A Cavity, A Concern and A Change

Why is it that a cavity in one of my children’s teeth is such a blow to my mommy self esteem?  I even prayed the dentist wouldn’t think I was a terrible parent because of it.  Really?!?  I worry too much about stupid stuff.  Now I’m worried that I’ve offended someone because I used the word stupid in my blog.  Honestly, I have issues.

The funny thing…not ha ha funny… that silly cavity in my 4-year old’s tooth was nuthin!  My 5-year old had to have a tooth pulled today because her root was infected.  Seriously?!?!  I’m like the crazy tooth brushing, flossing, fluoride swishing mommy!  Even when I do it “right”, something goes wrong!  At least she was excited to have a tooth to put under her pillow.  (I attached the picture she drew of her, the Tooth Fairy and me around her bed – she is such a precious little girl.  The note was all her idea.  I even gave her a hard time about not being in her bed because I thought she was doodling — loser mom moment. ugh.)

I realize that I think too much about what other people might be thinking and, truly, what a waste of the limited brain power I have.  If you look at me without smiling I’m likely to assume you are disappointed with me…angry at me…frustrated with me… maybe you even heard that I used the word stupid in my blog.

Recently a couple of friends have asked if I’m doing okay. I can tell by their tone of voice, tilted head and sweet expression that they really mean to say, “You seem like more of a wreck than usual.  Wanna talk about it?”

In trying to discern what exactly might have caused my friends’ concern, I realized that lately I’ve been pretty introspective and a bit weary (and by “a bit” – I mean A LOT).  I’m usually quite bubbly and lately I’m fairly beat down.  I feel like I can’t catch my breath – running from thing to thing and thought to thought.  All this running makes me a tad anti-social (and by “a tad” – I mean a tad).  I still talk to friends, text friends and when possible grab a moment of face to face with friends, but I feel a pressure I haven’t before.  I must get things in order…I must get things under control…I must get rid of things!  So much to do and so little time has taken on a reality I haven’t known before.  If you know me, you know that I’ve been living at warp speed for a little over 3 years now.  What changed?  Still trying to figure that out.  I believe to some degree it is just life — new challenges, new issues and new responsibilities.  But I also believe God is preparing me for something…I believe I’m supposed to be in a better place in so many areas of my life so that God can use me in greater ways.  I believe I need to get my house in order, my finances in order, my life in order so that I can best serve Him, love Him and glorify Him through my life, my family and my ministry.

I’ve wanted to be one of those hyper-organized, super moms forever…I’m just not her.  It’s pretty funny (again, not ha ha funny) when I think of my pre-children career…I was a conference planner.  I swear I used to be a super-organized person (I don’t really swear…I mean…not REAL swear words…Oh no! I’ve probably offended someone…)  Back then I was actually organized.  Now….ummm…well, at least I want to be organized.  Golly, I want to be Mary Poppins – practically perfect in every way.

I recognize that my life is not conducive to perfection in any realm, but I’d like to feel less stress because of clutter, less stress because of activities, less stress because of to-dos.  I basically just want less stress!!! I find myself saying, “Just do it, Sue.  Just gitterdone.”  That seems to be half the battle – focus and do it.  Just do it!  Just throw stuff away. Just sign up for a few things not everything.  Just  say no.  Just make the call.  (Makes me think of Nike and saying no to drugs – focus Sue!)

One of my friends always says, “Do a little. Do it well.”  I’m more “Do a lot. Do it ok.”  I’m changing things though.  I want change to happen immediately, but it will be  a process. Baby steps. One room at a time.  One project at a time.  One to do list at a time.  I’ll make my lists (because I’m a lunatic list lady) and then I’ll tackle them.  I’ll prioritize and then I’ll get busy getting it done.  Then maybe I can get back to the self who loves on her friends a bit better!  And who isn’t worried about what the dentist, or anyone else, thinks!  (I can hope can’t I!?!)