Heaping on My Heart

My heart’s desire is to write about real things – not just the fun things that happen in a day but also those gut-wrenching things that drop us to our knees — I’m realizing that is more difficult than I originally thought.

Part of the problem is I’m usually an upbeat person, and when I write about the things that I’m really struggling with my family and friends tend to get worried.  So here’s the warning and the admonition:  I AM FINE.  This is my life – been living it for 3 years now and doing okay.  So please don’t worry…I’m asking it and God commands it!  So don’t worry…I’m just sharing honestly.

Tonight has been the culmination of a rough week.  Rough in every way possible it feels.   I started to make a list, but I’ve decided against it.  We all have our lists.  Looooong lists.  Little things that pile up and drive us nuts.  Or big things that just wallop us and leave us stunned.

This week has been an equal opportunity week – make me crazy with a thousand little things then finish me off with a strong wallop (or ten).  And being crazy and stunned makes me fussy and my words harsh.  And I’m sure when I’m having a particularly awful week my children sense it and are compelled to make it worse.  I’m kinda joking – I know they don’t do it on purpose.  I set the tone for my home.  Fussy mommy = fussy kids = not so peaceful home.

It’s 11:42 pm to be exact and my head is throbbing, my feet are sore and I should be asleep.  Unfortunately, I’m wide awake out of annoyance.  It’s Friday night. I really want to be hanging out with my teenagers, but I figure I should end this day as soon as possible and go to bed.  Sometimes it’s just really important to make the day stop.

When I came upstairs I discovered two little people chatting the night away in their beds.  Needless to say, that was unacceptable and pretty much ushered  me into Grumpy Mommyland – never a good place to go with a headache.  A visit to Grumpy Mommyland looks surprisingly like a toddler temper tantrum.  I’m frustrated with EVERYTHING!!!

Seriously, I want to change so much – and not just my little world but everyone’s world.  Unfortunately, I simply can’t.  I’m left again with prayer being my only option.  Only option…as if it’s a bad option.  It’s the best option.

There is one benefit to being completely overwhelmed, I don’t waste time trying to figure out other ways to fix things.  I know my limitations…there are a lot of them…and fixing my life is a glaringly obvious limitation.

Only God can handle this messy life… and only God can handle my fist clenched, teeth gritted, head aching, exhausted body self.  He can, thankfully, take care of me and all my stuff.

I decided I would indeed write a list of the things that are stressing me.  I was surprised that really none of them are things I can actually fix or change.  Well, actually I’m pretty sure I can change things for the better if I just stop focusing on them as if I had some control over them.

Why can’t I just trust that God has it all under control?  I KNOW God has it, even when it feels like there’s not one thing under control in my life.  I believe He has a plan….a good plan.  And seriously it just has to be a faith-thing because there are days….

I do struggle. Even though He has proven Himself to be completely trustworthy, I still struggle.  I pray and ask God to take it.  Tell Him I know that He can be trusted to handle it.  But apparently after I give it to Him, I steal it right back.

I guess this week I haven’t even really let God take any of it at all.  I just keep heaping all the cares, concerns and issues on my heart and in my head until it feels like collapse is imminent.  This never serves me well…never.  Case in point – this night.

The reality of this divorced, single mom life is there are a lot of things to stress about …a lot!!!  But, dang!  I do NOT want to keep doing weeks like this past one.  I gotta figure out how to live without focusing on all the difficulties, challenges and issues!  I just gotta.  Sometimes it just seems near impossible.

My plan is to pray that God will show me how.  I know He will.  And I’m excited to see what He will show me.  I’ll be sure to share!