The other day I was reading the story of Elijah and the Baal priests. How God rained down fire from heaven and burned up an altar saturated with water. How Elijah prayed and God answered. How Elijah was blessed to see the power of God first hand and to be a part of the display of God’s great glory!
And I thought how much I want to see God do amazing things in my life, and how I’m seeing now that He really does already do great things.
Today…I feel like the Elijah that appears only a few verses later…the Elijah that ran away.
So God showed up BIG time and proved who is the one true God. After the people respond positively, Elijah takes all the prophets of Baal down to a creek and kills them. And then Jezebel, the queen over all those Baal prophets sent Elijah a message, “So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.” (1 Kings 19:4)
And do you know what Elijah’s response was? Just a few verses after the Lord did His “in your face” thing with the water and the altar and the fire…this is what the Bible says about Elijah:
“Then he was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life…”
As my students would say, “Wait, what?”
Yup. Ran for his life…afraid of Jezebel.
As if the power of God was all used up in that last miraculous display and now there is no more to protect Elijah from Jezzy.
And then Elijah does this…
“But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough, now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.”
Elijah sounds like he is despairing…He sounds weary and tired and afraid.
And right now…honestly, I feel a little bit like that as well.
I’ve been trying ever so hard to focus on the good in my life…to see where God is working. And I do see it, like Elijah.
But this life looks like its not getting easier any day soon and I feel so tired already and so weary, and so afraid of not being able to do it well…and so alone in this battle.
This was the first full week of everyone and everything going a thousand miles an hour and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed thinking about the coming years…how this pace isn’t going to change for a while yet.
And this weekend…Sunday is my dad’s birthday. And then in a little more than a week it will be the anniversary of his death. And I miss him so much. I always miss him, but today I miss him a lot.
He was an endearing, grumpy old man. He was the kind of man who didn’t gush and who wasn’t terribly warm and fuzzy, but I never doubted that he loved me. And somehow when he was here, I always knew that life would be okay. He was an anchor of sorts. My parents didn’t really walk with me through my husband leaving…I think sometimes it is too hard for family to understand how to unless they live next door. It all seems too surreal unless you are right there. But when my dad read my book, he talked to me about things and apologized for not being with me more. It was okay, truly, because God provided in other ways. And my dad cared for me in other ways too. He didn’t give me counsel or comfort like my friends did, but he provided me practical advice, security and protection. I miss that. I miss the security of knowing my dad would help me if I needed it.
The night my dad died I held him up as he struggled to breath. At one point I whispered, “I love you Daddy” and he whispered even more quietly back, “I love you too.” It is one of the moments of my whole life that I cherish the most. A beautiful moment in the midst of one of the worst nights of my life.
I want my dad to be here…to help me figure things out, to help me fix things, to advise me on things. He was never too busy for me. He was always willing to help me figure things out.
I don’t know what to do right now. I wish I could talk to him…to ask his advice. I don’t want to live like this right now. I feel like Elijah sometimes, “God please, it is enough now!”
It’s enough. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.
I so wish I was stronger and more able to do this life gracefully. I feel like I’m slogging. Is that even a word?
But if we keep reading in 1 Kings, we see our gracious God’s response. How I love Him!
God sent an angel to Elijah who gently woke him and gave him food and drink. Elijah ate and drank and then fell asleep. Then the angel did it again, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.”
Golly, do I feel that the journey in front of me is too great. I can’t even tell you…
But whatever God gave Elijah to eat sustained him for that journey.
“And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food for forty days and forty nights…”
If God’s angel woke me with something to eat and drink I wonder if it would be crusty bread and coke 🙂 Yum.
Seriously though, I know God wants me to understand that He will sustain me…He will uphold me….He will provide for me. He will be my refuge, peace, and strength.
I was thinking that maybe something that would help is just taking one day at a time…I can do that for some things…not sure how to do it for others.
I guess that’s where I plop myself down and pray.
But not like Elijah. Because I don’t want to end my life, I just want to make it better. Lord, help. I’m done and weary and overwhelmed.
And what I need to be okay with is that God’s plan might be that it stays this difficult and tiring. That it isn’t going to be significantly different for a while. And I need to be okay with that. Not because it’s “the right” thing to do, but because I want to be healthy and peaceful and content for my children. I don’t want to always be seeking a way out or a quick fix or a perfect situation. I want to trust that God can work even in the midst of great struggling and great exhaustion.
I definitely don’t understand so much of this life and this week has shown me that I have limits, but it has also shown me that God has given me strength and resources and I just need to trust that He will continue to strengthen me…to trust that He will continue doing amazing things in my life.
My dad might not be here, but my Father is and I know that He offers the ultimate security, protection, and love.
Trust God. Pray. Trust Him some more. That’s what I need to do.