Divorce Survival

Rivers and Fires

/ Sue Birdseye / 4 Comments

I’m currently sitting on my bed with the gentle light of the afternoon sun leaning through lace sheers…quiet and subtle. My Bible open once again to Isaiah because that is the book that has most often reached into the depth of what my heart is feeling and unlocked hope and healing and who I am. 


The pages fall open easily to Isaiah 43….do not fear, you are mine, I am with you, you are precious, honored, I love you…words that are a soul balm that speak to a heart once broken but becoming whole again.

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. Isaiah 43:1

Isaiah is a book that speaks to life as it really is…full of joys and heartaches, mess and miracles, and loneliness and love.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

Isaiah deals with the times we struggle and wonder if we will even survive much less thrive. Flooding emotions that threaten to overwhelm the already weary. Fires that can heat up quickly and unexpectedly and make life feel a little burnt around the edges. These past years have been filled with passing through rivers and walking through fires. And yet, no one has drowned and no one has been burned because God is who He says He is and does what He says He does. 

I’m no longer surprised by rivers or fires…they are almost expected now…a fairly consistent part of life. Deep or shallow, there are rivers to wade through. Big or small, there are fires to walk through.  

It is odd to say but I think I’m used to them now. Used to the tickling of water on my toes as another river is set before me. The rivers aren’t daunting anymore because no matter how inconsequential or massive the river before me is, God does not let it overwhelm me completely…but rather just enough to know He is the One to handle it all, not me. 

Once someone told me that they thought I live as a victim. I had to think about that a bit, but I don’t think I do. I live in a reality that sometimes requires me to face more challenges than I’d like. But its just life. It doesn’t mean I don’t still smile, joke, and hope. There is no one to blame, not even God. Life is just what it is. Not perfect.

That does not mean that there aren’t moments of wondering what in the world God is doing. Why my children have to struggle so much with things…why I can so easily feel a failure at all my roles…why there is always one appliance broken or why the floor can’t be flat or why the car can’t be without wonky noises.

And although these things are nuisances, annoying, and getting old, really in the grand scheme of things, I’m seriously blessed. I’m continually reminded it is all about perspective…my focus. For the last ever so many years, God keeps bringing me back to Isaiah 26:3 (Amplified):

You will keep in perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You [in both inclination and character], Because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation].

I can’t begin to determine how many times God has brought that verse to mind. He is continually holding my face in His gentle hands and pulling my eyes to His and reminding me once again that the only true peace is found in Him. Nothing else. 

Like Peter who when he focused on Jesus could actually walk on water, I can travel forward through the rivers and fires when my eyes are fixed on Jesus. 

“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” 

Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  Matthew 14:29-31

Golly is it ever easy to glance away…just to see how high the water has gotten or the flames have reached…to worry about my children and their very real struggles and challenges, to wonder if there is any way to help them, to make things work better…to find a rescuer here who can come fix pipes, jerry-rig appliances, identify weird noises, and maybe just fix up most of my mess. To find solid arms to rest in. Figure out when and how to write a best seller so finances are no longer an issue (That one might be a stretch.)

When I focus on Jesus…I see the love in my life, the blessings, the joy, the companionship, the peace that passes understanding.

A friend once told me that my family is like a beautiful chaotic bubble of love. I thought that was sweet, but that chaotic bubble of love can also be just plain chaotic…and sometimes it can burst! It is lovely though. The thought. Because regardless of the messiness of one parent and five children and all the personalities, thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, and such, we love each other completely. We annoy the heck out of each other, but it is all bathed in love. I am blessed.

My home is never ever ever perfect…my kitchen floors look more like a funhouse floor, two Golden Retrievers ensure there will always be a coating of dust on every surface, the dishwasher hasn’t worked in over a year so dishes in the sink are fairly constant, there is always laundry in some state somewhere, and everything (including me) is a bit worn and weary. BUT none of that stops us from celebrating a week survived. Friends who feel at home even when it isn’t perfect. That is a blessing. 

Sometimes I don’t want to write about my life because so much has remained the same and I don’t want people to read my words and see a complainer or a wallower or worry that they might “catch” my life. But it is my story…my calling. The living this life and the writing about it. Maybe someone else out there is feeling the same way about things…that something has to get easier soon. 

And not to be a downer or anything, but is that all there is to look forward to? An easier life…less stress, less mess, fewer challenges? I’m beginning to think that is not the goal…at least not for me. I want it to be sure…I want rest and peace and ease. I just don’t believe that is what we are called to, in fact, I’m pretty sure we aren’t. 

Trusting God is richer in this place…realizing that you got through another week, another challenge, another moment when you felt beyond able to handle it, or maybe it is just living and breathing and finding joy even when the world would look at things and wonder how. 

Yet again, I have to pause my musings and take a moment to recognize that I am blessed even as I write about my struggles and challenges…so blessed. 

