Recently I’ve been struck, like a two-by-four, by the loss of dreams. It seems we all have lost dreams. I’ve lost some dreams that I thought were givens. The biggest being my “til death do us part” marriage. Lately my dream of a happily ever after seems a bit out of reach as well. I’ve realized that this life, this single mom life, doesn’t end up happily ever after very easily. I think I have secretly, and sometimes not so secretly, been hoping for my prince charming to come on the scene. I don’t think he’s coming any time soon, and honestly, after some of the things people have shared with me about step families, maybe that’s a good thing right now. Nonetheless, it breaks my heart.
I long to be married again – for a partner in this life and for a stepfather who loves my children with abandon. I know that apart from God that is unlikely. I don’t just have baggage, I have a storage unit. I think it just hit me that even if someone decided to join our chaos, it would be very challenging and not happily ever after from the start. I was hoping for a rescue, dang it!
I sat down today in tears thinking about what I want and how far aways it seems. And I felt the injustice of my ex-husband being remarried. I can’t simply marry for me; I have to marry for 6. Please know that I wouldn’t have it any other way – sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair. (I sound like my 5 year old.) I will tell you, immediately following that thought, God got all up in my face. He reminded me that I have HIM. And, truly, really, Jesus is so much better than anyone or anything else. Why do I forget that so easily? Well, I know one reason because He isn’t flesh and blood standing next to me with his arm on my shoulder…but God says He is enough and I believe Him.
It’s like I can tell everyone that I trust God – that He is enough – but then I have a disappointing day or a sorrowful moment of reminder, and I spiral down. I forget that His grace is sufficient. I forget that this life is about me knowing, loving and glorifying Him. God forgive me, I want more. I want someone who loves me with hugs and kisses and looks. I want romance, love and companionship. I pray that the Lord will give me grace to see beyond the challenges, beyond the sadness, beyond the brokenness to His unfailing love, His faithfulness, and His healing.
I’m determined that even though there will be moments when I long for what I’m missing, there will be more moments when I remember what I have. I have 5 wonderful children who I love with abandon. I have a Savior who loves me with abandon – to death on the Cross and back again. I have a life to live and I can still dream big dreams because I have a big God. With God all things are possible – whether that’s a godly man joining our family or me knowing that happily ever after is a given because that’s how God planned it.
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