working mom

Changing Me

/ Sue Birdseye / 1 Comment

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What if something could change so that I wasn’t so very overwhelmed?

What would it be?

I’m not talking about the things that would make life easier like not having to work, having a nanny and a cook, or receiving a ton of money.  I’m talking about the realistic things.  The things that could actually happen.

Yesterday was one of those days when I wondered if I will ever get to a place where I don’t feel as though my head or my heart could explode at any minute.  My mind swirls and my heart pounds and I just want to get past it all.  I just want to get to a different place.  A peaceful place.

I don’t want to get rid of children, move (Ugh – no more moving!), or significantly change my life…I want to change myself.

I’m wondering if it is possible for me to change myself.  I mean really change myself.  I can make some changes to get healthier, set a better schedule, get organized, and make better choices in other areas…but can I really and truly change who I am?

My circumstances have impacted the woman I am.  After my husband left I became a more focused, peaceful woman even in the midst of the chaos that was my life.  Then I became a stressed-out single working mom.  I waffle between those two a lot.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve finally caught that perfect peace only to find that it has escaped my grasp again.  Once again I’m a jaw-clenching crazy woman .

This past weekend there was a difficult moment with one of my children (who will not be named).  I was angry, frustrated, and tired.  My middle son said, “Momma, your jaw is clenched.  You need to stop doing that.  It isn’t good for you.”

He was right.

It was clenched.

He is right.

It isn’t good for me.  Or anyone else in my vicinity.

It means I’ve let go of peace and grabbed hold of overwhelmed.

Why do I go there?  How do I not?  I honestly don’t know.  Well, I do know why I go there…I’m tired and for the life of me I can’t figure out how to get five things crossed off my to-do list before ten more things are added.

I keep saying, “This is the day!  This is the day I get all these things done!”

Inevitably, something comes up to ruin my plan.  Why, Lord?  Why can’t one day be SUPER productive?

Just. One. Day.

But there are other people in my mix…other people who have and need things…soccer practice, summer school, fitness training, job interviews, school preparations, dentists, doctors, chiropractors, ophthalmologists, house repairs, errands (I. Hate. Errands.), and enumerable other little things that disrupt my well-planned day.

But it really isn’t just about not getting things done.  It’s about me.  It’s about how I respond to disappointments and disappointing others.

Oh how I can’t stand to disappoint people…to let someone down…to make someone angry.  I know we would probably all like to avoid disappointing or angering others, but I wonder if this is way too big an issue for me.

Every dirty look from one of my teenagers makes my heart hurt.

I have friends who I have disappointed because I can’t find time to visit or I’m not doing things the way they think I should…and I hear their disappointment and frustration with me.  Sometimes I understand it, sometimes I don’t.  It almost makes me feel worse when I don’t.

I feel frantic to understand what I did wrong…because often I don’t even know.  I feel like I’m running in circles to please, take care of, and love on everyone…but it never seems to be enough.

And lately I feel like no matter how hard I try, I always have someone irritated, angry, or disappointed with me.

It’s exhausting.

People-pleasing is a bummer.

I want to be a God-pleaser.

I don’t want to worry about what other people think of me…and I don’t want to worry about other people leaving me…and I don’t want to worry about making everyone under the sun happy.

In the process of all that worry and work, I’m losing myself…wrecking myself.  Last night, I got all weird in the head and started worring that I might actually make myself pretty sick from all this craziness.

It can’t be good for my health…all this worry and anxiety.

So what is the thing or things that are going to change?  How am I going to become the woman of peace I want to be?

“He will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.”  Isaiah 26:3-4

I come back to this verse a lot.  I believe God wants me to make it my life verse.

The Recipe for Peace:

A mind focused on Christ

Trust

A God who is my eternal Rock of refuge

A focused mind.  God continually reminds me that my eyes need to be fixed on Him.  How often I’m like Peter walking on the water…eyes on Jesus…then the lightening crashes and the thunder booms and a wave crashes over my toes and my eyes dart to the storm clouds…I look back to the boat and wonder how fast I can run back before I sink…

All the while, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, is the answer to my fear…the answer to my need.

Jesus.

He is there.  His eyes never leave me.  He never turns His gaze away from me.

I doubt life will calm down anytime soon – if it does, that’d be awesome! – but, again, doubtful.

Looking to and at Him seems to be the answer to all the questions.

Me changing me?  Probably not going to happen without my focus changing from anxious, overwhelmed, fussy me looking at all the things and people in my life to calm, peaceful, content me looking at Jesus.

