Words in my Head

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It’s 1:17 am and I absolutely should take off my reading glasses, close my laptop, slide under my flower-covered comforter and place my head securely on my soft pillows, but I just can’t right now.

Because I want to write now.  I want to write something profound and moving and well-written.

The other day I walked through a sweet little bookshop and read the beginning pages of countless books in an effort to find the next thing to keep me from completing my to-do list in a timely fashion.

The jacket covers shared briefly the story of generations of people, family struggles, loves lost and found, growing up, growing old, and countless other stories in between. Although some sounded interesting, it’s the beginning pages that make me want to read a book.  The flow of words.  The turn of a phrase.  The engaging characters with well-written conversations.

Sometimes for me it is more about the words than the story.  More about the way they are arranged and the way they are used that make a book wonderful.

Words.

I want to make some amazing connection between words and stories and life. I’m grasping.  Maybe it’s the late hour or the fact that the last few nights didn’t involve a tremendous amount of deep sleep.

Don’t even know why I was restless.  Too hot.  Too cold.  Too noisy.  Too quiet.  Too uncomfortable.  Too tired.  Too awake.  Too late.  Too early.

Too.

Just too.

This morning, I woke up to a rainy day and too much melancholy with my morning coffee.

I’ve never been a melancholy person, but occasionally I feel myself sliding down that slope.  I’ll be in the pit before I know it if I don’t figure out how to get a handle on my introspection.  All my pondering is getting me nowhere but down.

Lately, my head has been so full of what-ifs and whys and oh-how-I-wish-things-were-different words..those thoughts truly are like a big mound of tangled up string.  One intertwined with the next.  Things all connected in my head even if they have no connection in real life.

I have discovered that my head is not real life…at least not most of the time.

I wonder if my head needs to be examined.

I’m beginning to understand 2 Corinthians 10:5 “take every thought captive to obey Christ” – it’s hard.

I used to think it was just those overtly sinful thoughts that I needed to take captive.

These thoughts I struggle with aren’t always ones that if taken one by one would be considered the kind of thought that needed to lassoed and tossed aside.  But I’m realizing that my thought life is a bit destructive, especially when I’m strangled by thoughts of fear, anxiety, jealousy, and insecurity.

These thoughts are sneaky too.  They seem so justified and even reasonable.  My problem is they build and intertwine and make giant knots…all my pondering doesn’t seem to be making any headway in undoing the stringy things.

I think I’m making them bigger.  Making even more words bounce around in my head.

I find myself again at a place in life where I need the Lord to step in and do His thing.  And yet, I keep grabbing my ball of yarn thoughts and holding them close.  Apparently I don’t really want to share.

When I get like this I tend to pull away into my own little thought life.  It’s too hard to explain all the things running through my head at any given time.  One of my dearest friends can see it in my face and always asks me, “What are you thinking?”

Honestly…I really don’t like that question right now.

I want to answer, “How long you got?”

Because in order to answer what I have going on in my head, I’m going to have to gradually, calmly, carefully, and slowly pull every string of thought out and decide where it fits in with all the other millions of thoughts tumbling around in my silly little head.

I can’t even figure out where to start.  I believe that is why I have writer’s block.  Why it has been so difficult to share my thoughts on anything…they are too mixed up and complicated right now.

I’m trying to take one day at a time and do this day well.   Sometimes the best way to do that is to ignore the deep thoughts and just go with the to-do list.  The to-do list is straight forward and easy to understand…it might knock me down with the sheer number of things to do, but it won’t confuse me.

But I think I’m gonna have to spend some time thinking…praying…studying Scripture so that I can understand where God wants me to start.

I think I’ve got some healing to do…some healthy living to start.

I need to do this, if not for me, for my children.  I want to be bold, courageous, and relaxed…not confused, anxious, and fearful.

This melancholy woman…I guess she could be who I am now…maybe life circumstances can change us that way?  Somehow I don’t think so.

Maybe, this is a season of growing, learning, pondering (ugh), and taking thoughts captive so that I can find my way to a more mature woman of faith whose personality is more complex and interesting because of what she has experienced…I like that idea. A lot.

That’s the mom I want to be for my kids…that’s the woman I want to be.

Good gravy!  I’ve definitely gotten off track of my reading book start to this blog.

Untangling these thoughts…God will show me how…in His time.  I trust Him.

Well, I best get some sleep so tomorrow (I mean today :)) I can get busy on that to-do list!  Then I can actually find some time to sit down and read my new book!  I can’t wait…it has some beautiful words in it!

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