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In the Middle of the Night

FullSizeRender (7)It is the middle of the night and I’m awake.  Wide awake.

Yesterday I stayed home from work because I’ve been fighting a wicked cold or flu thing and I slept most of the day.  I was actually thinking I might be well-rested for the next day.

No such luck.

Part of the problem is my house got quite warm and I just don’t sleep in warmth.

Secondly, I’m anxious.

…do not be anxious about anything…

Everytime I say the word anxious, those words pop into my head.

And yet, I’m having difficulty letting go of my fear.

It’s this storm coming.

It’s feeling unprepared.

It’s the fact that I delayed something I shouldn’t have.  Been on my to-do list for 3 months.  Since I bought this house.

And I haven’t done it…just kept moving it to the next day.

For three months.

So many things are like that for me…there is just so much to do.  What other really important things have I missed, forgotten, or put too far down the list?

I’m watching the rain drizzle right now, and fearing the deluge that is predicted.

I keep praying…placing my fear in God’s hands…and then picking it back up again…then repeating the process until I can’t sleep.

I have thought about walking around my home praying.  I began my walk and then decided that I want to write some verses down and place them around my house.  I’ve wanted to do that for a while as well.

Why did I buy a house close to water?

Water and me…well, we have a history.  Wet basement over and over again. Wet yard…rivers running through it over and over again. Wet. Wet. Wet.

Even my kids have joked that we will just have to accept that we are destined to own a water park at some point in our lives…I’m just hoping it isn’t my first floor.

…but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God…

I am praying…now I need to start thanking.

I am so very thankful for this wonderful house.  So thankful for the dreamy yard.  So thankful for the beautiful wood floors.  So thankful for the bedrooms for children.  So thankful for a washer and dryer that work.  So thankful for air conditioning.  So thankful for my relaxing backporch.  So thankful for kind neighbors.  So thankful for my little kitchen.  So thankful for a place to live.

Oh but even as I pray and know know know that I can trust my God who gave this all to me…I’m fearful.

I know it is because sometimes things still go horribly awry.  Sometimes prayers aren’t answered the way I hoped…the way that seemed best.

What if…?

How often have I uttered that phrase, if not aloud at least in my head…and even my heart?

Too many times.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

Deep breath.

Peace…peace I can’t even understand.

Seems illusive at the moment.

I feel desperate for it.  I can almost taste it, but…why am I struggling?

God says present my request with thanksgiving…let God know what I’m feeling, thinking, worrying about, thanking Him for…and the peace will come.

It doesn’t seem like I have to do anything but give it to Him…and not be anxious.

Is it in the process of praying that the peace comes?  Do I just pray until it pours over me like syrup?  Soft and smooth…stick-to-me peace?

Do I make myself not anxious?

I don’t think so, because if I could I wouldn’t need to pray and it would be my own peace not His.

So…how do I give up this little bit of panic that is clawing at my chest?

Back to my knees…Lord, how do I have peace?

I’m desperate for a few more minute of sleep, but I want to feel that peace that surpasses all understanding…for both my heart and my mind.

Right now it feels like my mind needs it most.

It’s whirling and I’m weary.

How do I grasp it God?

And again…I’m reminded.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances;

 for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18


Father, for me right now, it is the fear of losing my home in a storm.  This precious home you have given to me and my children.  This lovely home that I long to grow old in with people I love nearby.  This dear place you provided my little family with…this house.  Lord, you know me…you know my fears and my anxious thoughts.  And you know that sometimes I worry about dumb stuff, but Lord this feels huge.  This house, in the 3 months we have been here, has had some little hiccups…and even those have felt discouraging to me.  Oh Father, I’m so afraid.  I’m so afraid of losing more.  This past week you have revealed to me that I have an idol of control in my life.  This is definitely not something I can control…at all.  I can’t even begin to control the weather or the water or even the insurance company, but Lord I can trust You.  I know I can.  So why am I so afraid?  I think I know why.  It is because I know sometimes you use difficult things to bring us closer to you…and I do want to be closer to you Lord.  I’m just so afraid of more difficult things.  More struggles.  More heartache.  Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.  I believe you are good.  I believe you love me.  I believe you have a plan.  I believe you will provide.  I believe I can trust you.  I believe you know me and know what is best.  There is not one thing that happens in my life that has not first gone through your hands.  Lord, I trust that your hands hold only good for me and my children.  Lord, I have to grab hold of your peace and say, “your will be done” and rest in that.  Lord, I know you are good and wise and loving and faithful and kind.   Lord, practically speaking, could you allow me to get flood insurance tomorrow?  Please.  If I do, I know it is all you.  If I don’t, I know that it is your plan that I trust you without it.  Either way, I trust that you are working.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