Do not be anxious about anything but in everything through prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

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Awful weeks…beware.

/ Sue Birdseye / 10 Comments

winter treeWe have all had those weeks.

You know the ones…where not a single thing goes well.  Where awful seems to be the word that describes most things, if not all things.

Last week would qualify as one of those weeks.  Awful, awful, awful.

But in just a few short days God has provided some relief…some peace in the storm.

I’m afraid I might be struggling a bit more than I ever have.  I’m finding a sense of hopelessness invading at times, and it is disarming.

Even as my head knows that I serve a loving and faithful God who will indeed make good out of everything, I struggle.

After 6 years of this nutty life, I’m just tired.

The last several months have been very difficult…in some ways more difficult than anything else in the past several years.

I’ve mentioned all the changes before so I won’t bore you with a litany of my challenges.

One of the biggest thing has been feeling so very alone.

I’m surprised how alone I can feel surrounded by people.

I continually remind myself of the good that has come from our move here.  How having this job is wonderful.  How my children being in great schools is wonderful.  How having a new beginning is wonderful…I think.

But…there are so many buts.

The other night I spoke with a friend and poured out my heart.  How deeply unhappy I feel right now…how alone and hopeless.

How I desperately want to be near my dear friends who now are far away.  How I desperately want to make new friends but cannot find the time to spend a moment away from work or family or school.  How things I thought would be blessings, safe places, and peace of mind seem like anything but.

There is that dang but again.

This friend told me that I need to figure this out  with God – that no one else can help me.  I know that’s right…getting my head and heart in the best place can only happen with God.  But I have to be honest and say that I really want people in my life… I had that. I left that.

This is a hard place and sometimes I wonder if I have made a huge mistake.

But I just have to believe God led me here.

Usually, if not always, the reason is to bring me closer to Him.

How I desperately want to be closer to Him.  But I can’t seem to find the time like I used to.  When life changed 6 years ago, I stayed up late and got up early to spend time in the Word.  I was so much more on top of things.

I just feel almost frantic for sleep…which is always in short supply.  I can’t seem to get everything done in a day.  Sleep deprivation is merely a time thing.  There just isn’t enough time for sleep.

In the past I would have advised someone to just forego a little of that precious sleep for time in the Word.  I would still say that is ideal, but now that I’m here in this place…this sleep deprived, overwhelmed, way-too-busy, frustrated single working old mom place…I don’t know how to do it myself.

I’m at a loss.

A few weeks ago I managed to get to bed at 9:30, mostly because I was sick, but I woke up at 5 and had an hour to study and pray.  It was a great day.  I had that peace that passes understanding thing.

I know that if I get time in the Word I do life better.  If I pray, I have perspective.

I have to figure it out.  I just have to.

I know I’m going to come back to that place of just do it.  Just pray already!  Pray and ask God for His leading, His provision, and His strength.

Golly, it’s easy to say that…easy to say I’m just gonna pray more and get in the Word more.

I think if I look back at my other blogs, I’d find myself saying that A LOT!

It’s my life lesson – pray, seek God and rest in Him.

I’m finding it difficult, but God can help me.

And what has come to mind are all those verses with the phrase, “But God…”

For while we were still weak, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person – though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die – but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 8:6-8

What a blessed reminder that even though I struggle so in my life, God still shows me His love.  He loves me.  Flawed, sinful me.  How thankful I am that I can repent of my sins…of my wallowing and wailing and whining.  Recently, I heard about 4 different people in various venues discuss repentance.  I think I need to consider it more.  I’m praying that God will open my eyes to areas in my life in need of repentance.  I’m praying that God will give me strength to stand firmly against temptation and to withstand trials with a steadfast spirit and a gentle heart.

I’m praying for change…godly change.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.  Genesis 50:20

What a glorious reminder that somewhere in this mixed-up mess of a life, God is going to bring about good.  I have to keep reminding myself that that promise doesn’t mean that I will see the good right away…or maybe even ever.

I haven’t been in a good place to receive this anywhere but God’s word.  You know what I mean?  I don’t always graciously accept the comment, “God has a plan in all this…”  I think because I know it already…I just sometimes don’t get it or feel it.  Sometimes I just want someone to say, “Man, your life is not awesome!”  And then I can say, “I know, right!?”

But God, He can say it.  He can remind me a thousand times and it is always welcomed and comforting.

I have to get back to trusting Him for the good I can’t see.