It is difficult for me to not expect the same challenges and difficulties to repeat in an endless exhausting loop. But God says that he is doing a new thing…do I not see it? Honestly, sometimes I don’t. I don’t see the new thing because I’m still dealing with the catastrophes of yesterday or last month or last year  or years ago. I’m still wondering how I’m going to move forward and God is saying I’ve already made a way in your wilderness and streams in your wasteland. 

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19

There is a path forward and even when there are rivers to cross, He has got me. There will be no waves overtaking me. Even when the little fire becomes bigger, I might feel some heat, but I will not be burned. Each step is new…each is hope and faith and love bound into one confident step forward…believing that God has me.

You are my witnesses, declares the LORD, and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he, before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. I, even I, am the LORD, and apart from me there is no savior. I have revealed and saved and proclaimed – I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses, declares the LORD, that I am God. Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it? Isaiah 43:10-13

Grateful and (a little) Stressed

/ Sue Birdseye / 2 Comments

photo of trees at golden hour

Photo by Elias Tigiser on Pexels.com

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.  Romans 15:13

This morning barking dogs disturbed my semi-peaceful slumber…at 4:15 am. 

Sometimes I wonder why sleep remains so elusive for me. I found myself asking God, “Really Father? 4:15?”

I know God created me to need sleep so why can’t I have some? 

This morning after trying to ignore the noise, I decided to just get up, take a shower, make some coffee, and have my quiet time. 

I grabbed my journal and unfortunately my first thought was to begin to list my complaints, and just a few in I felt this overwhelming sense of God saying, “Trust me.”  

I stopped writing, looked up, and thought, “God, do I trust you even in this? Not getting sleep? Feeling unhealthy, exhausted, and overworked?”  

I had to say, “Oh Father, I’m so sorry…not completely.”

I trust God with a lot, but there is a fair amount I keep in the “really God?!?” pile. It’s full of the things that seem so unfair, so frustrating, so out-of-my control, so relentlessly difficult and complicated…does anyone else have this pile? And I think maybe I’ve given up a bit on that pile..resigned myself.

On top of the difficulties and struggles is this knowledge that God could easily make everything better. It would take nothing for the Creator of the world to let me sleep all night, to bless my children in all the ways I desperately want them to be blessed,  to let my house not have one more issue, to let life calm down ever so slightly so I could take a breath and get healthy…I have so many “I just don’t understand why, God” moments.

Years ago while discussing challenges in life and the questions that come with them, one of my friends asked, “Why not us? Why do we deserve a life of no difficulties?”

I get it. I even agree. But ugh. It doesn’t seem to help in the thick of things to recognize  that I don’t deserve anything or that I am blessed so much or I should be thankful for where I am, not always longing for where I want to be…I truly do believe that, but I have to live this life…survive this life. And sometimes those truths are just hard.

Recently while discussing the stress in my life, I was challenged to list what I am thankful for…it’s a challenge I’ve accepted many times, but this time I wanted to say, “That isn’t the same thing!” Having stress and being thankful for blessings are not two opposing teams. I can be grateful for many things and still stressed by my circumstances. Can’t they exist together?…if I don’t allow my stress to overwhelm my thankfulness?

I guess in truth it is easy to get overwhelmed right out of thankfulness…particularly at 4:30 a.m. I’m tired, but part of the reason I’m tired this morning is because, just as I was going to sleep last night, my 17 year old son came up to chat. We stayed up having a great conversation for over an hour. I am so very thankful for that…blessed and grateful…and also sleepy.

Do I trust that God has a plan even when I’m beyond tired? Do I trust God when things just refuse to go smoothly? Do I trust God when my children are hurting? Do I trust God when I know He could alleviate the stress, hurts, fears, and challenges, but He doesn’t? I’m asking myself again…Do I trust Him?

Honestly, it’s too easy to say yes. After all, I know it is the correct answer.

I’m just not sure.

But oh how I want to say yes. Yes, Father, I trust you! I do. I do. I do.

In my head I do trust. I trust He loves me. I trust He will do what is best.

Maybe where I’m struggling is I know that trusting Him doesn’t mean that my prayers for rest will be answered. That things might not get better even though I know He could very easily make them so.

That old standby – Philippians 4:6-7 – Do not be anxious…couldn’t it be rephrased, “Do not be stressed”? Anxious means “to be troubled with cares” – sounds like stressed to me, but lack of sleep and difficult challenges add an element of stress that isn’t necessarily anxiety…it’s just stress. Nevertheless, I know that the answer lies in this verse…because the answer is always to involve God.

God’s advice – pray, ask, be grateful – lay it all before Him and let Him give you peace that you can’t even understand. I know most of you probably already realized this, but it doesn’t say that He will fix the situation that made you anxious. It says that He will give you peace that you can’t comprehend. That kind of infers that your peace will be despite your circumstances and struggles. So I can further infer that I’m supposed to pray, ask God for what I need, be grateful for what I have, and trust Him that He will do what is best…hard truth.

There are a few other things in Philippians that speak to this…right after this exhortation, Paul says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (4:8) And if that wasn’t enough, Paul shares this, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Two things I take from that…

  1. What I think about makes a difference.
  2. A peaceful life comes from trusting God to give me strength to be content in my circumstances.