P.S.  I have no insurance until the end of the month, BUT I have peace.  I’ll take that peace any day!  God is so good.  I didn’t believe I could feel peace about all this, but I do.  And that, my dear friends, is totally a Holy Spirit thing!  God is so gracious to me.  I laid it before Him, left it there, and He gave me peace in return!  I’m so thankful!  More than I can say.

Storm is coming, but it’s okay.

A dear friend sent me a passage this morning that TOTALLY blessed me:

Psalm 107:28-32

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.  He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed.  Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven.  Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man!  Let them extol him in the congregation of the people, and praise him in the assembly of the elders. 

God is good all the time…with floods and no floods.  All the time God is good!

Love, Rest, and Sickness…In No Particular Order

IMG_2900Today is my first sick day for me in a few years.

I’ve done sick days for children and sick days for parents, but not for me.

I slept a lot and sat a lot…well, actually I was more lying down a lot.

And all the stillness…it was glorious.

I haven’t been still for….for forever.

Even this past Saturday when this whole illness thing began, I couldn’t seem to sit still except for a few minutes to regain some strength before I began another task.

I knew I should rest…had I rested I probably wouldn’t be lying here right now.  Who knows?

My room is a tad messy…actually my house is tad messy.  And my nightstand is littered with tissues, tea cups, glasses of water, an ibuprofen bottle, cold medicine bottles, and the usual pens, journals, and piles of books.

That’s quite an impressive list considering it isn’t that big a nightstand!

Although it was supposed to be a rainy day, the sun is shining through the clouds and into my bedroom.  I love it.

My classroom has no windows and I miss the sky so much during the day.

This is a beautiful treat.

I just wish I had some energy.

This is a weird sick for me.  Usually I can push through and still accomplish things…not happily or quickly, but nonetheless I’m still checking things off the list.

This thing…ugh.  This one has hit me like a truck…loaded with bricks…and maybe a few cinderblocks.

I guess it isn’t a shock.  I’ve been going at warp speed for so long – fuel is bound to run out at some point.

I keep thinking tomorrow I’ll feel better.  Tomorrow is the day when my head clears and my energy starts returning.

Yeah nope.

So what is God’s plan for me right now?  This day?

I’m always wondering that.

God, what do you want me to do right here?

Other than sleep.

Which I am happy to do by the way.

But I have only a few more minutes before my little minions arrive and all the quiet is gone and the activity begins whether I want it to or not.

I guess…maybe this is the opportunity I’ve wanted… to just be still with my people.

As much as I plan on that, I don’t ever EVER make the time for it.

I’ll sit down for like 5 minutes but then I’m jumping back up again for something…goodness knows what!

Today, I got nothing to jump up for.  In fact, I think I might just request a meal delivery and sit on the sofa with my littles.

Oh…I say that but it is going to be difficult.

Why is it so very difficult to rest?  Why is it so difficult to be still?

I think I have an issue with control.

I want things to be orderly, organized, peaceful, and controlled…by me.

Those are the words that trip me up …. By me

I’m pretty sure those aren’t the words I’m supposed to be relying on.

I just want things to be beautiful for us…you know?

Why can’t I just get things beautiful…for more than a few minutes?

I’m reading a book about idols in our lives…ugh.  I really like it, but ugh.

I mean I like that I feel like it is dealing with some serious stuff that I need to face…but ugh…the serious stuff is idols.

I hate idols.

One of mine is control.  A sweet young lady was sharing with me about how God has revealed her idols of comfort and control and I thought, “This woman is awesome!  I’m like 40-something 😊 and I’m still trying to figure out what makes me tick and tock and fall.”

I prayed fervently before my phone call with this dear one that I’d be an encouragement to her…and God turned it around and had her encourage me.

Not in the way that I imagined.  It’s never awesome to have idols revealed…but actually maybe it is…

It is why I’m reading this book.  To figure out what in the world I’m worshiping in my life other than God.

To figure out why I struggle with what I struggle with…you know?

