It was about this time 6 years ago when my husband left.
And although in many ways I’m stronger and better…the repercussions still vibrate through my life. In the midst of something wonderful, I can feel the stirrings of fear seeping into my thoughts, the beat of insecurity pulsing through me, and the blending of sorrow and hurt spilling over my heart. Sometimes it comes at the oddest times…sometimes it almost makes perfect sense.
And although the hurt and sorrow are dulled, the insecurities and fear have not…if anything, at times, I think they have increased. And it drives me crazy!!! I don’t want to live with the repercussions of someone else’s actions…I have all the repercussions of my own actions to deal with! (thank you very much.)
If my ex-husband could have comprehended how much his actions would hurt me, would he still have left? If he could have looked ahead and had any idea of the sorrow and fear that would plague me, would he still have had an affair? If he could have felt the pain that washes over me so often, would he have abandoned our children?
I don’t know, but I can’t imagine causing anyone the pain he has caused us. I can’t imagine being okay with any of this.
But then again, there are a lot of things I can’t imagine.
I can’t imagine this fear ever leaving…I pray it does though.
I can’t imagine ever being free of this pain…although I pray fervently I am.
There are moments…sweet, precious moments of freedom. Moments when I forget. Moments when I see clearly a bright and hopeful future.
The fight for those moments is daily. It is a constant battle to take my thoughts captive. I know that settling in that fear and insecurity is a miserable place…a not-God-honoring place…a hopeless place.
I know that God wants more than that for me. He wants me to be more than a bruised and shattered woman…He wants me to live a life of confidence and hope.
Each morning is an opportunity to set my mind on things above, not on things of this earth.
Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:1-3
Every morning is the opportunity for something new…a new start, a new perspective, a new vision for my future…
Every morning provides me a fresh way to grab hold of hope.
The LORD’S loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.”… Jeremiah 3:22-24
What do I hope for?
I hope for peace. I long for peace. I have found that this world offers little peace. It is a decidedly not peaceful place. BUT Jesus is the author of my peace.
“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. John 14:27
I often pray for peace that passes all understanding to guard the hearts and minds of those who share with me…I should absolutely be praying that for myself as well.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
I hope for the ability to truly trust again.
Trust others to know my heart…to take care of my heart…to treat me as precious and valuable.
Trust others to be faithful and honoring.
Trust others to love me.
But trust has to start with me trusting God. Trusting that God has a good plan for my life…for this day. Trusting God with my heart.
Yes, my soul, finds rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my might rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8
I hope for freedom from fear.
Freedom to love without fear.
Freedom to let go of the fear of pain.
I do not believe there is any freedom apart from Christ. I will not find the peace, hope, and freedom I so long for from anyone but the Lord.
You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its remotest parts And said to you, ‘You are My servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. ‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, ‘Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:9-10
I picture this woman with her hands outstretched…with a huge smile…welcoming all that God has into her life.
I picture a woman, healed and whole…a woman who loves others with abandon and without fear.
I picture a woman on her knees praying for strength to face tomorrow with hope.
12 thoughts on “Had You Known?”
I will pray for you, Sue, that the Lord will free you INDEED!!
Bless you. My daughter is in the same place. It’s so hard for her and she is so lonely….while he moves on to another and another… Thank you for giving me more insight into her pain. God is merciful and He will do amazing things in your life. Look for signs of His presence everyday. He is your ever present help in time of need…and you will be free!
We must meet this side of heaven. Our stories so frighteningly similar…clear down to the 5 littles and being adoptive moms. There isn’t one single word I don’t relate to here. Not one. I just haven’t gotten brave enough yet to be as open as you are. I love your heart. Love that you share this journey with great transparency and faith. Mercy. Hope. Peace.
I know this pain and while no am healing, it still hurts. Its a long journey out just like it was a long journey in, but you will get there. Keep trudging forward one day at a time. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
While I* am healing… Sorry, typos!
Marriage is a commitment, a vow before God and man, for better or worse. Life has a way of throwing the “worse” in our paths in many forms. For a husband and father to abandon his vow to man is sadly too common and perhaps not viewed as very costly to him. But to knowingly break a vow to God, well, dare I say the results are not ultimately going to be what that man may think/wish they will be. Scripture exhorts us to “die to self” for Christ to increase in us. As a husband for over 40 years, father to five and now grandfather to another 5 (with #6 on the way), I can say with a very high level of confidence toughing out the rough times and staying the course vowed before God has rewards beyond measure. You are staying true to what God has entrusted to you and as you tough out this long season know He is mindful of your struggles and watchful over you and the children. Your testimony throughout this trial is a glorious song of praise to His faithfulness and one that surely has and will continue to bless many others.
It is now 15 years past the same experience. I am no longer afraid, I am seldom lonely, I am however still “alone’. I have found strength and joy in my walk with Jesus as my true love knowing He will never leave me. I also trust that He is pouring blessings on me daily because I thought the days of crying in the shower so the kids wouldn’t hear would never end. They did. I did not. Prayers and love for your journey.
Bless you my sister. Thank for the message and for being the amazing woman of God you are. I think you’re going to fine; your faith will assure it. Blessings and Love, your brother.
Susan! It has been too long since I’ve read your writing and I found you through Pinterest. I think of you often and miss your funny ways and our sporactic yet profound talks. You are so beautiful and have such wit and a gift for writing. I love how you seem just like yourself in your writing. You are always thought of fondly and with warmth. God be with you, Jen W in the ‘Burg
I could have written this. 🙂 I’ll be praying for you! Thank you for your encouraging words!
Thank you so much for putting into words what others like myself can not. God bless you and your family. Leslie
Thank you so much for your encouragement. It blesses me so much!
God bless you and your family too!