Part of my struggle is that the things that give me stress are all around me…I can’t really get away from them no matter how much I try. I’m surrounded! Maybe that is why God says to pray without ceasing…just continually give it to God.

Lord, I just desperately need sleep and it seems so impossible to get…thank you for time with you in the morning and for your sustaining even when I’m exhausted. Lord, you are always with us, I know that. And Father, I know that you love my children and me. Please Lord, would you work mightily in our lives? Show us that you care. I know you do.

Maybe that’s where I start…remind myself that God cares.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7

He cares about it all.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Through Christ, I am comforted. Lord, please help me understand what that looks like. Please allow me to feel comfort even in my stressed and grateful state.

 

Taking 4 Steps Back

/ Sue Birdseye / 3 Comments

IMG_3911Once upon a time…

There was a little girl who dreamed of being married and raising beautiful little children who would love the Lord and each other.  There wasn’t a white picket fence, but there was a big oak tree with a tire swing, a creek with tadpoles, a kitchen counter with a fresh loaf of homemade bread, and a mommy and daddy who loved each other with abandon.

Not surprisingly, that little girl was me.

It seemed for a very long time that things were headed that way…I’d jumped into the chariot, married Prince Charming, and started making beautiful babies.  The house was full – joyfully chaotic and plentiful in love.

But underneath the calm beauty of a life built together, there were secrets and hurtful things.  Sin was stealing in to destroy and devastate.

After almost 18 years of family building, it became a marriage collapse.

It was easy to assume that this marriage collapse would spell the end of this precious family.

But because God can always make beauty from ashes, we would survive…me and my little band of beauties.

We wobbled, we swayed, but we didn’t fall.  In fact, in many ways we became stronger – closer and more determined to thrive, not just survive.

Picking up the pieces after divorce is no easy task.  In fact, it’s exhausting, but the pieces, with God’s help, do fit back together.  The picture isn’t the same, but it can still be beautiful.  It can still be joyful.

My picture hasn’t fallen back into place easily.  It’s taking time.  It’s taking a bunch of perseverance and patience…things I often don’t feel I have near enough of.

There are days I still mourn my “once upon a time no more”.  There are days I still feel a deep pain in my chest when I ponder what I’ve lost.

But maybe the key is not to focus on what I’ve lost, but to realize what I have gained…been blessed with…have.

And again God brings me back to Whose I am…who I am.

It’s so easy to forget in the busyness of the day…I just feel so much without thinking.

I feel so overwhelmed.  I feel so impatient.  I feel so much pressure.  I feel such failure.  I feel such hopelessness at times.

What.  In.  The.  World????

Hopeless.

How did I get here?

I honestly don’t know…one small step after another I guess.

One step toward thinking I can handle it all.

One step away from the strength of the Lord and into the illusion of my own strength.

One step away from moments of peace and rest and into the hurried and overwhelmed moments of a day without boundaries.

One step away from prayer and into thinking I should be able to do this.

One step away from the Word and into my own wisdom, my own knowledge, my own perspective.

Taking those steps over and over again…those have gotten me here.

To this place of stress and anxious thoughts and overwhelming emotions.

How do I get back to the start…to the better place?

One step at a time…

Step one…on my knees.  Prayer is my lifeline.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Romans 12:12

 Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knowns what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:26-28

Step two…dive into the Word.  Knowing Him through His word gives me such abiding hope, often a new perspective, and the wisdom I need so desperately to lead my little band.

Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.  Psalm 50:6

If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.  John 8:31-32

Sanctify them in the truth; your word is the truth.  As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world.  And for their sake I consecrate myself, that they also may be sanctified in truth.  John 17:17

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.  2 Timothy 3:16

Step three… sit down!!  Chill…relax…rest.  Rest in the knowledge that I am His daughter.  Rest in the knowledge that He has my life in the palm of His hand.  Rest in the knowledge that He will take care of me and my children.  Rest in the knowledge that He loves me.

For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on Spirit is life and peace.  Romans 8:6

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting rock.  Isaiah 26:3-4

Step four…gratitude.  I cannot have a good attitude without gratitude.  If I would but take a moment and think about the good things…the precious people and massive number of blessings God has lavished on me…I’d see that it is quite easy to count my blessings.  But even if God had not graciously blessed me with people and things and opportunities and provision, He has blessed me with Christ…with grace and mercy, with the joy of the Lord, with salvation, with life, with hope, with peace, with eternity.  How can my lips not praise and thank Him!

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever.  Psalm 118:1

Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wonderous works to the children of man!  Psalm 107:8

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. Colossians 2:6-7  

 I know there are more steps to take…but that will get me started moving forward with grace and peace.

Lord, thank you so much that you love me regardless of my attitude or actions.  Lord, thank you that I know that you will take care of me and my children.  Forgive me for so often trying to take control of my life.  Forgive me for not resting in the knowledge that I can trust you.  Thank you Father that you are faithful and kind even in the face of my unfaithfulness.  I am in awe of you!  In Jesus’ name. Amen.