flowers and sky

No Pretty Little Bow

I’ve been trying to figure out a good way to start this post. I just can’t think of one. So I guess I’ll just share stuff with you and hope that God uses my fuzzy thinking to bless! He’s good that way.
Yesterday my Dad went to be with the Lord.  I was blessed to spend his last hours with him and my Mom.  It was more difficult than I can adequately express in mere words.  I wanted nothing more than to comfort my father as he struggled and yet I was terrified to watch him die.  I wanted to be there for my Mom, but I didn’t really know what to do.  I felt lost in wanting to be both caregiver and cared for.  But in the midst of it all, God was so clearly there.  I felt His presence…His assurance in my confusion and fear.  I felt His peace even as I struggled to maintain composure…which I did not do well at all in the end. 

Today I opened up my email to see that a post I had written for MomLifeToday was up.  I’ve attached it because this one probably isn’t gonna be so great and maybe that one will bless more 🙂  I often have to reread what I write because I can’t remember it well…honestly, I can’t remember much well at this point…my family has been laughing at me for the past couple of days because I’m such a goof.  Anyway, I digress.  I reread what I had written in my post “No Pretty Little Bow” and God so sweetly reminded me through my own words that He can be trusted. 

See there are a lot of things I wish I could have done differently this past week.  There are a lot of things I don’t understand.  And sometimes I can be a self-beater-upper.  But if I truly believe that I can trust God with everything, why do I have to play Monday morning quarterback with everything?  I can second-guess with the best of them…my friend says I need to stop “shoulding” all over myself…ain’t that the truth. 

Today I’m reminding myself that God can be trusted.  God does love me.  There is nothing more I can do because He has done it all.  I need only rest in the knowledge that my life is in His hands…my father’s life was in His hands…my children’s lives are in His hands. 

He will guide my footsteps.  Sometimes we will go places I’d rather not, but if I keep my focus on Him it’ll all turn out just fine in the end.  It has to…that’s His plan and His plan is always perfect.

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Is Life Ever Gonna Be Normal?

cool cloud“Everything is going on around me as if nothing is happening…as if my world is not crashing…exploding…imploding…”

I remember thinking those words when my marriage began its shattering.

Nobody knew. And life continued.

I recall standing up before a class of 5th and 6th graders teaching them grammar and thinking, “How do I do this? How do I pretend that this is just a normal day? That I don’t just want to crawl into a corner and weep?”

It’s such a surreal thing…trying to be normal when everything isn’t.

I’m feeling that way again as I watch my father’s health decline dramatically.

The other day I sat next to him propping him up with my shoulder, holding his hand, and leaning in to hear his soft, mumbled words. I was struck again by life’s challenges.

I’d spent the day with my children playing at the park – running, laughing, and sweating. Now I was sitting still, crying a bit, and well…sweating  …my Dad’s room is pretty stuffy.

It’s weird to walk through all these emotions. I remember that walk when my husband left. I remember trying to make life normal and fun with my children. I’d laugh with them during the day and cry when I was alone at night. It was a truly terrible walk for a season, but I haven’t walked there in a while…until now.

Anyone who has suffered a loss or tragedy or challenge of any kind can understand…life goes on.
We still need to set alarms, pack lunches, get kids to school, do school with children, go to work, make dinner, drive to soccer games, smile at people, listen to other’s share their stories, and just plain live life.

I’m finding it difficult to figure out how to be normal anymore…I mean not that I’ve ever been completely normal (LOL!)…but how do I find normal when things keep getting wonky on me?

My prayer partner and I pray each year that this will be the year without trauma or drama….so far we are 0-6. Not a great record. BUT I will say that God continues to work in me and around me despite the decidedly difficult times.
He continues to show me He is faithful before, during, and after the troubling times.

Somehow or another, even when I can’t necessarily see it or really understand it, He makes it all bearable. At the end of the day, I realize I’ve survived. And so have all my children.

And it isn’t just survival…I’ve learned so much about myself and about Him through each heartbreak and sorrow.
God loves me and my children (and you and yours) so very much.

Lately God has been showing me how very very much He loves me and my children…and you and yours. There is no limit to His love…the amount doesn’t diminish on a bad day or even increase on a good day. He loves us perfectly and completely because He is love.

I read a quote years ago by A.W. Tozer from his book Knowledge of the Holy

“Love, for instance, is not something God has and which may grow or diminish or cease to be. His love is the way God is, and when He loves He is simply being Himself.”

I’m so blessed by that…so thankful that God loves me regardless of me or my circumstances or my fears or my challenges or my difficulties or my emotions or my failures…God loves me because He made me to love.

There is hope for me in that…there is hope that even when everything seems completely out of sorts and daily life must continue on, I can trust that God has it because He loves me. I can trust that I am secure in His unfailing love.

Even when life shatters, God’s love keeps me together.