“Everything is going on around me as if nothing is happening…as if my world is not crashing…exploding…imploding…”
I remember thinking those words when my marriage began its shattering.
Nobody knew. And life continued.
I recall standing up before a class of 5th and 6th graders teaching them grammar and thinking, “How do I do this? How do I pretend that this is just a normal day? That I don’t just want to crawl into a corner and weep?”
It’s such a surreal thing…trying to be normal when everything isn’t.
I’m feeling that way again as I watch my father’s health decline dramatically.
The other day I sat next to him propping him up with my shoulder, holding his hand, and leaning in to hear his soft, mumbled words. I was struck again by life’s challenges.
I’d spent the day with my children playing at the park – running, laughing, and sweating. Now I was sitting still, crying a bit, and well…sweating …my Dad’s room is pretty stuffy.
It’s weird to walk through all these emotions. I remember that walk when my husband left. I remember trying to make life normal and fun with my children. I’d laugh with them during the day and cry when I was alone at night. It was a truly terrible walk for a season, but I haven’t walked there in a while…until now.
Anyone who has suffered a loss or tragedy or challenge of any kind can understand…life goes on.
We still need to set alarms, pack lunches, get kids to school, do school with children, go to work, make dinner, drive to soccer games, smile at people, listen to other’s share their stories, and just plain live life.
I’m finding it difficult to figure out how to be normal anymore…I mean not that I’ve ever been completely normal (LOL!)…but how do I find normal when things keep getting wonky on me?
My prayer partner and I pray each year that this will be the year without trauma or drama….so far we are 0-6. Not a great record. BUT I will say that God continues to work in me and around me despite the decidedly difficult times.
He continues to show me He is faithful before, during, and after the troubling times.
Somehow or another, even when I can’t necessarily see it or really understand it, He makes it all bearable. At the end of the day, I realize I’ve survived. And so have all my children.
And it isn’t just survival…I’ve learned so much about myself and about Him through each heartbreak and sorrow.
God loves me and my children (and you and yours) so very much.
Lately God has been showing me how very very much He loves me and my children…and you and yours. There is no limit to His love…the amount doesn’t diminish on a bad day or even increase on a good day. He loves us perfectly and completely because He is love.
I read a quote years ago by A.W. Tozer from his book Knowledge of the Holy
“Love, for instance, is not something God has and which may grow or diminish or cease to be. His love is the way God is, and when He loves He is simply being Himself.”
I’m so blessed by that…so thankful that God loves me regardless of me or my circumstances or my fears or my challenges or my difficulties or my emotions or my failures…God loves me because He made me to love.
There is hope for me in that…there is hope that even when everything seems completely out of sorts and daily life must continue on, I can trust that God has it because He loves me. I can trust that I am secure in His unfailing love.
Even when life shatters, God’s love keeps me together.
uptomytoes 
Hugs Susan & always remember, our pain subsides eventually but our happy memories always bring a smile.
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I can relate. I filed for bankruptcy in 2009. The same year my ex husband lost his job and decided he didn’t have to pay child support since he was not working even though he was receiving unemployment benefits. Due to the loss of child support for several months while I wrangled with my ex legally over the child support issue, I could not make my mortgage payments. The house went in to foreclosure in 2011 and I moved me and my 2 kids 45 minutes away from the only home my kids ever knew. Just when I thought I was past my financial turmoil, I lost my job in April this year.
It’s nice, though, that we can look back at how God uses these things for good. The move to a new town was the best thing that happened to me and the kids. And me losing my job this year has allowed me to be home with the kids and I am pursuing income earning ideas I never would have pursued while I was working full-time.
I’m so sorry about what you are going through with your dad. I can’t imagine the emotional roller coaster you are riding right now. You will be in my prayers.
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Thank you so much for your prayers! And for sharing your beautiful perspective of trust in God! You are so right…it is awesome to look back and see how God uses the most impossible situations to bless us! He is good all the time!
In Him,
Sue
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Amen, so thankful that God keeps us together. There is no other way to get through this life. I am sure He thinks we are crazy, but at least He still loves us 🙂 thanks again for letting me know that I am not alone in all of this.
Shanda
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We are definitely not alone…crazy but not alone! Thank you for always encouraging me Shanda! You rock!
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I lead a “spouses” group for women whose husbands have addictions. I forward your emails to them, and I can’t tell you how much they encourage all of them. Thank you for being faithful to share your heart and the heart of God with many people who really need it!!!
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Wendy, thank you so much for sharing my posts! I’m so grateful for you and that God is using them to bless others!
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I can not thank you enough for your blog and book, which I have been reading. Your story has so many similarities to mine. I feel your voice echo mine. I was a homeschooling stay-at home mom too. My husband had an emotional affair (easier to justify than a physical affair) and his attitude towards life and me completely changed after this. He filed for divorce, and I feel left in shambles trying to pick up the pieces of what I thought was a given. We now split custody of our kids. Over night it feels I went from being the loving, nurturing mom with a happy marriage, or so I thought, to a single, frazzled part-time parent. It feels unfair. When I think of what it would take for God to humble him, I feel so much hurt and pain that restoration is impossible, and yet remarrying seems impossible with all that comes along with step families. Still, the desire is to be loved, like you say. Then, I must now go to my teaching position, which I do love but am completely overwhelmed with, and pretend nothing is wrong. Impossible!
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Jill,
Thank you for sharing…I’m so very sorry that you are walking a similar path. I pray that God gives you His strength and peace and comfort in beautiful and unexpected ways today and everyday. God bless you.
Sue
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Hang on Jill, I feel like I have been a single mom for a lot longer than when it really happened. I am also a teacher and by the end of the night I am definitely exhausted, but the kids and school are a good distraction and I want to be a good roll model for them. Thanks for sharing and you are not the only one, I hate to say. But God is good and good things will come out of this. God Bless, Shanda
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