I’ve been longing to write for weeks…feels like months…
About 7 months ago I began taking classes in order to get my teaching license and hopefully a Masters in education (I don’t even know how to write it – Masters, masters, Master’s or master’s – and is education capitalized?). I’m enjoying the classes, but I absolutely haven’t mastered the workload.
These past few weeks it’s been way too much and I’m feeling it. I kinda just realized that I added a HUGE thing without taking away anything…I shouldn’t have done that. And now all I can seem to do is 2nd guess every decision I’ve made.
I think things like:
“Did I run ahead of God’s plan for me?”
“Have I missed the opportunity to write a 2nd book?”
“Am I giving up the ministry God gave me for this?”
“Am I not trusting God to provide for us?”
“Am I doing the right thing for my children?”
My children.
I have one sweetheart that hates the fact I’m going back to school. The rest are okay – definitely not ecstatic, just okay.
I’m trying to get on top of things, but I’ve been in front of the computer screen or with my nose in a book and highlighter in hand more often than not.
I’m getting up before the crack of dawn and going to bed long after the sun has set and I still find myself feeling like I’m behind. Why is it taking so much out of me?
I just wonder sometimes.
I made this decision in order to be able to provide for my family. I also really want to get the tutoring one of my children needs and help them with college if I can. It’d also be awesome to have retirement and benefits.
I just don’t know if I’ve done this right.
Sometimes I wonder what in the world I’m doing…in everything.
Am I making any good decisions?
Even my daily decisions seem suspect at times. How come I can’t get things done or manage my household well? Rarely do I feel successful at the whole house manager thing…and I’m dreadfully tired of survival mode.
I never imagined how difficult it would be to live this single parent life. It is a million decisions, big and small, and there just isn’t any one to share the responsibilities or lighten the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual load. But God has allowed me to be here. He hasn’t called me to something He will not give me the grace to do. So what do I see as my calling in this season?
It’s kinda obvious I guess – it’s being Mom.
So how do all the other things fit into my Mama calling?
Taking care of my home is a never-ending chore, but this house provides a refuge for us. And within these walls my children are loved, trained and nurtured.
Writing is my “free” therapy! And it provides me with an outlet, some great blessings, and the opportunity to comfort with the comfort I’ve been given.
My classes…ugh. Other than providing me with the opportunity to accumulate stress and sleeplessness, they have the potential to help me better provide financially for my children and myself both now and in the future.
I guess those classes aren’t so bad – they have promise for the long range, but I’ll tell you, in the day to day my fanny is getting kicked.
Honestly, I’m just overwhelmed and fussy…I know I’m blessed to be taking classes. I’m blessed to have the opportunity to provide for my family. I’m blessed to occasionally get to write.
I am blessed.
Maybe instead of fretting, I will pray that God will enable me to do all that He has called me to do. That He will give me wisdom on what can slide so I can focus on the most important 5 things in my life. That He will give me some rest…some much needed rest.
I think during this season, I’d also like to ask God to shine His love and peace through me to my children. Today I wasn’t so much about peace…I was so much about panic.
What am I doing? How in the world am I going to get all this done? Will my children ever notice the mess around them and help? Have I made the right decisions? How many things have I forgotten to do today?
But I do trust God…I guess the problem is I don’t trust myself. But I have the Holy Spirit to guide me so what am I worried about? God will use my decisions in some way for His glory and my good…no matter how goofy they are.
I trust Him. I trust that sinful me is loved by Holy Him.
I trust that He will always, always love, forgive, provide for, and be with me.
I trust that He is going to take care of my children.
I feel a deep, deep sigh at that.
I’m so thankful…yup, even this 2nd guessing self is feeling some peace. God is good.
uptomytoes 
I find that I survive best by counting assignments, and just focusing on one semester at a time. Anymore can feel overwhelming. I’m right there with you though–who knew taking 5 courses during the summer would turn out to be a really bad idea? Thankfully, 1’s down, and 2 end in two weeks, but still. I’m not even sure how my head is above water right now, but it is. You and I will both survive. And we’ll be better–better humans, better mothers, better contributors to society. Lastly, don’t forget to take time for yourself. It is so, so terribly easy to get caught up with kids and school, (they ARE important, after all) forgetting about the one person who needs an extra second because she’s the one keeping it all together…
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Kari,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and encourage me! You rock! Too bad we aren’t still neighbors – we could study together…or at least complain about studying together :)!
Miss you neighbor!
Sue
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Hang in there. You are doing a good thing. Taking care of your children’s current and future needs . . . seeking help for special needs and looking to your own retirement. That is quite a lot. May the Lord give you strength and energy and patience today and in the days ahead.
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Anne,
Thank you so much for your prayer particularly for energy! I had a friend give me a 5-hr energy drink but I haven’t tried it yet…sticking with coffee, tea, and Coca-cola :)! I think God’s energy will be much better!
In Him,
Sue
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I am so encouraged by the honesty of your blog it gives powerful insight into the everyday
All around us are those who are in their own race. And we are so unaware as you continue to be open and transparent God in his almighty hand will sustain you
Their has been a time of great aloneness in my life I can testify that in that I learned to trust God deeply
This day I pray for Gods divine touch upon you and your Family you are Loved
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Thank you so very much for your prayers and encouragement!
In Him,
Sue
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I found your blog a few weeks ago – just at exactly the right time. God’s timing I guess. My husband left our 3 children and myself 11 days ago and your words ring so true. Single parenthood is not what I wanted and it IS a million decisions all day long. Some days I feel like I am going to drown under the pain and the decisions I have to make alone now, as well as be there for his mum and dad who are as devastated as we are.
So I guess this is just a ‘thank you’ – for being honest and open about the struggle it is, and i will continue to follow you and know that there are others out there, and if they can get through, so can I.
God bless you in your writing and studies,
Hazel
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Hazel,
I’m so very sorry that you are walking this difficult path. I’m praying for you to feel God’s peace, to know His strength, and to rest in His presence. And that He will very clearly guide you (and me :)!) every moment of the day.
In Him,
Sue
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Sue,
I will pray for rest and sanity! I have taken over a year off from trying to add more endorsements to my teaching certificate. I am looking at going back to finish it with a Masters for the same reasons as you, but I also know how hard the work load is especially online classes. You are right to stay on top of the work it was late night after the kids had gone to bed or a little during a rest time, which was not often. But the time will pass and look what you will have to show! If you are not passed out by then, just kidding! Best thing is to stay the coarse and you are strong and God will be there to pull you up and I will also cheer you on!! So glad you had a minute to share.
Shanda
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Shanda,
Thank you so much for the encouragement and a good laugh! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? 🙂
In Him,
Sue
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I have been so encouraged by your blog! I am a single mom of FIVE kiddos as well. I am planning on attending school this fall. Yesterday I was second guessing myself…ALOT. “Am I making a good decision”, “Will I still have time for my kids”, “what if’s…” & I also have a kiddo that is not crazy about me going to school! But then I read your blog in my email yesterday! I am so thankful to have “sisters” in Christ that I can relate to. I really don’t understand the “big picture” but I can truly rest in God and know that He will provide. Everyday I feel like it takes all I have to keep going but Gods been good & he has placed a great support system around me and the kids. Thank you for your encouragement through your blog, may God continue to bless you and those kids!
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You Go Girl! I will be praying for your classes this fall! God will take care of it all and He will provide…wishing He’d provide a little more sleep on this end LOL!
Thank you so much for encouraging me and sharing!
In Him,
Sue
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