I Need Therapy…of sorts.

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This is gonna sound funny….but I feel like I’ve written all this before…its like deja vu in blogging – which is weird.   So if I have said this all before, word for word, forgive me please.   It totally is where I am apparently AGAIN.

Right now I should be preparing for my first formal observation or sleeping, but instead I find myself opening a new totally blank Word document.  It has been a long time since I’ve had a moment to jot down any thoughts, but I find myself needing some “writing therapy” badly.

Tonight was a difficult night…there are a lot of those lately…I think I know why.  I know that all these transitions have been very difficult on some of my children and they are acting out.  Unfortunately, all these transitions have been difficult on me and I’m acting out too.

There once was a time that I would consider myself a gentle and patient mother.  Although I’d be hard-pressed at this point to remember when that was.  It just seems like I’ve been living in a perpetual state of annoyance and frustration…which makes me anything but gentle.

I’m finding myself close to tears more than not.  I’m a dam ready to burst.  And I’m afraid of the day that it happens, because the occasional trickling and leaking is pretty discouraging and quite a sight to behold.

There are days I just want to holler, “I can’t do this anymore!”  Not even I don’t want to…I can’t.

Actually, I’ve said that a lot.  God has heard that refrain often over the past few months.  And yet each morning I get up and do what needs to be done…not necessarily with a good attitude and definitely without a lot of sleep, but I do it.  And the only reason that I can is because God enables me to…otherwise I’d be hiding under the covers, no, make that under the bed or in the closet or in the attic…somewhere where I’d be very hard to find.

I want desperately to do the mommy-thing well, the teacher-thing well, the student-thing well, the daughter, sister, friend things well.  I don’t think I’m doing any of them with much success, or consistent success.  I definitely feel like the fussy mommy, the scatterbrained teacher, and the pathetic student, and the nut job daughter, sister friend right now.

I hate to even write that – I feel like I should have a better attitude about myself.  I am God’s precious daughter – not a failure.  It just feels like I am.

But are my feelings accurate?  I don’t think so.  In fact, I know they aren’t.  Even if they aren’t accurate, I do know my feelings well…and they are all over the place sometimes.

I wish that I could figure out how to get out of this funk.  I just don’t see a way.  I don’t see a way for more sleep or rest or even quiet.  I don’t see a way for more time to study, prepare, or assess.  I don’t see a way to spend more time with my children…more calm, fun and less harried, less stressed time.  I don’t see how to get my house ready to sell so I can move into a better living situation.  I don’t see how to do anything easily or quickly.

We are in a difficult living situation right now and I don’t know how to change it yet.  My job is time-consuming (to put it mildly) and sometimes I feel so confused and behind and overwhelmed by all that needs to be done and all that I want to do.  My children all need me desperately and I want to give them so much more than I feel capable of giving right now…I’m running on empty.  (A description that doesn’t match with my dam bursting…how about empty of everything but tears.)

I believe this is a part of single parenting…the difficulty of doing it all.  And, unless you have been a single parent, it truly is hard to comprehend or understand.  Lately, a lot (A LOT) of people have given me advice, mostly unsolicited.  I really would prefer not to be told what I need to change or not change, to think or not think, to pray or not pray, to do or not do, to feel or not feel…honestly, I think I’d rather just pray and read the Word to get that information.  But, I think because I’m single and harried people feel they must help…sometimes that help is so hurtful though.  Just being honest.  (I digress…I believe that last paragraph should be a different blog – but here it is anyway!)

Okay, so now I’ve shared all my fussiness with you, what do I do now?  How in the world do I move beyond this emotional, difficult, overwhelming, and frustrating place?

Honestly, I don’t think I can.

I don’t think that I can change much about my life and maybe I’d feel a whole lot better if I stopped thinking that I could.

I don’t believe that God wants me to spend my time trying to figure out how to get out of the life I’m living.  I believe He wants me to LIVE…live where He has me with His strength, peace, hope and love in my life.

This week I’m trying to remember that my God is sovereign.  Not only sovereign, but good and faithful.  That even though I’d really like to “fix” my situation, I’m beginning…just beginning…to get the fact that I don’t need to fret.  Oh, how I fret!  After all the many ways God has shown himself faithful, I find myself continually twisted up inside like a pretzel…worried, anxious, frustrated.  How and why is that even possible?

I’ve been trying and trying and trying to make things happen, but things don’t seem to be moving forward like I thought they would.  I keep having to wait on things…I hate waiting.  Really.

But tonight…I’m reminding myself that God will only call me to wait if it is best.  And I want best. Best is best.

So tonight, I’m going to bed in a few minutes and I’m determined to sleep more than 6 minutes.  In the morning I’m going to pray hard and trust God’s goodness and timing…but I’m also going to pray hard that things get better, easier, and less stressful.

I can trust Him.  My God is good all the time…all the time!

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15 Comments

  1. You are simply amazing my sister and there are I’m sure many like you who read your words and take solace in them. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being such a wonderfully loving and caring person; momma, sister, daughter, and friend. Blessings.

  2. Thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel. Each week I learn more about my separated husband’s deceit and this past week was the biggest shock of all. I want to runaway but can’t because I love my daughter. I love God, don’t understand his ways, but know that he loves us unconditionally. The part about waiting really resonates with me at this very moment. God has better things planned and I must trust and wait.

