindred spirits in that genealogy…people who were weak, disobedient, and chose to turn their back on their faithful Father.  God put broken people in the line of Christ so that we could understand that no matter our failings, God doesn’t kick us out of the family.

See, I have voices that wander around in my brain that tell me I’m not enough, I’m a failure, I’m weak, I’m a mess, I’m unworthy, I’m not lovable. I’m not capable, wise, or discerning. I’m only worthy of scraps from the table rather than sitting at the banquet. 

These are definitely not from my Father. These are thoughts to take captive. Bind up and toss away. They are awful untruths that do not define me. They only fill me with fear and give me a hopeless perspective that no child of the King should have.

Throughout the years, I’ve made lists and even written about who we are in Christ…who I am and Whose I am. I think I could jot down a fair number off the top of my head. Sometimes I wonder if I just think that those descriptors are only true of the Believers who live lives that are not fraught with missteps and mistakes. But then I look at the lineage of Jesus, full of sinners and scoundrels – just ordinary people like us – and I am reminded that God finds us all valuable and worthy, that God’s love is not just for the successful, seemingly sinless people. He loved us so much that He gave Jesus a record of ancestors that we can all relate to pretty perfectly because they are imperfect just like us. 

Here are just a few to consider….

Judah was Joseph’s brother. Joseph had a story of tragedy and redemption that is awe-inspiring, but his brother Judah is in the line of the Redeemer. Judah, who sold his brother into slavery, allowed his father to believe his beloved son Joseph was dead, and slept with a prostitute who turned out to be his widowed daughter-in-law (yuck) (Genesis 37-38).  

Her name is not listed in Matthew, but Judah’s mom was Leah, the one less beautiful than her sister Rachel, the one whose husband was tricked into marrying her, the one whose husband preferred her sister more, the one who knew loneliness and hurt (Genesis 29).

Rahab was a prostitute in the city of Jericho. She hid the Israelite spies, helped them escape, and saved her entire family by trusting in the Lord (Joshua 2-6). Her son, Boaz, married Ruth, a widowed Moabite who had followed her Israelite mother-in-law, Naomi, back to Israel. Moabites were pagans who did not worship God, but Ruth did. Her son was King David’s great-grandfather, Obed.

David was a “man after God’s own heart” and a hot mess. An adulterer, murderer, and father who did not protect or defend his daughter, Tamar, when her half-brother Amnon raped her. His children struggled and his family fell apart because although he loved the Lord, he did not always follow Him well. 

King David’s son, Solomon, was the product of his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba. Although she is referred to as Uriah’s wife in Jesus’ lineage, not David’s wife. Uriah deserves to be mentioned – he had been one of David’s Mighty Men whose loyalty to both David and his men was admirable. David committed adultery with Uriah’s wife, had him killed, and then took his wife as his own. Solomon struggled with lust and the number of women in his life was astonishing!

And, maybe the most poignant for me, are all the people I don’t know anything about…all the “nobodies” who are somebody because God loved them fiercely, completely, and put them in the lineage of Jesus. We are those somebodies because God chose us. All our hang-ups and hurts, all our bruises and brokenness, all our insufficiencies and insecurities, all our off-base thinking and off-hand comments, all our actions, and reactions made in haste without thought, all our trips into temptations and swings into sin…none of those keep God from loving us, using us, and making us His own. 

If we could only grasp the depth of God’s love for us. If we could only understand how deeply, passionately, and completely we are loved. God’s love is never unfaithful, never hurtful, never condemning, never wrong. He doesn’t love us in spite of who we are…He loves us as we are…His precious children. His dear ones. The apples of His eye. Chosen by Him for Him. He sacrificed Himself to take on the penalty of our sin. Thank you, Lord! But, He also was born and lived and died for us because He wants us to be His…to know His love, His presence, His peace, His hope, His joy. He wants us to know Him and by knowing Him, love Him.

And now, we are His children! In His family just like all those amazingly imperfect people in that geneology of Jesus.

What wondrous love is this!

He doesn’t love us in spite of who we are…He loves us as we are…His precious children.
His dear ones. The apples of His eye. Chosen by Him for Him.