I’m still going to pray for glimpses of the good for my kids and me, and that our faith will be encouraged by the way God uses this difficult time in our lives.

And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts.” Luke 15:15

Oooo, this verse got me.  Jesus was talking to the Pharisees who were lovers of money and were ridiculing Him.  I’m sure there are many ways to apply this verse, but today God has reminded me that He knows my heart.  That no matter how I try to justify my behavior, He knows what is really going on.  He always knows more about what’s going on in me than I do.  I very rarely understand what or why or when or whatever…I confuse myself.  But God knows me…and He loves me with an everlasting love.

How in the world is that possible?  Another thing I can’t grasp, but am so thankful to know.

God knows me and loves me still…I don’t know if I will ever truly grasp that, but I see it…I experience it.

This week started off as a continuation of last week which was one of THOSE weeks.  And I feared for my sanity, but God did a blessed thing for me.  THREE snow days!  Three days to catch up.  Three days to sleep as late as my little ones would allow me to sleep.  Three days to wear jeans and slippers.  Three days.  What a blessing!

And during these blessed snow days, I’ve had the opportunity to have conversations with friends from far away.  Friends who have encouraged me and even understood the depth of my emotions.  Friends who have offered prayers and comfort. I’m so thankful for godly women in my life.

And I’ve been blessed with time with my children…sledding, snowball fights, and Uno.   IMG_7875

And I’ve been blessed to spend time in the Word.  Much needed time in the Word.  I hope I can start good habits in these three days.  Sleep and study.

So awful weeks beware….I’m acutely aware you will come…probably more often than I’d like…and I’m not going to face you unprepared.

Those weeks…or even days…are opportunities to seek God.  And seek Him I will…sleep deprived or not.

I Need Therapy…of sorts.

/ Sue Birdseye / 15 Comments

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This is gonna sound funny….but I feel like I’ve written all this before…its like deja vu in blogging – which is weird.   So if I have said this all before, word for word, forgive me please.   It totally is where I am apparently AGAIN.

Right now I should be preparing for my first formal observation or sleeping, but instead I find myself opening a new totally blank Word document.  It has been a long time since I’ve had a moment to jot down any thoughts, but I find myself needing some “writing therapy” badly.

Tonight was a difficult night…there are a lot of those lately…I think I know why.  I know that all these transitions have been very difficult on some of my children and they are acting out.  Unfortunately, all these transitions have been difficult on me and I’m acting out too.

There once was a time that I would consider myself a gentle and patient mother.  Although I’d be hard-pressed at this point to remember when that was.  It just seems like I’ve been living in a perpetual state of annoyance and frustration…which makes me anything but gentle.

I’m finding myself close to tears more than not.  I’m a dam ready to burst.  And I’m afraid of the day that it happens, because the occasional trickling and leaking is pretty discouraging and quite a sight to behold.

There are days I just want to holler, “I can’t do this anymore!”  Not even I don’t want to…I can’t.

Actually, I’ve said that a lot.  God has heard that refrain often over the past few months.  And yet each morning I get up and do what needs to be done…not necessarily with a good attitude and definitely without a lot of sleep, but I do it.  And the only reason that I can is because God enables me to…otherwise I’d be hiding under the covers, no, make that under the bed or in the closet or in the attic…somewhere where I’d be very hard to find.

I want desperately to do the mommy-thing well, the teacher-thing well, the student-thing well, the daughter, sister, friend things well.  I don’t think I’m doing any of them with much success, or consistent success.  I definitely feel like the fussy mommy, the scatterbrained teacher, and the pathetic student, and the nut job daughter, sister friend right now.

I hate to even write that – I feel like I should have a better attitude about myself.  I am God’s precious daughter – not a failure.  It just feels like I am.

But are my feelings accurate?  I don’t think so.  In fact, I know they aren’t.  Even if they aren’t accurate, I do know my feelings well…and they are all over the place sometimes.

I wish that I could figure out how to get out of this funk.  I just don’t see a way.  I don’t see a way for more sleep or rest or even quiet.  I don’t see a way for more time to study, prepare, or assess.  I don’t see a way to spend more time with my children…more calm, fun and less harried, less stressed time.  I don’t see how to get my house ready to sell so I can move into a better living situation.  I don’t see how to do anything easily or quickly.

