Psalm 27:14

Got Direction?

/ Sue Birdseye / 5 Comments

photo (23)Does anyone else have a pile of book on or around their nightstand?  Mine is getting to the point of ridiculous.

Not only that but there are books on the chest at the foot of my bed, stacked in bookshelves throughout my house, and in various bags I carry around in the off chance I’ll have a moment to read.

I joke that my house is combustible.

The other day I had a moment to pick up a book, but I couldn’t figure out which one I should read…

The book to help me discern how best to raise my sons to be godly young men?

The book about helping my teenage daughter makes good and healthy decisions?

The book about learning issues for my 1st grade daughter?

The book about parenting strong-willed children for my youngest daughter?

The book about dealing with emotions for me?

The book about believing God’s word in an age of skepticism for my brain?

The books about trust or grace or peace or hope or relationships?

Or the mystery novel hidden beneath them all just waiting to be enjoyed?

I can’t even say I have a preference at this moment.  I just want to have read them all so I can already know what I need to do!

A few months ago I decided that I didn’t want to read another parenting book…ever.  And yet I have a stack of books on my nightstand that in one way or another could be considered parenting books.

I guess I just gotta admit it…I want answers.  I’m searching for direction.  I need help!!  photo 1 (2)

Right now everything is up in the air.  Literally everything.  I have no idea where God is going to lead me…how my kids are going to be educated….what I’m going to be doing…where we will be living…

It seems that all my perfect scenarios are on hold…everything is in someone else’s hands  And it would be easy for me to think that that someone else is the administrator or principal at a school, or the potential buyer of my house, or a book publisher, or any number of people in my life…

But the reality is…the REALITY is that Someone else’s hand is in control.  God’s.

And I am at once thankful for the realization and also struggling to rest in that knowledge.  It seems that God has not often done things the way I would have liked…or in the way I think would be best for us.  And I get all twisted up in knots because I want so desperately for things to go one way and I have a feeling that isn’t the way they are going to go.

photo 2 (2)

I keep having to remind myself that I TRUST GOD!  Because I do.  I do trust Him. I know I can trust Him…and I know He is going to handle all this stuff in the perfect way.  It’s just so much stuff and it is so difficult to give up control of all of it.  And yet, I don’t really want to be in charge…I hate making decisions.  I just want God to show me what to do and I’ll do it.

I think my problem is with His timing.  It seems to take Him forever to show me.  I joke that He usually reveals it to me in the 11th hour and 59th minute.  Apparently the Lord REALLY wants me to trust Him.

So I’m excited to see how my life is going to come together. I’m so very curious about where God is going to have us this fall.  I’m intrigued by how He is going to address the issues…resolve the difficulties…meet me in the struggles.

I know that He will.   He always has before.  Right now though, I just want an update.  I just want Him to reveal something…a glimpse of the plan.  But I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

I’m learning to live these verses:

I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:14

Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.  He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!  Psalm 37:5-7

Have you not know?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:28-31

I see a theme of patience.  Ugh.

Just to be honest, I have NOT prayed for patience.  (I know better. 🙂 )

Patience is not one of my virtues.  I know I have the Holy Spirit so I have that fruit in my life.  I just don’t often take bites of it.  I’m probably more likely to wing that piece of fruit at a problem rather than apply it gently.

But I believe that God is asking me to trust patiently.  And even though I know I can absolutely trust my Father…I gotta be honest that I want answers now…in fact, I wanted answers yesterday, last week, long before now.  I’ve got things to do, decisions to make, and places to go (or not go)…I need direction.

I keep thinking I’ll find it somewhere, but unfortunately I don’t believe any of the massive number of books I own are going to tell me what to do or exactly what God is going to do. photo 3 (2) I can read them though and many will remind me of how great is my God and how worthy of my trust He is!

I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again, God has a plan, it’s already in motion, and it is good!

Maybe I won’t worry about which book on my nightstand I’ll read, but rather I’ll pick up my Bible.  I’ll remind myself of my great God who has orchestrated amazing things throughout history and who will beautifully orchestrate my life and the lives of my children.  I just need to BE STILL and BE QUIET and BE READY!

Do You Really Want to be Where I Am?

/ Sue Birdseye / 14 Comments

butterfly landing on flower

“I wish I could get to where you are…I still feel so hopeless, sad, or angry.”

Whenever I hear that I want to say, “Trust me, you DO NOT want to be where I am!”

I struggle a lot with things. I have moments where I feel like disaster is imminent…where I can’t possibly do this life successfully…when my sins seem too awful…when I can’t see anything good happening.

Days filled with many more tears than laughter.

But then God shows me that He indeed has it all under control…He is working and He is loving us. And I’m reminded that this life is not about me knowing the answers, it’s about me knowing Him. And it’s about my kids knowing Him too.

Today has been a roller coaster…and it’s only noon.

There are times when curling up in a ball seems like the best position to approach the day. If only I were like an armadillo with some outer armor so I’d be safe and protected.

Today is one of those days.

I woke with such hope for the day but heartache found me fast. It’s a thousand things and nothing at all…it’s the past, the present, and the future…it’s people and things, occurrences and utterances…it’s calls and texts and emails…it’s my thoughts and sometimes my actions and words…it’s just this life.