And God in his infinite kindness has confirmed what he has been revealing slowly to me….I want comfort and I want control.

I want the comfort of others, the comfort of a peaceful, orderly space, and the comfort of knowing I have control of it all.

And unfortunately I can be a mean, grumpy sinner in the process of pursing those idols.

I can also occasionally despair of ever overcoming.

One of my dearest friends wants to discuss the difference between victory and obedience.

I do understand that I’m called to a life of obedience, but I really do want victory…just saying.

I’m tired of the struggles.  I want to move on already.

Then there is a little part of me that wonders if the next thing I struggle with will be worse and I get all freaked out…I’m a mess.

Do I believe God is good or not?  I keep having to ask myself that when I get those crazy thoughts.

I do believe He is good.  And I do believe that He calls me to obedience.

He also calls me to repentance and rest.

I love this verse.

In returning and rest you shall be saved,

in quietness and in trust shall be your strength. 

Isaiah 30:15





Returning…have I gone away and need to come back?  Yes.  Daily.

Daily I turn to my own thing, my own issues, my own solutions, and my own stress.

I’m the little girl who packed up her bags and stomped out the door ready to run away from papa and find a better life, only to see the darkness coming and the shadows lengthening.   I’m that same little girl hightailing it home to the welcoming arms of my loving father.

I’ve been the parent in that scenario…I’ve watched one of my sweet little babies pack a backpack and head out into the night – only to make it to the bottom of the driveway before running back home.   And how I longed for that embrace even though it was such a short trip down the driveway.

God longs for us to return to his embrace and rest there.  Rest in the arms of our Father.   It is quiet there.  We can trust His care.

Oh how I need that visual right now.  What a blessed reminder to me of the safety of His care.

Especially as I lie here feeling very weak, tired, and sick.

In each day, God has a plan.  It might be a plan for great productivity.  It might be a plan for rest.  It might be a plan just to be where He has me without complaint or concern or control.

My prayer is that wherever God has me, I’m resting in the knowledge that He loves me.

He loves me.


Sometimes that just hits me.  I say it a lot, but sometimes….sometimes it rocks my world.

It just did as I typed that.

He loves ME.

Me…with all my flaws, failures, faithlessness, frustrations, and fears.

Me…with all my control, complaints, crisis, and cares.

Me…just me.

No matter what…no matter where I am…no matter what I’m doing or not doing…no matter how I feel…no matter what I accomplish or don’t accomplish…no matter my successes or my failures…no matter how I love him back.

He loves me.

Thank you God…I needed that.

I need that.

I need to understand that deeper than I have in a long while.

How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure

that He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure.”

(Stuart Townend)

A Deep Breath

IMG_2803There is a place I find myself…sometimes…it is no longer a place of deep grief, but of deep sighing.

A place where I find myself needing  the strengthing of a deep breath, the focus of a whispered prayer, and the hope of an all-powerful God.

In the past, this place has been about me…about my very own pain and sorrow.

But now I find it mostly about others…dear ones.

I am having difficulty taking that deep breath at the moment because I can’t bear the thoughts that keep crowding in.

I’m overwhelmed by fears and hurt for another.

So instead of steadying deep breaths, I’m whispering my prayers with short breaths of hope, pleas for peace, and requests for grace.

I’m trusting that regardless of what I can see before me…the issues of this life, the pain of another, the loss of things that weren’t supposed to be lost…I’m trusting that God sees more.  God sees beyond me.

He sees what He can do to redeem, restore, and reconcile.  He sees what He can do to love another whole.

My prayers are not about whys or whens.  They are about Who.

Who holds all the broken together in infinite, lavish love.

Who brings life out of death.

Who speaks truth into lies.

Who binds up the brokenhearted.

Who restores the lost.

Who redeems the bound.

Who heals the sick.

Who loves the unlovely.

Who forgives the fallen.

Who comforts the heartbroken.

Who is faithful to the faithless.

Who is my Father…my Savior…my Comforter.

I have found these prayers to the One Who Is…the One Who Listens…the One Who Loves…these prayers surround me like the comfort of a soft blanket gently layed on my shoulders.

I have felt hope wash over my hopelessness with a few well-spoken words of a friend.

“Overwhelming for us but not our Lord.”

I have felt peace as I emotionally, spiritually, and mentally hand over my burden to Him.

I have felt strength as I turn to His word…as I find truth and hope and healing in the letters and words and sentences of my God’s love letter to me.