We are in a difficult living situation right now and I don’t know how to change it yet.  My job is time-consuming (to put it mildly) and sometimes I feel so confused and behind and overwhelmed by all that needs to be done and all that I want to do.  My children all need me desperately and I want to give them so much more than I feel capable of giving right now…I’m running on empty.  (A description that doesn’t match with my dam bursting…how about empty of everything but tears.)

I believe this is a part of single parenting…the difficulty of doing it all.  And, unless you have been a single parent, it truly is hard to comprehend or understand.  Lately, a lot (A LOT) of people have given me advice, mostly unsolicited.  I really would prefer not to be told what I need to change or not change, to think or not think, to pray or not pray, to do or not do, to feel or not feel…honestly, I think I’d rather just pray and read the Word to get that information.  But, I think because I’m single and harried people feel they must help…sometimes that help is so hurtful though.  Just being honest.  (I digress…I believe that last paragraph should be a different blog – but here it is anyway!)

Okay, so now I’ve shared all my fussiness with you, what do I do now?  How in the world do I move beyond this emotional, difficult, overwhelming, and frustrating place?

Honestly, I don’t think I can.

I don’t think that I can change much about my life and maybe I’d feel a whole lot better if I stopped thinking that I could.

I don’t believe that God wants me to spend my time trying to figure out how to get out of the life I’m living.  I believe He wants me to LIVE…live where He has me with His strength, peace, hope and love in my life.

This week I’m trying to remember that my God is sovereign.  Not only sovereign, but good and faithful.  That even though I’d really like to “fix” my situation, I’m beginning…just beginning…to get the fact that I don’t need to fret.  Oh, how I fret!  After all the many ways God has shown himself faithful, I find myself continually twisted up inside like a pretzel…worried, anxious, frustrated.  How and why is that even possible?

I’ve been trying and trying and trying to make things happen, but things don’t seem to be moving forward like I thought they would.  I keep having to wait on things…I hate waiting.  Really.

But tonight…I’m reminding myself that God will only call me to wait if it is best.  And I want best. Best is best.

So tonight, I’m going to bed in a few minutes and I’m determined to sleep more than 6 minutes.  In the morning I’m going to pray hard and trust God’s goodness and timing…but I’m also going to pray hard that things get better, easier, and less stressful.

I can trust Him.  My God is good all the time…all the time!

Hanging by a Thread

/ Sue Birdseye / 7 Comments

threadTonight was exceedingly rough.  I really dislike those nights.  So instead of sleeping I decided to write.  I can’t sleep anyway…don’t want to wake up any friends…and I’ve already poured out my heart to God face first in the carpet.

I’m back to those days.

My face in the carpet days.

I don’t have a closet to hide in anymore…oh how I miss my closet.

One of the many things that broke my heart tonight was all my interactions with my littlest girl.  The transitions our family has made have been really very difficult for her.  She is feisty anyway and put a change in the mix and she’s just…well, REALLY feisty.

Unfortunately I have about 2 minutes worth of patience left at the end of the day and I can’t seem to be the mommy I want to be.

I want so much to be kind, gentle, and patient mommy, but right now I’m so blasted tired after work and staying up late to finish coursework or classwork or planning or grading or just being plain sleepless like tonight.

So I get fussy about my daughter’s fussiness and then mommy guilt comes crashing down.

I’m gone more than I am with my children.  It is yet another huge change that has occurred in my life in the past 5 years.  And, honestly, I hate it.

In my short amount of time with my children I want to love on them…and yet, this little one and I can seem to do nothing but butt heads.  According to her, I’m the meanest mommy ever.  Of course that is her response to being in trouble.

Tonight I told her that it was her choice whether she got nice mommy or mean mommy.  It sounded good in theory…at least it did about 2 seconds before I spoke it aloud.

But something seemed off…I couldn’t put my finger on it until she and I talked later.  I told her, “You have to make better choices.”  She gave me the reasons for her bad choices and all involved other people.

To which I said, ‘You can’t let other people determine how you are going to act.  Your behavior is your choice.”

Ouch.

THAT’s why my good mommy/bad mommy comment didn’t feel right.

Why does my 7 year olds’ behavior determine mine?

I’ll tell you why…I’M HANGING BY A THREAD!

Tonight as I lie in bed trying desperately to fall asleep, feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack, and begging God for something…I don’t know what…I began to pray more than I have in days, weeks.

I realized that the things that have changed in my life lately have been very good in some ways, and just so very difficult in others.  I have such guilt for working…such guilt for not providing a better situation for my children…such guilt for being tired, impatient, easily angered, and overwhelmed.