I can’t tell you what made the curling begin, but I can tell you when I decided that I wasn’t going to curl up in a ball and cry no matter how much I wanted to.

My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Psalm 119:28


Let me go to the beginning or at least close to it.

My youngest daughter, Jane, is almost 6. She is beautiful, fun, and feisty. She is also angry, defiant, and disobedient. The past two weeks have been very difficult for her…and therefore for me too.

Even at such a young age my little girl thinks deep things and asks hard questions. She is dearer to me than I can express. I was blessed to become her momma when she was 24 hours old. I loved her the moment I heard about her.

One of the hardest things for me since my husband left is the fact that my two youngest adopted daughters have now had two father’s abandon them. My ex-husband contends that he did not abandon us, but I don’t know another word that fits the situation better. That’s certainly how we all feel.

Both girls know they are adopted. They ask lots of questions and I try and answer well. Last night Allison asked me why the lady who had her in her tummy gave her to me. I answered, “She wasn’t able to take care of you and she loved you so much she wanted you to have a mommy and a…” and I thought, “Oh Lord! Oh Lord! Why????”

While in my head I questioned God, I whispered out loud to my sweet little girl how thankful I was that God chose me to be her mommy – that God grew her in my heart – that she is a blessing. I told her how I had chosen the name Jane because it means “God’s gracious gift” and I consider her exactly that. She seemed satisfied and we cuddled close. But the ache in her heart – and mine – remains.

The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:9-10

Two of my closest neighbors have shared that my sweet little girl has asked their husbands if they will be her daddy. The other night she and I sat on the front porch weeping because her best little friend has a daddy at home and she doesn’t. She is desperately sorrowful about it. I keep telling her she has a daddy, but she maintains it is not the same. Which it isn’t.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t fix it. And it hurts.

Teach me good judgment and knowledge, for I believe in your commandments. Psalm 119:66


This morning we were having a relatively good morning when things just fell apart with a mean action towards her 7 year old sister, Marie…there were mean words and angry outbursts, discipline and prayer…but she is still so angry. I can see it. She is stealing herself inside and I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t seem to figure out how to parent my dear daughter. I feel like I do everything wrong.

Jane is angry at me. She asked this week, “Why doesn’t anyone like you Mom?” Ouch.

She feels I should have already remarried. And in her mind the fault lies with me. After all her daddy is remarried. I don’t have an answer for that except God’s way, God’s will, God’s timing and God’s man…but she’s 5 and that’s not something she grasps. JUST FIX IT MOMMY!

Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:14

As I sat this morning in her room while she sat angrily on the floor, I couldn’t help but ask God, “Why? God, why are you allowing my little girl to go through this?” I was angry, very angry, at God. I was ready to have words with Him…

I do not understand His plan. I do not understand why my children have to suffer.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5

I’m realizing that I don’t struggle as much when difficult things happen to me. I trust Him. But I am struggling to trust His plan for my children as I watch Him allow things to happen and not to happen in their lives.

Earlier this week something didn’t happen for my oldest daughter, Caroline, that again had me a little annoyed with God. I don’t understand why things just can’t seem to work out for her. She is a wonderful, wonderful young woman who is consistently being disappointed by people and events. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I don’t understand why God’s plan is to allow things to mess with her confidence. I just want one thing to go her way…one thing.

BUT I know that I can trust God. I know that the things He allows He will use for good in my children’s lives. I just don’t understand how and I feel a desperate need to catch a glimpse of how this is going to work out for them. I’m twisted in knots about it.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:5, 11

Even as I write God is reminding me of things that are going well. Things that are blessing my children. Ways He is working visibly.
For example, I have godly neighbors who love and pray for my children. The men Jane is asking to be her daddy are godly men who God will use to love and bless her. And my prayer partner and dear friend’s husband is going to take my Jane on a date next week. Another kind friend from church has asked about mentoring Caroline. I’ve been praying for someone to come alongside her for 5 years! I’m so excited I could bust. Those are good things! I forget those when I’m in the middle of things.

I forget a lot in the middle of my emotions.

But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deed of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. With the mighty deeds of the Lord GOD I will come; I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone. Psalm 71:14-16


I forget that God has been faithful…God has loved us in innumerable ways…God has provided for us over and over again. I hate that I forget and get all mixed up with my emotions.

When Caroline and I were working through her sorrow and disappointment earlier this week, I reminded her of all the good things we have and we were comforted that God loves us and takes care of us.

So at the beginning-ish of this post I mentioned that I remember the moment when I decided I wasn’t going to have a curl-up-and-cry kinda day.

It was the moment right after I was sitting with my angry little girl and I was mentally yelling at God. I looked at my little girl and I realized that I want her to run to God and love Him with all her heart, soul, mind, and strength…I want her to trust Him. He is the ONLY answer to all our struggles. Where else would we go?

You know that difficult place of questioning God and not trusting His goodness? Well I’m not going to go there.

I’m just not.

At least I’m going to try hard not to.

I want to show my children what it looks like to run to God rather than curling up in a ball. I want to show them that God will bless us through our difficulties…that He will provide hope for us.

He will take care of our children and be all that they need. He will give us the protection we need as we stand firm…no need to curl up in a ball! He will lead us and love us.

Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Psalm 24:4-5