Today I have hope even as last night I went to bed with tears in my eyes for one I love deeply who is struggling.  And one I love deeply who is lost to me.  And one I love deeply who is hurting.  And all the ones I love deeply who are going through things I can’t fix.

But this morning, even though my head is slightly foggy with sickness, and my eyes are rough with dried tears, and my body is weary…I feel hopeful.

I feel the power of my God…the strength of His hand…in the prayers I and others have prayed.

I feel peace and even great expectation of what He will do in these lives.

I feel great expectation of what He will do in my life.

My chest has finally risen with a deep breath of joy in the hope and strength of my Lord.

The Before…and After

IMG_2778God has brought me far.

Some may think I need to be farther along on this path of healing and hoping and growing.

But I believe I am.

I’m much farther along than I was before my life changed quickly and irrevocably.

I’m much farther along than the days before…

Before  …            after

So much is measured by those words.



It’s the “…” that shook me to the core, but it’s the words that sometimes seem to define me.

It’s okay I think.

To be here…in the after place still pondering the before at times.

It’s okay to not think a whole lot about the “…” at this point.

That has been done and dealt with and forgiven and it is now in the healing stages.

But now I’m looking at the me before and the me after.

And, although there is so very much I would change about me, there are some ways that God has done beautiful things in me and in my life.

This morning God brought it to mind in a rather odd way.

Last night I hit my head so hard and caused such damage a woman near me actually yelled out…it made me laugh in my pain.  It was one of those head wounds that swells to the size of a golf ball immediately and pours blood all over the place.  It was quite dramatic…I mean if you are gonna do something, do it well, right?


It made for completely changed evening plans as I decided to sit still on the sofa…me and my throbbing head.

But God was so gracious and I had a wonderful conversation with my oldest daughter into the wee hours of the morning.  Totally worth the lost sleep.

What I didn’t know was that my silly old lab would need me in the middle of the night and my littlest girls would each have bad dreams, and every time I rolled over my head would feel like I was rolling on a cinderblock rather than a pillow.

Not a restful night at all, but amazingly I feel okay this morning.  God is gracious.

Right after I turned off my alarm, I saw that I had a comment on my blog.  I hit the button and read it.


Double ouch.

I have often felt compelled to accept those difficult comments…put them up and try to respond graciously.

But today I don’t know if I want to…not because I’m angry or hurt, but because I don’t believe it is edifying to anyone or helpful or even kind.

It did bring to mind something God has been doing in my life over the past several years though.  Even something that He has revealed to me recently.

This comment was about comparison and name-calling…or maybe I should say “negative categorizing.”

I haven’t had a problem with calling others names, but oh have I had a problem with comparison.

Both comparisons that make me feel worse and comparisons that make me feel better…at least for a bit.

Recently I heard someone say that he was going to be out of town for the weekend and his wife was going to be a single parent for the weekend.

I instantly wanted to say, “Really?”


Single parenting is more than just not having another parent around for the day…it is a thousand decisions, actions, reactions, activities, and sleepless nights. It is more than just having to deal with children alone…it is doing it ALL alone.

And then I had to stop and think.

(Something I should really do a lot more.)

So what?  So what if this dear husband wanted to say that about his sweet wife?  That was wonderful that he recognized it was going to be a challenging weekend for her…and I’m sure it was.

Does my struggle lessen her struggle in any way?


God has continually reminded me over the last several years…ironically during the most difficult part of my life…that other people’s struggles are no less valid just because they don’t seem THAT bad to me.

Sometimes I can even own my suffering and struggles a little too much for my own good. They become my defining feature…

Does that even make sense?

There have been times in a Bible study when I have listened to prayer requests from others and wanted to say, “Really, that’s all you got?!?!”


What would possess me to be so judgmental?  So prideful?  So unkind?

I honestly don’t know apart from the obvious…sin.

And that is what God has been dealing with in my life.  The sin of comparison – which is probably the sin of pride or discontent or both.

I can look at other women and think, “Gosh, I’m such a mess. Why can’t I have it all together like them?” or “Why do they get it so “easy”?”

Or I can look at another woman and think, “You think THAT is challenging…let me share challenging.”

I cringe to even typing those words, because I know that we all struggle in different ways and for different causes.  Life is challenging for all of us.

