My Two-by-Four (P.S. It has a happy ending)

Recently I’ve been struck, like a two-by-four, by the loss of dreams.  It seems we all have lost dreams.  I’ve lost some dreams that I thought were givens.  The biggest being my “til death do us part” marriage.  Lately my dream of a happily ever after seems a bit out of reach as well.  I’ve realized that this life, this single mom life, doesn’t end up happily ever after very easily.  I think I have secretly, and sometimes not so secretly, been hoping for my prince charming to come on the scene.  I don’t think he’s coming any time soon, and honestly, after some of the things people have shared with me about step families, maybe that’s a good thing right now.  Nonetheless, it breaks my heart.

I long to be married again – for a partner in this life and for a stepfather who loves my children with abandon.  I know that apart from God that is unlikely.  I don’t just have baggage, I have a storage unit.  I think it just hit me that even if someone decided to join our chaos, it would be very challenging and not happily ever after from the start.  I was hoping for a rescue, dang it!

I sat down today in tears thinking about what I want and how far aways it seems.  And I felt the injustice of my ex-husband being remarried.  I can’t simply marry for me; I have to marry for 6.  Please know that I wouldn’t have it any other way – sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair.  (I sound like my 5 year old.)  I will tell you, immediately following that thought, God got all up in my face.  He reminded me that I have HIM.  And, truly, really, Jesus is so much better than anyone or anything else.  Why do I forget that so easily?  Well, I know one reason because He isn’t flesh and blood standing next to me with his arm on my shoulder…but God says He is enough and I believe Him.

It’s like I can tell everyone that I trust God – that He is enough – but then I have a disappointing day or a sorrowful moment of reminder, and I spiral down.  I forget that His grace is sufficient.  I forget that this life is about me knowing, loving and glorifying Him.  God forgive me, I want more.  I want someone who loves me with hugs and kisses and looks.  I want romance, love and companionship.   I pray that the Lord will give me grace to see beyond the challenges, beyond the sadness, beyond the brokenness to His unfailing love, His faithfulness, and His healing.

I’m determined that even though there will be moments when I long for what I’m missing, there will be more moments when I remember what I have.  I have 5 wonderful children who I love with abandon.  I have a Savior who loves me with abandon – to death on the Cross and back again.  I have a life to live and I can still dream big dreams because I have a big God.  With God all things are possible – whether that’s a godly man joining our family or me knowing that happily ever after is a given because that’s how God planned it.

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10 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing so transparently…you are gloriously beautiful and teaching your children more about grace than I can imagine! Keep giggling…keep clinging…and know that you have sister friends who love you TONS! Big Hug!

  2. Sue,
    I wish I could say something that would make it all better. Thanks for sharing your heart. I think it is comforting for others to know they are not alone.
    And you have enough drama to make a sitcom… Maybe you can make millions and hire Supernanny to help you.☺

  3. I love this blog! This post, was like reading my own thoughts…. Thank you for sharing. I am encouraged, I guess just knowing that I am definitely not alone…. There is Jesus, and there are others out there who forget, who long, who cry, and who are making the best of it.
    Truly blessed. Thanks!

  4. thank God. i have felt like the only Christian woman on the planet whose marriage is crashing and burning. Im trying to get my blog going but I have felt attacked by doubt. How can I write to encourage others if I cant even keep a husband around… I know that is a bunch of crap but it still hurts and holds me back. thank you thank you for writing, I so needed this tonight.

    • Catherine, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. God uses us where we are – all messy and hurting. I wish we could sit down and chat…if you’d like to “talk” please feel free to email me at suebirdseye@gmail.com. I don’t have all the answers by any stretch of the imagination, but I so understand and if I can encourage you at all, I will try. Please write your blog – even if you don’t post them right now – you can write and write and write and when you feel the time is right you can tweak and post them! Praying for you and your marriage. Blessings, Sue

  5. Sue, thank you for willing to be very real, for telling us how it is! Because, no matter what our trial, it is so hard for us to let go and grab ahold of the truth that Jesus is enough when it seems we can’t see, hear, touch, or feel Him with us. Faith. Your faith strengthens my faith. My faith strengthens yours. Ha!…there He is! In us. Walking, talking, breathing, living…in you and in me! He is here all the time. Sometimes I just have to take the blinders from my eyes so I can see Him again! Love, Melissa/realmom8

    • Melissa,
      Thank you so very much for your words of encouragement. I just have to say that God used you in my life incredibly this morning. I checked out your blog – which I love! And your words about your sweet daughters growing in your heart was just perfect. My two youngest daughters are adopted – they are now 4 and 5 – recently they have been very sad that they were not in my tummy and I have tried to think of something that would comfort them. We have talked a lot but your words are perfect. I hope you don’t mind but I am going to use them as well! What a blessing! God is so faithful to answer our prayers! God bless you! Sue

  6. Hi Sue,
    I have no idea how I stumbled upon your blog, but I’m glad I did. I am just starting my single mom journey. I have 4 precious little ones and a husband who left us a year ago. I can totally relate to the times when it seems unfair to have the responsibility of the children while he is off doing whatever, whenever…yet I wouldn’t give up having these children for anything…yet it does indeed seem unfair. Needless to say, I’ve had my share of pity parties! 😉

    May God bless you as you go forth for His glory in raising your children!
    Melissa

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