Today is my first sick day for me in a few years.
I’ve done sick days for children and sick days for parents, but not for me.
I slept a lot and sat a lot…well, actually I was more lying down a lot.
And all the stillness…it was glorious.
I haven’t been still for….for forever.
Even this past Saturday when this whole illness thing began, I couldn’t seem to sit still except for a few minutes to regain some strength before I began another task.
I knew I should rest…had I rested I probably wouldn’t be lying here right now. Who knows?
My room is a tad messy…actually my house is tad messy. And my nightstand is littered with tissues, tea cups, glasses of water, an ibuprofen bottle, cold medicine bottles, and the usual pens, journals, and piles of books.
That’s quite an impressive list considering it isn’t that big a nightstand!
Although it was supposed to be a rainy day, the sun is shining through the clouds and into my bedroom. I love it.
My classroom has no windows and I miss the sky so much during the day.
This is a beautiful treat.
I just wish I had some energy.
This is a weird sick for me. Usually I can push through and still accomplish things…not happily or quickly, but nonetheless I’m still checking things off the list.
This thing…ugh. This one has hit me like a truck…loaded with bricks…and maybe a few cinderblocks.
I guess it isn’t a shock. I’ve been going at warp speed for so long – fuel is bound to run out at some point.
I keep thinking tomorrow I’ll feel better. Tomorrow is the day when my head clears and my energy starts returning.
So what is God’s plan for me right now? This day?
I’m always wondering that.
God, what do you want me to do right here?
Other than sleep.
Which I am happy to do by the way.
But I have only a few more minutes before my little minions arrive and all the quiet is gone and the activity begins whether I want it to or not.
I guess…maybe this is the opportunity I’ve wanted… to just be still with my people.
As much as I plan on that, I don’t ever EVER make the time for it.
I’ll sit down for like 5 minutes but then I’m jumping back up again for something…goodness knows what!
Today, I got nothing to jump up for. In fact, I think I might just request a meal delivery and sit on the sofa with my littles.
Oh…I say that but it is going to be difficult.
Why is it so very difficult to rest? Why is it so difficult to be still?
I think I have an issue with control.
I want things to be orderly, organized, peaceful, and controlled…by me.
Those are the words that trip me up …. By me
I’m pretty sure those aren’t the words I’m supposed to be relying on.
I just want things to be beautiful for us…you know?
Why can’t I just get things beautiful…for more than a few minutes?
I’m reading a book about idols in our lives…ugh. I really like it, but ugh.
I mean I like that I feel like it is dealing with some serious stuff that I need to face…but ugh…the serious stuff is idols.
I hate idols.
One of mine is control. A sweet young lady was sharing with me about how God has revealed her idols of comfort and control and I thought, “This woman is awesome! I’m like 40-something 😊 and I’m still trying to figure out what makes me tick and tock and fall.”
I prayed fervently before my phone call with this dear one that I’d be an encouragement to her…and God turned it around and had her encourage me.
Not in the way that I imagined. It’s never awesome to have idols revealed…but actually maybe it is…
It is why I’m reading this book. To figure out what in the world I’m worshiping in my life other than God.
To figure out why I struggle with what I struggle with…you know?
And God in his infinite kindness has confirmed what he has been revealing slowly to me….I want comfort and I want control.
I want the comfort of others, the comfort of a peaceful, orderly space, and the comfort of knowing I have control of it all.
And unfortunately I can be a mean, grumpy sinner in the process of pursing those idols.
I can also occasionally despair of ever overcoming.
One of my dearest friends wants to discuss the difference between victory and obedience.
I do understand that I’m called to a life of obedience, but I really do want victory…just saying.
I’m tired of the struggles. I want to move on already.
Then there is a little part of me that wonders if the next thing I struggle with will be worse and I get all freaked out…I’m a mess.
Do I believe God is good or not? I keep having to ask myself that when I get those crazy thoughts.
I do believe He is good. And I do believe that He calls me to obedience.
He also calls me to repentance and rest.
I love this verse.
In returning and rest you shall be saved,
in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.
Returning…have I gone away and need to come back? Yes. Daily.
Daily I turn to my own thing, my own issues, my own solutions, and my own stress.
I’m the little girl who packed up her bags and stomped out the door ready to run away from papa and find a better life, only to see the darkness coming and the shadows lengthening. I’m that same little girl hightailing it home to the welcoming arms of my loving father.
I’ve been the parent in that scenario…I’ve watched one of my sweet little babies pack a backpack and head out into the night – only to make it to the bottom of the driveway before running back home. And how I longed for that embrace even though it was such a short trip down the driveway.
God longs for us to return to his embrace and rest there. Rest in the arms of our Father. It is quiet there. We can trust His care.
Oh how I need that visual right now. What a blessed reminder to me of the safety of His care.
Especially as I lie here feeling very weak, tired, and sick.
In each day, God has a plan. It might be a plan for great productivity. It might be a plan for rest. It might be a plan just to be where He has me without complaint or concern or control.
My prayer is that wherever God has me, I’m resting in the knowledge that He loves me.
He loves me.
Sometimes that just hits me. I say it a lot, but sometimes….sometimes it rocks my world.
It just did as I typed that.
He loves ME.
Me…with all my flaws, failures, faithlessness, frustrations, and fears.
Me…with all my control, complaints, crisis, and cares.
No matter what…no matter where I am…no matter what I’m doing or not doing…no matter how I feel…no matter what I accomplish or don’t accomplish…no matter my successes or my failures…no matter how I love him back.
He loves me.
Thank you God…I needed that.
I need that.
I need to understand that deeper than I have in a long while.
“How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measure
that He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure.”