I will say it again…just because I find my life challenging doesn’t mean that your life isn’t.  And just because my situation doesn’t look challenging to you, doesn’t mean it isn’t challenging to me.

And you know what?  No matter where we are in life, someone has it worse off.  We pretty much just need to turn on the news and see that fact.

I guess where I’m going with all this is that there really isn’t any place for us to start comparing, condemning, and criticizing each other.  There just isn’t.

Here is what we are called to do for one another:

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.  1 Corinthians 7:17

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.  Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:13

…let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.  So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.  Galatians 6:9-10

…walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving on another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.  And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singling psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.  And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:12-17


Let’s be gracious and kind to one another…let’s not devour each other over the perception of the good or bad in someone else’s life.

Really when it comes down to it…the focus of our lives should be thankfulness…because the focus of our lives should be the Gospel.

When I have the perspective of grace I cannot be dragged down by comparisons, either ones others make or the ones I make.

But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.  For he himself is our peace…Ephesians 2:13-14

I believe I’m still growing…still learning how to be the woman God has created me to be…still measuring my life, to some extent, by the before and after…but I’m learning how to be more graceful.

I’m offering grace to me more.  And offering grace to others more.  At least I’m trying to – not always easy.

God has called us to it, so let’s do it.

Let’s love one another.

Let’s cheer for one another.

Let’s encourage one another.

Let’s be glad for one another.

Let’s weep with one another.

Let’s laugh with one another.

Let’s help one another.

Let’s be about grace to one another!

Trusting Him with Them

FullSizeRender (5)

I’m sitting outside on my back porch with my laptop, my Bible, and 3000 MOSQUITOES!!!!

It is so beautiful out here – cool breeze, sunny, and quiet!  I love it.

But I HATE these mosquitoes!  They have even bitten my hands!  It is very difficult to scratch my fingers and type.

My 14 year old son (see boogie boarding pic) is trying to set Axe cologne on fire.  I believe his plan is to make some kind of flame thrower…I know. I know…I should probably stop him, but he is careful and so far it isn’t working.  The only result is that Axe cologne is all that I can smell…and it is masking all the bug spray I just put on.

He is so funny…I love boys.  He does the craziest, funniest things.  Yesterday he sent me a video of himself doing a flip off a slide at the playground.  It was actually a great flip.  He is always asking if he can do a flip off of the weirdest things.  99% of the time I must say an emphatic, “NO!” simply because I value his life…a lot!

I’m trying to let him be a boy in a house full of girls.  His only male companion is our old lab, Titus, whose only activity is non-activity.

Peter lives for the weekends when his older brother comes home from college.  They lock themselves in their man cave and play games, listen to music, and whatever else boys do…I shutter to think LOL!

Being a single mom to a boy is so so hard.  I get so much conflicting advice.  Things that a father could do or should do, according to some I shouldn’t do.  Things that a mother is inclined to do, I should avoid doing.  Things that I see as reasonable responses are apparently too feminine and he needs more masculine responses modeled.

Unfortunately, I’m most definitely a female, feminine woman.  I’m in no way naturally inclined to act like a man.  In fact, I’m baffled by so much of it.

But I’m trying.

I’m trying to let him be a young man with an adventurous, slightly dangerous side.  I’m trying to let him face his challenges without too much input from nurturing mama.  I’m trying to let him grow up into a godly man.

Oh I am trying.

It’s so difficult to act like a man…to model man behavior.

Unfortunately, as much as I have prayed for someone to step into his life and be the father-figure he needs, God has not provided that.  Men have taken him to movies, hunting and fishing, and sporting events – and those are GREAT things for which I’m very thankful, but they are not exactly what I’m talking about.

I’ve been praying for someone who will walk beside him…someone who will answer the questions, talk through the difficulties, counsel, encourage, and disciple.  Someone willing to challenge him to go against the natural tendencies and strive for holiness.

All the male bonding in the world cannot replace the bonding of a father and son…especially the bonding of a godly father raising a young man in the nurture and admonish of the Lord.

I have been praying for that.  And that…that is a lot to ask of a man.  A lot to ask of man who is not a father – biological, adoptive, foster, or step.

Honestly, how can a man do that without daily interaction?  How can a man do that without being committed to it as a God-given role and calling?

I can’t imagine being someone else’s mother-figure…well, I guess I can.  I have about 80 11-year olds I’m kinda a mother figure to but I am with them almost every day and I do know a fair amount about their world.

