I really want to share the following blog with you all not because it is so well-written or anything, but because I believe that it’s where so many of us, particularly single parents, find ourselves sometimes. It isn’t pretty at first, but God, as usual, used my time typing on these keys to get my head properly in the “game.” I was having a big old pity-party and God showed me how to praise my way through it. If you are a friend or family member, fear not! I’m just sharing my fussy little heart and hopefully touching someone else’s fussy little heart too! I’m in awe of God and His faithfulness to stick with me and even light my way out of the darkness. He is good! He will do the same for you!
So here goes.
I’m falling apart…again.
Tonight has been a down on my knees, weep and beg God for help kinda night.
Sometimes the sheer weight of this life is too much. The pain is raw all over again. The hopelessness washes over me and I think there is no way I’ll survive. And there’s a good chance one or more of my children aren’t going to survive either at the rate I’m going.
There are too many issues. I’ve said it again and again. I feel like a broken record. I list them all in my head and I can barely breathe… and part of me becomes exceedingly frustrated with God. I don’t understand why nothing can be easy. I just don’t. No straight forward anything…just shadows, gut-feelings, questions, concerns, angst and some pretty obvious prayer requests.
I can’t seem to stop my own issues from resurfacing. My issues make me a lousy parent…an impatient, frustrated, teeth-clenching parent. And when I parent like that, I get impatient, frustrated, teeth-clenching children. Not surprising.
I want a “not-complicated” existence, or maybe just one complication or maybe even just one complication at a time. I want to be able to take a breath – one good long deep breath.
Tonight I ranted a lot in my prayer. I told God exactly what I thought about the situation I had found myself in as well as the life I find myself living. I told Him in no uncertain terms that I am not happy…in fact, I used the word “hate” a few times. Not that I hate Him, because nothing could be farther from the truth. I sometimes feel like I just hate so much of my life circumstances.
This single momma thing is HARD! It’s exhausting…I need to make up a word that conveys the magnitude of the mental, physical, emotional, and even spiritual exhaustion. I can’t think of one.
I realize that I’m focusing on the negative an awful lot. My focus is all off. I know I’m so overwhelmed because I’ve lost sight of Jesus.
I’ve been focusing on the behavior of my children, my fears for them, learning issues, school issues, anger issues, work issues, relationship issues, church issues, financial issues, and health issues. I’m burdened by issues. I don’t want to be weary and burdened.
Those words bring a verse to mind.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30)
Oh please give me rest for my soul!
If I could remember to focus on what He’s done rather than what I do or don’t do.
If I could remember that He’s the perfect parent in answer to my very imperfect parenting.
If I could rest in the understanding that He will never leave me nor forsake me – and that that promise is absolutely for my children as well.
If I could really get that God is for me,
that my life’s battles are the Lord’s,
that He will not call me to something He will not equip me to do,
that His grace is sufficient.
If I could understand that it truly is all about Jesus, I believe I would have that rest for my soul.
It’s mine for the taking…my arms are just so full of my own stuff that I don’t have the strength or space to take on anymore.
I believe that is why God calls us to take His yoke because when I take His, I gotta put mine down.
And, I’m thinking He’s gonna carry it all anyway…in fact, in the biggest way imaginable, He already did. He carried it all the way to the cross.
It’s not me being better at anything – thank goodness! It isn’t my children being better at anything – again, thank goodness! It’s about God being best at everything – about God being my focus, my strength, my Savior. He saves me every day. Over and over again, I’m reminded that I need a Savior and over and over again I’m grateful for His sacrificial, unconditional, everlasting love for me.
I feel better just thinking about Him. I’ve spent the majority of my time these last several days thinking about my issues rather than my Savior. And although I’m thankful it brought me to my knees, I’d prefer to be on my knees praising rather than ranting.
So here is some praising!!
Father God, I’m so very thankful for my sweet children. Thank you for the joy I find in being a mom – even a stressed out, overwhelmed, exhausted single mom. Thank you for my life – for hope for the future, for joy in small moments, for peace that truly does surpass all understanding. Thank you for loving me even when I’m clenching my jaw and slamming doors. Father, please forgive me for losing sight of you. Lord, please set my feet upon a rock, make my steps secure, and put a new song in my mouth – a song of praise to you Lord! (Psalm 40:2-3) I pray that my life will bless others, my hope will encourage, and my mouth will praise! In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.