I enjoyed a lovely lunch with a dear friend who epitomizes grace, although she probably wouldn’t agree. She is one of those people who has suffered so deeply it’s hard to understand how she is still standing upright, much less smiling and serving others with compassion. She is deep. Deep in faith. Deep in grief. Deep in grace. Deep in questions. As we shared, we found our losses, although different, had placed us on the same path. A path filled with, not doubt, but questions. Our faith deepened, but our questions grew more profound, more perplexing, and more persistent. We weren’t doubting God’s love, but, as C.S. Lewis said, we were wondering how much His best would hurt.

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” C.S. Lewis

It’s a challenging and sometimes exhausting place to be. A place I’m thankful I can share with a friend who understands. 

Throughout my journey as a single parent, I have often found myself expecting difficulties rather than expecting good things from God. I am learning to trust that His good is indeed good. Sometimes that comes with looking back. Times when I assumed that God’s best for me was always going to be painful and difficult and exhausting… because it sometimes feels like that has been my experience, at least for these past ever so many years. It has been years of being tired. Actually, that’s an understatement. I’ve been exhausted, weary, and worn out, but I have stayed in the fight. I have realized that most often the fight is within myself. 

I believe my friend would say much the same. 

I have so desperately wanted to better understand God’s plan. because sometimes I’m just baffled. It can be a frustrating and messy emotional place. And, it can seem like prayers don’t matter…neither the intensity nor the number, because sometimes things just don’t happen the way I hope…healing doesn’t happen, hopes are dashed, the journey is beyond arduous, the work is hard, the hurt is real, and the stuff still happens or doesn’t. And I’m left wondering what to do about it all, if anything. 

So many people I know are living hard lives…disappointment, discouragement, despair run amok in their lives. And yet, their faith isn’t shaken…maybe their courage, their energy, their vision for the future… but their faith in God remains steadfast. 

I can confidently say my hope is still in Jesus. 

I think one thing that has happened because of this not-so-perfect life is I have a deeper longing for eternity, a strong hope for my secure future with Jesus, and a very real belief that, regardless of my circumstances, I can trust that God loves me. ..even if it truly doesn’t feel that way sometimes. 

Life on Earth is hard. Jesus said it would be…and He didn’t lie. He also said He’d send a Helper – One who takes our groans of struggle and turns them into prayers straight to the Father’s ear (Romans 8),

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” (Romans 8:26-27)

The Holy Spirit is described as someone who stands by us like a defender or protector, even a cheerleader or advocate. When our prayers are just groans because our words are lost, He intercedes. The Holy Spirit is like a voice of confidence whispering in our ears that we can face whatever lies ahead and a voice of hope that knows exactly what we need and shares that with the Father.

For me, Romans 8 is such a treasure of truths. After giving me the confidence that no matter what garbled, weepy words I utter in prayer, the Holy Spirit interprets them in just the right way to the Father for me, the passage goes on to ask, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (v. 31)  He IS for us. He will fight for us, protect us, and love us perfectly. Look at what He has already done! “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (v. 32) God has chosen us, justified us, and provided a way for us. Jesus intercedes for us. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ – not hardship, not trouble, not persecution, not need, not danger. (v. 33-35) Not all the struggles and crises and disappointments. Not despair or fear or pain. Not even our expectation that God’s best might not feel that way. Nothing. 

Romans 8 finishes with this passage: 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (v. 37-39)

Jesus loves us. His love drives out our fear of the future. His love wraps us in hope even while we might be hurting. His love quells our questions not always with answers, but with the comfort of His love, the peace of His presence, and the assurance of His goodness. His loves will not let us go. He will never stop loving us. He will never stop advocating, interceding, and providing for us. 

There is hope in that. There is comfort in knowing that my questions are okay. My struggles are not dismissed; they are shared with the Father. I am not at all saying my struggles are anything like Job’s, but Job asked questions… hard questions, pointed questions, demanding questions, frustrated questions… and God did not punish him for them…He also didn’t really answer them as Job probably wanted…God answered Job’s questions with a description of who He is. I actually love how God begins his response to Job. God says, “Brace yourself like a man,” basically, get ready to wrestle. God then questions Job…rhetorically, it seems. Things like, “Where you there when I created the world? Do you make the sun rise and set? Do you know where the snow, hail, and lightning are stored? Can you make the stars shine just so?” I don’t think God wanted to make Job feel inconsequential, but rather, I believe God wanted Job to see the sovereignty, power, and glory of God. To recognize that God is not powerless to understand, to help, to care…to remind him that God is the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of all things, the Most Holy God. 

Before life happened, I don’t think I understood how much of a blessing that response was. It always seemed unkind to me. Job had lost so much and suffered so greatly. Why couldn’t God give him a more comforting and kind response? BUT now I think I’m beginning to understand a little why God answered the way He did, because in my questions, I don’t want a hug as much as I want to know that God is good and that I can trust Him. He is not powerless, ineffectual, or unloving. He is all power, all wisdom, and all love. I can put the stuff of life through that grid…the understanding that I don’t understand, but He does. And, because He is good, I can trust Him. Because He loves me relentlessly and perfectly, I can rest in Him. Because He is sovereign, I can ask questions without fear. 

I know I will continue to wrestle with things, even with God sometimes. I know that life will always have its mountains and valleys. I know that my questions will not always, or even very often, be answered the way I want. I also know that I can trust God. I know that He understands my fears and my concerns. I know that there will be a time when all questions will cease, and I will know the true peace of looking my Savior in His eyes. Thankfully, He has already shown me in so very many ways that I am profoundly and completely loved.