AND, I’m a girl.  I’m a nature nurturer…I’m a natural relationship person.  Bring on the conversation!  Bring on the Bible study!  Bring on the heart to heart!  Bring it.

So what to do?

This single mama needs perspective and peace about her young man.

My oldest son was already a teenager when his dad left.  He struggled and I prayed.  I also prayed for someone to step into his world and help him with his struggles.  I wanted and thought that looked like a father-figure, but God provided encouragement and accountability in a young man serving as a youth leader in our church and a young man who was a family friend.  I almost missed it because I was looking so hard for an older man to step into his world.

Maybe I need to think outside of the box?  Maybe I need to keep my eyes open and see what God provides!  And maybe I need to keep praying and hoping.

What in the world am I saying maybe for? I need to do those things.



Keep my eyes open.

Think outside of the box.

Those aren’t exactly what I was looking for, really.

I sort of just want to be able to write a thank you note to someone for stepping in and blessing my son.

God works more mysteriously than that.  He has other plans that are bigger than mine, more far-reaching and more effective.

Even if I can’t see the effectiveness…and I’m quite certain my idea is the best.

Good gravy!  How prideful and silly I can be!

God knows best.

God knows my son best.

God loves my son.

Shockingly more than I do…which is not even fathomable.

He isn’t going to let me or my son down on this.

He will provide in His way and His time.

(Drat…that phrase is frustrating…)

I want it NOW.  I need HELP!

Again, God is asking me to trust when I want to fix.  To wait when I want to do.  To pray when I want to pace.

Lord, we, single parent, need you to step in and be all that our children need.  We feel so inadequate and tired and overwhelmed sometimes.  It is hard to be both parents…it’s hard enough just being a parent.  Lord, will you help us?  Will you give us your peace and your strength and your wisdom and your discernment?  Will you open our eyes to the ways that you are working in our children’s lives so we can be encouraged?  Will you help us as we trust you with our children?  Thank you Lord because I know that you will indeed answer our prayers perfectly…in your way and your time…and that is the best way and time.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.

In the Moment

IMG_2636It was one of those loooong work days. Ten and a half hours to be exact.  I was bone weary tired.

So when my little ones were dropped off at my school, I decided it sounded like a Chick Fila kinda day.

There was no argument from my littles.  It’s the favorite restaurant….they know us there.  Ally even has inside jokes with the manager…we bring the party…always have, always will.

Anyway…when we walked in I noticed a lady sitting at a booth.   She had her head in her hands and I instantly wanted to reach over and comfort her.  I wanted to put my hand on her shoulder and say, “I understand.”

Because I do.

I’ve been there.  It doesn’t matter the place…those head-in-the-hands moments happen regardless of location.

Those moments are better than the weep-curled-in-a-ball moments.

So much better.

This past weekend I experienced both as I struggled with realizations of some things my children were dealing with and how much I want to change situations for them.  I found myself wishing that things were oh so very different yet again.

One of my children spent the day with me…leaning heavily on me…physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  This child needed more than words…this child needed me to listen, pray, and just simply be there.

Oh how I have needed that too.  That has been one of the most difficult parts of this move…not having my closest friends here.  Not having friends that understand sometimes I need a shoulder and sometimes I need a kick in the butt and sometimes I just need a babysitter.

I miss them.

I miss the hands on my shoulder, the kind words, the comforting prayers, the encouragement, admonitions, accountability, and understanding.  I miss having someone to hang out with…I miss it a lot.

As I glanced at this woman and her little boys and the empty ring finger…I thought maybe she is a weary single parent like me.  Or maybe she just took it off to do the dishes and she’s exhausted from a day of chores.  I’ve been at that point too… :)

Whatever her story…it reminded me of the way we really need each other.  Not just for a coffee date or a phone conversation, but for the real life stuff.  The days when my head is in my hands more than anywhere else…the days when I have things to celebrate and the days when I have things to commiserate.

I was made for fellowship.  I was made for more than work and chores and stuff to do…I was made for fellowship with my Father and fellowship with my spiritual siblings.

I have discovered, not surprisingly, that there is a direct correlation between my peace, my perspective, and my level of fellowship with my Father.

The more time I spend with Him, the more I long to spend time with Him.

The more time I spend with Him, the more like Him I become.

Maybe that’s why the past year or so has been such a fretful, difficult, overwhelming kind of year?