And sometimes I just want desperately to go back to life before…not even life before divorce, but life right after.  Life when everything was awful but I had perspective and peace.

I want perspective and peace again.

I know why I don’t have it though.  I haven’t made any time to pray…just those “Hail Mary” prayers I make on a daily basis.

I don’t make time to be in the Word – that would make such a difference.  I really need to do that…forgo more sleep I suppose.  Ugh, how is that even possible?

I don’t really know but that will be my first prayer…that God would provide time in the Word.

My second will be that God would provide time with my children…good, fun time with my children.

My third will be that God will enable me to handle the responsibilities He has given me with more grace and peace.  (I’m too afraid to pray for patience).

My fourth will be that God gives me perspective on my life…that I will remember that He is sovereign and I am not.  Good gravy – I have control issues.

I made decisions based on the knowledge that I had.  I trusted that God was leading me.  I did that whole step out in faith thing.  And although tonight I’m a mess, I know that God led me.

I just need to keep reminding myself that just because things are hard doesn’t mean that they are wrong.

I need to handle things better. God has given me the tools to handle things…His word, His strength, His wisdom, His peace.

I need those things very much.

And God gives them…just need to ask.

I’m asking.

Still hanging by a thread….but I’m thinking now it might be changing to a thread of hope.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Romans 12:12

Blissfully Aware

/ Sue Birdseye / 2 Comments

clutterSomeone shared with me recently that if a fire fighter trips and hurts himself while trying to save you from your burning house, you can be sued…for a lot of money.

I’m not sure why my friend shared that with me…well, maybe it was a subtle encouragement regarding the clutter in my home.

Golly, I hope my house doesn’t catch on fire ’cause I’d get sued for sure!

There’s just something about the hallway upstairs…it’s full of tripping hazards. Laundry, books, baskets of odds and ends, piles of dirty clothes, towels (damp and dry), an occasional doll, parts of games, sometime a pair of shoes or just one, and a basket of a ridiculous amount of odd socks.

The most confounding thing is that my children are oblivious! Honestly, I believe it’s all invisible to them. What is that?

And why don’t I have it?

What a blessing blissfully unaware would be!

Unfortunately I’m exceedingly aware of the messiness and all the tripping hazards…and it’s driving me bonkers.

Of course, being driven bonkers implies that it’s my destination…I think bonkers is the vehicle I’m riding in.

I just can’t figure out if I’m driving it or riding in it!

I’ve always wanted an organized, beautiful home. Who doesn’t?!
In the past I wanted order in my home for different reasons. I wanted our home to be a restful place for my husband when he returned from work and for my children to know the joy of a peaceful environment. I also wanted to be able to offer hospitality on a whim.

Now I want my house to be nice because I don’t want to lose any more of my mind….really.

This past week has been exceedingly busy and it culminated with the stomach bug hitting. Right now, our house is not as lovely as I’d like. And, to some degree, I’m okay with that.

But on another degree (is that even a saying?) it’s really stressing me out. And it isn’t because people are going to stop by – I’m pretty sure the flu has stopped anyone from dropping in!

It’s because this life is so crazy…I don’t want my house to be too.

A messy house = a terribly impatient mother.

It’s like I become as messy emotionally and mentally as my home.
I keep trying to point it out to my children but they aren’t getting it.

I’m not sure why because I can certainly tell I’m impatient and irritated easily.

Maybe this is another case of them being blissfully unaware.

Maybe I need to be a bit blissfully unaware too.

There was a season a few years ago right after my husband left when I was. I whittled life down to the essentials and the house being immaculate was not an essential….at all.

Essential was defined as loving my children with my actions, words, and time spent together.

In thinking back, I’m realizing it was a choice. I chose to focus on the people in my life instead of the things.

I want to choose that place again.

I don’t have to be blissfully unaware of my surroundings, but I’d like to be blissfully aware of my children.

My children are much more important than the clutter they create.

I could start by figuring out what absolutely needs to be done and working with my children in a gracious and organized way to get it done!

I could choose to spend time with them rather than spending all my time fussing about the house. Honestly I do feel like I spend all if not most of my time grumping about the house. My poor children!

I could pray that God would calm my mind and heart so I could hear His leading on this. I know He desires me to bring everything to Him and He truly does care about all my silly and not so silly stuff.

Lord, there’s so much to do and I don’t want to be only doing. Father, I want to be momma more than housekeeper. Please help me use my time wisely and efficiently so I can focus on the precious people in my life rather than the things that literally trip me up!