  3. Thank you for sharing your truth. I think we’re in similar situations. I’m waiting for my day in court after being separated for almost 2 years. Waiting on The Lord is hard. Being a single mom is hard. God is good all the time. 🙂

    • I’m reading, listening and highlighting when the Hurt Runs Deep by Kay Arthur. It’s the book that has helped me the most since Sue’s. Working on not becoming bitter and angry. After 25 years of marriage and his double life revealed, it’s a daily struggle. It’s Only by His grace and mercy that I go on knowing there’s a better future ahead for all of us!

  4. My story, this always astounds me, is so much like your family. One of the tools I use for my on the go go go life I lead and also because I had a brain injury along with the divorce, this injury prevents me from being able to adequately absorb written word. My tool is a small iPod. I load it with Charles Stanley, Chuck Swindoll, and many more. I have been without this tool for almost a month because I washed my last one. So it was nagging at me that I was dropping the ball on my spiritual practices, my point – I do have one in here. Last night as I flew through the night to be with my young son, I think it was Charles Stanley that said: when God sends us storms remember HE is so interested in making us like Him. Thank you God, that you care so much for me (and you ) that all you want is to teach me and show me how to be more like you. One time you asked me to send you an email of how you could pray for me, for some reason I have never figured out how to do that. Maybe I am not suppose to? At any rate, when the seas are rising up and you feel so lost in the surf, please know that you matter to so many people you haven’t even met. God gave you a beautiful voice to help us all and I pray for you often.

    prayers to you!

  5. Sue, have you seen your physician? I hate taking unnecessary medication but it sound like something may be in order. Constantly being on the verge of tears is not normal or what God wants. God has given us science and physicians and we need to use the resources He provides. You would see a physician over a broken bone, why not see if there is something that can help you function better so you can be a better mother/teacher/student/daughter/sister/friend?

    • Lindsay really? Medication can be addictive and is absolutely not the blanket solution. David came to tears numerous times during the darkest most difficult times of his life, but always at the end of the day and afresh each morning affirmed that God is in control and is indeed still his God. “Oh God, you are MY God!”

  6. Medication is only a temporary “fix” to a permanent problem….but….on the occasion that I was sooo phsycally exhausted that I was “too tired to get a good night’s rest” I finally asked my Dr for two pills….one per night for use over the weekend! She gave me a sample box of three (I saved the third for “emergency” only)!! Did it solve anything emotional? NO!! But it was amazing how much smaller my issues became, more manageable, more workable, it gave me renewed energy to carry on and MUCH more patience to deal with those I needed to deal with on a day to day basis!! So don’t dismiss this temporary “fix”! And please, do NOT feel guilty about getting a deep, good night’s rest!!

    Remember…. when you have a serious infection your body needs assistance….that doesn’t mean you take antibiotics permanently just long enough to help you body fight the infection!

  7. Dear Sue! Thank you for sharing your struggles, I don’t think you realise how just naming and writing about all this difficult things is an encouragement to me and,I am sure,to many others! I experience the same things and often ask myself “is this normal?”But it is, and God knows. He knows how hard it gets and how empty we become, but don’t lose heart.He has promised to see you through and He will.
    I agree with Margaret about taking some medicine to get some sound sleep.I hav something at home that my doctor prescribes and only take 1/2 pill IF I didn’t get some good sleep during several days on a row.It helps to sleep through one night and I feel it helps me to keep the balance (emotionally and fysically)Maybe it can be a help for you too.
    Psalms 46: 6 is very encouraging to me: God lives in me,in you and He will help us at the dawn of every new morning. Getting up in the morning can be a huge step of faith for us single parents and He knows that.

    With love, Debbie

  8. I have to agree with Margaret and Lindsay. You need to talk to your Doctor. In no way does that suggest that The Lord isn’t in charge of your life or that you aren’t being a good christian if you need some medical help temporarily. I know good, godly ministers who have done this. It’s nothing to be ashamed of nor should anyone who needs medication be chastised for not depending on God.
    If that’s how you feel, no one should use antibiotics because God can heal or, or blood pressure or heart medication because we aren’t depending on God.
    That’s absurd.

  9. Sunday as I was praying and thinking about you and circumstances in your life mine and so many others these statements were made as we worshiped God

    Our God controls what and how far satan can go in his destruction and pain he causes in our life
    God brings Life to us can we seek him, let’s stop trying to make behaviour changes and modifications thinking that will change our circumstances, let us seek after Gods Grace in our lives and our circumstances and our behaviours will be transformed.
    So I look to the day the passing away of all that is crippling
    I’m wholly yours held by the power of your Love nothing can tear us apart.

    Than a young man about 7 yrs old asked this question
    Did you ever notice on Noah’s ark there was no steering wheel or rudder I have found this to be profound the last two days

    Some than said the ark settled on the Rock
    Our arks all of us are going to settle on the rock

  10. This truly has blessed my spirit,at a lot yes..at a lot of times I feel this way, but God..he is who he is God and he knows my heart and strength. I WAS CRYING and praying for God to bless me with his strength. Especially when you are going through during a season or two, you have quite a few haters here and there in love. Even in love it hurts,but God!!!
    I pray everyday, I pray the same prayer at times, until that thing is broken. ..sometimes I just raise my had and thank him in advance for what’s to come next. ..blessings to you ma’am, many new things to come your way in Jesus name.
    .

  11. Thank you so much much for your pure honesty. I have found myself so often feeling this same way. Is there anything I can do right? Anything I can be well, right now? Thank you for putting into words what I so often feel in my situation. Please keep writing truth it brings strength to many of us weary souls out here just trying to rise every morning and put one foot in front of another. It is so comforting to know others have been there and understand when there is so many out there that do not. Thank you and prayers for healing and rest!

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