I have lived in triage mode and neglected to go to the Medic that can really help me.

I’ve looked everywhere for healing from all my difficult moments…and I’ve looked for comfort and strength and peace in the things I can find myself.



Sometimes I don’t understand myself.

Actually, a lot of times I don’t understand myself.

I’m so very much like Paul…doing what I don’t want to do and not doing what I want to do…over and over and over again.

And where has it gotten me?


Insecure.  Fearful.  Scared.  And, sometimes, angry.

I don’t like that me.

This morning I was looking for a verse to share with a friend who is struggling and I remembered Isaiah 54:11-17:

“O afflicted one, storm-tossed and not comforted, behold, I will set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations with sapphires.  I will make your pinnacles of agate, your gates of carbuncles, and all your walls of precious stones.  All your children shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children.  In righteousness you shall be established; you shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; and from terror, for it shall not come near you.  If anyone stirs up strife, it is not from me; whoever stirs up strife with you shall fall because of you.  Behold I have created the smith who blows the fire of coals and produces a weapon for its purpose.  I have also created the ravager to destroy; no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.  This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their vindication from me, declares the LORD.

When I read “O afflicted one, storm-tossed, and not comforted” I feel comforted.  Is that weird or what?  It is like someone – like the Someone saying, “Dear one, I know…I know how you are feeling and what you are going through.”

God knows just what I need to hear.  And then He follows it up with additional blessings.

He tells me the beautiful ways that He is going to work in my life.  Beautiful.  Even though I’m going to have to look up antimony, agate and carbuncles…it doesn’t sound like it but they are beautiful gems and minerals.

My NIV version uses the terms turquoise, lapis lazuli, and sparkling jewels.

The pictures are pretty.

I think being rebuilt into something beautiful would be wonderful.

What is my beauty going to look like?

Is it going to be the beauty of a woman whose face is raised to her Lord….confident, unafraid, and secure in the love of her Abba Father?

Is it going to be the beauty of a woman who finds her strength in Him?

Is it going to be the beauty of a woman who seeks His will above her own?

Is it going to be the beauty of a woman who finds all she needs in Him?

There are seasons when it is reasonable to place our head in our hands and weep.  There are weary season…there just are.

There are seasons when it is understandable to be curled in a ball in the corner of the closet.  There are seasons of sorrow.

It’s okay.  He is in those moments too.  He never leaves us or forsakes us.

When we find ourselves turned from Him…when we have sought solace, strength, and anything else we think we need from a source other than the One that truly can give us all we need…He never looks away from us.

I have to shake my head at the thought…how is that possible?

I know me…I know me in good and bad times…and very rarely am I the woman I want to be for Him.  And yet He loves me still.


I wish I had been brave enough to share with that woman the hope I have found in Christ.

I could have given her a hug, but that would not have made a lasting difference.  Momentary comfort. I could offer so much more.

All that I have found to be true of my Father.

He meets me continually where I am…whether it’s a wonderful or a woeful place.

He pours love on me lavishly when I least deserve it.

He comforts me with His presence and peace.

He provides for me…above and beyond.

He is with me…always.

And you know what is a great comfort right now?  It doesn’t really matter what moment I’m in…He is with me.

Thank you Lord.

“Though the mountain be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.  Isaiah 54:10

Spilling Guilt

pool pictureI’m sitting at the pool feeling guilty because I’m not in the pool playing with my daughters, but we can only stay a few minutes before I have to leave to take my son to a school function.  I have spent the majority of my summer in the car and I’m sooooo tired of driving.  I went to bed late and woke up early and I’m tired tired tired.  And I want to rest so very badly but for the life of me (which it actually feels like…I need to sleep to save the life of me) I can’t figure out how to get more than a few hours.

But as I grumpily drove my sweet girls (well kinda sweet girls) to the pool, I realized that I’m forcing my family to live in a state of constant guilt simply because I feel such huge guilt.

I’m tired and overwhelmed (hate that word) and ready to throw my hands up in the air in defeat.  I can’t do it all.  In fact, at the moment, I don’t want to do it all.  I don’t even want to do half of it.

But I want to do whatever I need to do to bless and love and encourage and raise my children well.

