Recently someone asked me what God is doing in my life. What big things has God done? And I had to think…
Sometimes it feels like I’m in a perpetual state of weary and I can’t see beyond the next moment…and other times I’m so desperate for a change that I look ahead with either dread or longing…depending on the day.
But really, God is always working, so the problem is I’m not looking. I’m not paying attention to Him working in my life.
No wonder I feel overwhelmed and sometimes alone in the struggle.
Many nights I lay in bed pondering things. It inevitably leads to anxious thoughts. There are things I can’t figure out, decisions I’m afraid to make, and situations I can’t fix. I tumble them all around in my head and wonder if I’ve missed God’s plan. If I took a wrong turn…
But I believe that God is sovereign so is there really ever a turn made that God can’t use for good? Is there a turn I’ve made that He did not already see coming? Nope and nope. I am where He knew I would be all along. This struggle is no surprise to Him, even if it is shockingly surprising to me.
Many, many times God has reminded me of the value of being thankful. And I am thankful, so thankful for my children, my home, my job, my friends, my family, my life. For love.
It does seem that those very things I am most thankful for sometimes are also the very things that cause the most angst in my life. I wrestle with feelings of fear and failure. I struggle with loneliness even when I am so very not alone.
Sometimes it feels that I stand on a battlefield alone. Arms too tired to raise. Weapons dull and shield cracked. Armor missing. And I wonder why?
I am not alone. How often has God reminded me that He will never leave me nor forsake me? A lot.
In fact, this past week someone anonymously paid a bill I had…a big bill. I cannot begin to tell you how blessed, surprised, and thankful I was. I wish I could find that person and hug them tightly. It was as if God said, “See sweetheart, I am going to take care of you…even when you forget to ask.”
I forget to ask.
I forget to say thank you. I forget to drop the burdens at His feet. I’ll talk to Him and share my struggles and study His word and worship in song, but then I return to the day with the burden still solely on my shoulders.
Sometimes I so want a husband to walk up beside me and put his shoulder under the burden with me, grab my hand, and say, “Dearest, we will fix this together. You are not alone in this.”
It isn’t a ridiculous desire, but I believe that God wants me to truly understand that Jesus is the one who will bear my burdens.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble myself under the mighty hand of God? The hand of God could mean discipline or deliverance. In my suffering am I willing to place my trust, my life, my heart under the mighty hand of God? Am I willing to trust that He will do the best for me? Am I willing to let Him be in control? Am I willing to drop my burden and let him take care of me and mine? Can I let go of my control (imagined control) and my concerns and my cares and let Him have it all?
These past several years have been a continual struggle between trusting God and trying myself. Of thinking I should be able to handle this without so much anxiety, worry, fear, and sin. Of wondering why God hasn’t stepped in and made this all easier by now. And yet, God.
God who blesses in unexpected ways.
God who provides when I forget to ask.
God who makes ways where none seem to be.
God who loves me no matter what.
I have thought a lot about things to thank God for…in fact it is something I repeatedly have to remind myself to do. Today, I want to think about God. I want to know Him better. I want to understand the love of the Father. I want to learn from Jesus how to live gentle and lowly in heart. I want to be filled with the fruit of the Holy Spirit…no, I want to overflow with it.
I want to stop worrying and start living. I want to stop thinking about being thankful, and start living thankfully. I want to stop looking for answers and help from others, and start trusting in Him for the answers and the provisions and the courage. I want to stop living struggle, and live strength.
Father, You are enough. You are more than enough. And because of You, I can live a victorious life. No longer a victim of my circumstances, but rather a victor in my circumstances.
I don’t need someone to step in and rescue me. I just need to trust that Jesus already did!
If that isn’t an hallelujah I don’t know what is!
So, I guess even though my circumstances aren’t considerably better than three years ago, God is working in them to strength me and love on me.
God is always with me, always working, always blessing, always loving, always faithful.
I am blessed. I am loved.
I am His.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Sleeping has become a bit problematic for me lately. In fact I’d say that sleeplessness has become the defining feature of my nights, so much so that I almost dread putting my head down on my pillows…almost. I’m so dang tired that I gotta at least try to sleep.
Have you ever felt like the verse you just read, the devotional you just opened, or the thought someone just shared was…well…for lack of a better word…ugh?
What if this life is about more than surviving? Have you ever heard that saying about thriving instead of just surviving? I don’t know what I think about that quote right now.
Everyone has something.
