Today I feel done.
I am done.
Done with disrespect and disobedience and difficulties.
Done with trying to reason with teenagers.
Done with trying to reign in kindergarteners.
Done with trying to make decisions.
Done with trying to get organized.
Done with cleaning up the mess my ex-husband has made.
Done with trying to understand how to parent all these children alone.
Done with trying to figure out how to do this life with any sense of grace, composure, or patience.
There are so many things to think about and do…I’m tired. I just wish I could take a timeout and have a replacement come in for a bit of this game. Being a single parent is hard.
I had to confront a child today on cell phone usage and school issues. Golly, you would have thought that cell phone was her only source of oxygen.
I wanted to work with her and help her develop a plan to exercise responsible use of her phone and her schoolwork. Instead I was met with all those stereotypical teenage responses. Those responses which make my head close to exploding.
Until about 4 months ago, my daughter was not stereotypical…and then boys entered the picture, and cheerleading, and that blasted cell phone.
I hate technology.
I want my children to be able to contact me while they are with their dad, but…ugh…I hate cell phones.
Unfortunately it has become, to some of my children, a right not a privilege. And what a colossal waste of time this “right” offers!
She is avoiding responsibilities and school work. My sweet, sweet daughter has become a very entitled, insecure young woman. She does not believe she is smart and therefore has no vision for what her life can become. At 15 that is a bit disconcerting. I know that her self-esteem and image issues have a lot to do with our family’s situation, but it doesn’t help me know how to deal with them.
I have had the most wonderful relationship with her for so long I’m floored by this new turn of events. I know my dear daughter is in there somewhere…Lord, please help me reach her.
I do know that some of her behavior is ordinary teenage angst, but I want my daughter to be extraordinary. I believe she is.
Everything I say to build her up she calls a “mom lie.” She says it’s like a mom telling her daughter she’s pretty even when she isn’t. Ugh. That so isn’t true. My daughter is smart, talented, and beautiful inside and out. She just doesn’t see it or feel it.
I’m broken-hearted for my darling daughter. I cannot be her father as much as I try to…I’m a miserable failure at it. I cannot give to her what her dad was designed to provide.
But even as I write in my despairing state, God has laid it on my heart that He is the perfect Father for my daughter. Oh that she knew that to her core. She does not. Her faith is wobbly at best and I’m afraid I’ve failed miserably there as well. I felt certain my children would be firm in their faith because of God’s faithfulness throughout our challenges…unfortunately, I think some of my children still only see the challenges.
I’ve not pointed out His care and provision often enough. I’ve been praising Him to everyone but my children. Father, forgive me and may your grace pour over my children and all my parenting mistakes.
A friend reminded me the other day how important prayer is…how it’s vital that we pray with our children and allow them the privilege of seeing God answer. I’m sitting her realizing that although at this point my daughter and I have made up, we have not prayed together. How is that even possible that I didn’t pray with her?
I think I best stop typing and go pray with my daughter…to show her that my strength and hers is from the Lord…that He cares about all these big and little issues…and He will answer. And I think I’ll also remind her of who she is in Christ…beloved, precious, God’s workmanship, more than a conqueror, able to do all things in Christ, forgiven and saved. She cannot say that is a “mom lie.” God said it!
Before I go, thank you so very much for listening…for allowing me to process my thoughts through my fingers, and come, as always, back to my Faithful Father and His love for me and my dear children.