I think I have equated that too much with what I do with and for them.  Having 5 kids is a little bit much when it comes to doing things with each of them every day.  The other night my oldest daughter came in to talk at 11:45pm and my middle daughter woke me up at 5am with a tummy ache and my youngest son checked on me at 7am because we needed to leave for soccer at 7:30am.  That’s just the time supposed to be spent sleeping!  The day is full to overflowing with things and people and errands and such…too much stuff.

Enough complaining!

(YOU:  OK Sue, you’re tired, overwhelmed, and too busy.  We got it.)

Driving here I thought about how I’ve done nothing but moan, grown and guilt trip myself and my kids about the circumstances of each day.

My little girls LOVE the pool and I love to take them.  Today though, I just wanted to sit down for a minute with my eyes closed before I made another drive to school.  But I told them I’d take them and I should have happily.  If not happily, at least without making them feel badly about it.

I was already feeling horrible about acting grumpy and fussy (spilling my guilt) when my daughter said, “Momma, I’m sorry for whatever I did that’s making you so unhappy.”


I want to spend time with my children so they feel loved and instead I’m spending time with them and making them feel guilty.

That does not make any sense at all.

I hear people say that we have to take care of ourselves so we can take care of our children…I get it but what does that look like when you live in triage mode ALL. THE. TIME.

I want so badly to do this parenting thing well, but after 6 years of single parenting I’m still baffled by some of the struggles.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders lately.  I feel like I can’t possibly do it all and yet God has placed me here so it must be possible.

With man it is impossible, but not with God.  For all things are possible with God. Mark 10:27

With God.

I used to have a magnet that said, “God’s plan will not take you where His grace will not sustain you.”

Maybe it is that I have stepped a bit out of the plan?  Or maybe I’m not believing enough about the grace, or maybe I’m just so tired I can’t see the forest of His grace through the trees of my guilt and exhaustion.

Yeah, it’s probably the forest and trees one.

He’s there.  And I’m kinda way over here…here in my pity party pool.  Drowning.

Lord, help!

Help me find rest.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.   Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

Help me follow you.

Thus says the LORD:  “Stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths,

where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls.  Jeremiah 6:16

Help me – please quiet my soul.

Fear not, O Zion; let not your hands grow weak.  The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love, he will exult over you with loud singing.  Zephaniah 3:17

Help me focus on you.

But my eyes are toward you, O God, my Lord; in you I seek refuge; leave me not defenseless! Psalm 141:8

Help me not worry.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

Help me trust you with my children.  Help me trust you with myself

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.  Psalm 62: 8

This guilt thing is for the birds. I have tried hard not to be a guilt giver but in my own guilt I’ve made myself a guilt spiller.  Ugh.

I don’t want to be a guilt spiller.  Guilt is NOT something I want to share or give or spill.

How much more do I want to share, give and spill grace?

I feel like I throw that word around a lot.  Grace.  I know it well.  Why in the world can’t I live it?

I started looking up verses on grace and was struck with something I probably have known but never really thought about – grace is so much more than just something we receive from God.  It’s the place we stand, the place we are under, the means of our justification and our salvation, and the way we act, speak, and think.

Grace – The gift received

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not for yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.  Ephesians 2:8-9

Grace – The place we stand

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Romans 5:1-2

Grace – The place we are under

For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.  Romans 6:14

Grace – The means of our justification

…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Romans 3:23-24

Grace – The means of our salvation

It is by grace you have been saved…For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -and this not for yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.    Ephesians 2:5, 8-9

(I think God wants me to read Ephesians 2:8-9 a bunch…)

Grace – The way we speak

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.  Colossians 4:6

One who loves a pure heart and who speaks with grace will have the king for a friend.  Proverbs 22:11

That last one is getting to me today.  It is just what I need to hear…what I want to apply to my parenting.  I want to speak with grace…have all my conversations with my children always full of grace.

I really like the part about seasoned with salt.

Matthew Henry says this about seasoned with salt:

“Grace is the salt which seasons our discourse, makes it savory, and keeps it from corrupting.”

It goes with those verses about our words always building up and encouraging others.  Our words, even the ones that are meant to hold someone accountable or call someone out (something we often have to do as parents), being gentle.  (Galatians 6:1)

Our words – our grace-filled words – should encourage, edify, enlighten, and embolden our children’s faith…even when they are words of admonition and accountability.

Our words – every word – should not be ones that tear down, but rather build our children up.

Our words should not spill guilt, but should overflow with grace!

I’m praying God will help me be a grace spiller!


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